The days are definitely not getting easier. Bill fell this morning trying to get out of bed, which he obviously should not be doing. He has something called "terminal agitation" that gives him outbursts, twitches, and the desire to run. It was an emotional day after the fall, and I am so thankful he was not hurt. He is never left alone, and hasn't been for some time, but if you turn your back for a second he is unconsciously headed for the door.
We had a few visitors from hospice today, one being the nurse aide who graciously comes and cleans the patient and makes sure all supplies are stocked. Right at the end of his cleaning, Bill vomited... a lot. He hasn't eaten anything since Monday, and he had a lot of (TMI warning) dark green/black junk that came up. We got the nausea under control and he seems to be settled for now.
Even with the drama, we had a very nice, quiet day. I spent some necessary one-on-one time with him and truly feel at peace. I have told him everything I need and have reassured him that Tyler and I will be OK (someday). That is not to say that I am not devastated and heart-broken, but I need him to be peaceful, and he is far from it at this point. He so greatly deserves to be relieved from this horrible pain. Having cancer is bad enough... I will NEVER understand the suffering he has endured. It just seems so inhumane for one person to absorb all of this agony - mentally and physically.
I still can't believe this is actually happening...
That's How You Know
1 week ago
13 comments:
Praying really hard...
Dearest Jackie,
There is only one who truly understands, God. There has got to be a bigger reason for all the pain and suffering being endured by everyone. You, we, may not understand now, but we will someday. I am glad you had the one-on-one time with Bill today. You have an amazing way to comfort and I am sure Bill felt the reassurance you imparted. Maybe he was waiting for this day with you. As you probably know, one's hearing remains acute until the end. Keep talking and reassuring...it will help you both. Sending you a big, big, hug....Nancy
Dear Precious Child of God, Jackie,
I can't imagine the physical, mental or emotional pain you are and have been going through... I can't imagine what Bill thinks of and feels for you and Tyler in his moments of clarity... I can't imagine what goes through Tylers young mind and gentle heart when considers all this... and to be quite honest, when I even begin to imagine, I am overwhelmed.
The only offer I have is that you, Bill and Tyler and your entire support group have my unwavering devotion to intercessory prayer on your behalf.
Thank you for sharing your experience and your heart with us in this blog. I am brought to my knees in prayer...
May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you... and be gracious unto you.
Julie (Swanson) Sanders
I grew up with Billy back in Hacienda Heights. Although I haven't seen or talked to Billy in over 25 years, it doesn't lessen the the way I feel for him and his loved ones. I have asked everyone within my voice to pray for him and the family. I am hoping that the power of prayer can create a miracle and turn things around. As bad as things may look, know that all of his loved one, myself included, will never give up hope.
Jackie, please let Billy know that I am praying for him and that I am not giving up on him.
God Bless you and your family....Richard T.
Jackie - Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you, Bill & Tyler. I wish there were words to express how blessed we are by you. You are a amazing wife to Bill and a caring mother to Tyler and a friend to us all by sharing this honest and loving blog - God Bless
lisa rodriguez rosile '85
Send prayers for peace and joy.
sending love your way....
I had the pleasure of working with Bill for many years at Claim Jumper. We became good friends and shared many great memories. He always made me laugh and smile. Although we lost touch over the last few years Bill has never been far from my thoughts. I was saddened and shocked to hear of his diagnosis.
Jackie-Although I have never met you, I have heard many great things about you. I am so happy that Bill found such a wonderful person and had the opportunity to have a family. I commend you and Tyler for your strength and courage. And I know there are no words that can ease your pain or make any of this easier, but I hope with time and the support of your friends and family you will be able to find peace. Please give Bill my love and hugs for me. You are all in my thoughts and prayers!
XoXo-
Sasha
Oh Jackie, I so wish that we could be there for you, Tyler, and Bill in person...but please know that we are there in our thoughts every minute of every day. We are continuing to pray for all of your peace. This has made us cry several times to just think about you all going through this. We are so happy that you are getting one on one time with Bill...so important for you both. Love, kisses and hugs to you all!
Julie and Lenny
You are in my thoughts and prayers, continuously!!!
Jackie you amaze me...all you are going through and you still give a (TMI warning). Thank-you for keeping us updated. HUGS!!!
Dear Jackie - This will be long so read it when you're ready. Gordon B. Hinckley wrote the text to a song called, "What Is This Thing Than Men Call Death." The words are:
"What is this thing that men call death, this quiet passing in the night? 'Tis not the end, but genesis of better worlds and greater light.
O God, touch Thou my aching heart, and calm m troubled, haunting fears. Let hope and faith, transcendent, pure, give strength and peace beyond my tears.
There is no death, but only change, with recompense for victory won. The gift of Him who loved all men, the Son of God, the Holy One."
Jackie, I know with all of my heart and soul that God lives, and Jesus Christ is our Savior. I know that Jesus died for all men so we could return to live with him again. I know that families are meant to be together forever - not just on earth, but eternally. I know that the comforter is ever near to hold us up and give us strength beyond our own, to endure to the end. The Kerr family has been blessed by your valiant, precious Bill. We love him. We love you and Tyler. It hasn't been our blessing to know you - perhaps in time. Our prayers for your comfort and strength, and courage to carry on are ever with you and Tyler. With sincere love ~ Gene and Susie
my heart is breaking for you...and, once again, i am left with only one word- fuck -i am and will always be here for you
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