We had a rough night with Bill still trying to bolt out of bed. He is hallucinating constantly so there is not any solid communication with him at this point. My favorite was when he jumped up and said he spilled his glass of wine (no, he's not really drinking wine, or anything for that matter) and then when I ran to him he told me he wanted to dance. He was his ornery self mixed with some crazy drugs.
We had another four hour period today that we thought was the end, so we sat around him and poured our hearts out. At one point he had 18 seconds between breaths. Then he *somewhat* opened his eyes and went back into the hallucinating. He is mumbling and grunting, but not at all coherent. I have heard of peaks and valleys, but this is really a crazy ride! Definitely an E ticket roller coaster! (OK, I don't remember E tickets, but know what they are.)
I am tired... bone tired. We have a nurse here by his bed until midnight tonight. They are working on getting one from midnight until 8:00. Then we should have another one starting at 8:00 tomorrow morning. I am counting some solid sleep helping me to get through tomorrow!!
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9 comments:
prayers from NE Ohio. My dad worked with Joe years ago. Joe has been a real gift to my mom after my dad died of cancer almost 11 years ago. It is a hard journey. May you deeply sense God's presence in the midst of this.
Bless you, Jackie. My husband and I are both praying for you - for Bill's peace and comfort, for your strength and for God's comfort at this time.
Jeanie Cash
Hang in there, Jackie and Tyler.
You guys have done and are doing an outstanding job!
When this is all over, Bill will be running through fields of flowers with a big smile on his face and a sense of release.
And you will know that you have given Bill the best present anyone can ever get - one's dignity and the unwavering support from a loved one during the time leading up to one's passing (over).
All my love from Colorado,
Bob
Jackie, we will all get through this together!
I will keep you and Bill in my prayers.
Stay Strong!
I think it's kind of neat that he wanted to dance with you - hallucinating? Maybe just a sweet moment for the two of you.
Jackie,
I think we should post this blog on tanning salon windows across the nation. Melanoma is THE most awful cancer I can think of. After reading your posts, I cant help but be grateful that my husband's time of hallucinating and suffering was very very brief. Never did we have 18 seconds of no breathing!
For what it is worth, death is not a dirt nap at your local cemetery. I know that once Bill is able to cross over, he will be greeted by those who have also passed on and they will take care of him for us.
I am here for you 100% as a melanoma widow. What you are seeing right now and witnessing is the toughed part of losing a spouse because you question how much dignity they have in this whole process. But you, your family and the medical staff are doing a great job.
Thanks for taking such good care of Bill and seeing some humor in these last days. You know he'd appreciate the pizza coupon, dancing, spilling wine stories!
We are ALL thinking of you constantly!
Anna Hogan
Dearest Jackie,
I am SO glad you are finally getting some help so you and the entire family can get some sleep. No one can think straight going so long without rest. I know how one's personal health can suffer when you are taking care of another so ill.
I echo Bob's sentiments...you HAVE given Bill truly the best gift....his dignity and your steadfast love..."in sickness and in health till death do us part." I don't know if those exact words were in your vows, but I know your commitment to your marriage and you are truly honoring it. Not all would.
We are praying to God for Bill's release from pain. God will answer those prayers in His own time, as He always does.
Love,
Nancy
Jackie -- Well I know what an E-ticket is -- and boy did I always look forward to those - -there just wasn't ever enough of them in the pack. I am sure that in this case -- these rides will be some of the darkest yet your strength, your unconditional love and a great big God will definitely get you through. There is one song that has been coming to mind -- that I so picture as Bill and you move through this transition...
It's by Chris Tomlin..I Will Rise
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say it is well
And I will rise when he calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise
There's a day thats drawing near
When the darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory has won...
I am praying for an abundance of comfort, a sense of extreme peace and much needed rest to prepare you for whats ahead...
I agree with Anna..."Indoor tanners" are incredibly mis-informed...For what it's worth I've got 3 people to quit tanning through your blog (myself included). Thank-you for sharing...I know you hear it all the time, and you should YOU'RE AMAZING JACKIE!!!
-Alison
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