How are YOU doing?
Honestly? Remarkably well. I am a little surprised at the amount of relief I feel. I am relieved that Bill is no longer suffering... relieved to live each day that is not surrounded by cancer... relieved to give Tyler some normalcy back into his little life (mine too). I know I did everything in my power as Bill's caregiver. I loved him, cared for him, cried with him, and held him through the entire battle. I have no regrets. I would not change anything if I had to do it all over again.
Mourning is an interesting thing. It sneaks up on you, and then disappears when you think it should be present in full force. There is no rhyme or reason regarding grief. Bill and I spent the last 10 months grieving. We grieved together every step of the way. He would tell me when he could feel changes and would let me know that he thought his time was limited. Although it was excruciatingly painful, I am so thankful that we could talk openly and honestly about our thoughts and wishes. I truly think those heartfelt conversations have created an inner peace inside me that words just can't describe.
**Disclaimer: I may feel differently tomorrow, and I am reserving the right to change my mind.**
I got to work for 4 hours today... I use the word "got" (not had) because that is how I feel. I am part of an amazing district committee that teaches teachers "life-changing" technology. (OK, a little dramatic, but it's true. There is SO much more to it, but that is the idea in a nutshell.) I am privileged to be a member of this elite team. It was really nice to spend 4 hours thinking about something else, and I realized that my brain did not actually turn to mush during this ordeal. The past 10 months, going to work has been my saving grace. The past few weeks were so intense that I longed for some time in my element. Getting back on the proverbial horse was exactly what I needed.
I want to write about Bill's last moments on this Earth, so I feel like I should give some sort of warning before I jump into recounting his last breaths. It will be in the next day or two, so you may want to skip that post if you are bothered by the topic. I actually want to write about it while it is still fresh (raw) in my mind, so Tyler can someday have a detailed explanation of his Dad's passing. Rest assured, I will not post the pictures. (Yes, there are pictures.)
Oliver in Brazil: April 2024
1 week ago
7 comments:
Aloha Jackie & Tyler -
Thank you for continuing to share with us your journey as you go forward. You are in my thoughts and prayers - God Bless
:)lisa rodriguez rosile ('85)
Jackie,
Thanks for sharing with us how YOU are doing. After losing my husband as you did with Bill, I went through a process that I like to call the "grief spiral" where you just constantly revisit all different kinds of emotions..over and over and OVER again. Its a wild ride.
I am glad after such a drawn-out hospice experience for you that Bill's passing was peaceful for you. I sense it was peaceful for him as well.
I look forward to spending time with you and I hope that I was able to give Bill (some) comfort when I came over to talk to you guys about death. I hope he was able to see that us fellow melanoma widows are here to support you and someday you may support one that you meet.
Have a great week
xoxo
Anna Hogan
Jackie:
I am so inspired by your strength. Tyler is an extremely lucky boy to have such a dedicated and loving mother. To be forward thinking enough to know that he will be curious about his dad and whether he wants to know the details or not - you're going to have it all for him. Bravo!
Its funny how grief works. After loosing my father in January I thought I would be a basket case but after a long drawn out illness, it was a relief for my family as well. My grief actually is only intensified when I hear of grief from others.
Thank you so much for sharing YOURSELF with all of us. Its truly a blessing to have the priviledge to read your blog.
God Bless,
Chris Bergman (85)
xoxoxoxo...aud,frank and ethan
Dear Jackie,
My family and I so respect you. Your constant concern and love for Bill, especially during his darkest hours is a testament to your dedication and love. We also want to commend all of Bill's dedicated family members and friends who were there to help. Your comment to staying on the horse is so perfect. You have stayed on that bucking horse all the way!! Although I did not personally know Bill, what I have learned tends me to think he is still on that bucking horse having a great time in heaven My families hearts and prayers are with you all. Debbie M.
in this life with us is essential. Beginning new traditions and/or continuing existing traditions with our great family's love and support is so important.. Just take each day one day at a time. The most important thing is to always remember Bill (as I know you will) and cherish his legacy in all of your lives.
My family's thoughts and prayers are with you.
Debbie M.
You are so kick ass! So happy for you! And, if you feel like crap the next day and great the next day, so be it!! I support every feeling...you deserve to feel however you feel- no rules!!!
Mrs. Bartak i'm not sure if you remember me but this is Evan and i was sooooooo distraught when i heard of your loss....im praying for you always and so are lots of the students from my/our class....we all feel for you and for tyler....I was very glad to hear that you have no regrets and that you are feeling relieved....i wish i could help you more or just do anything to give you and Tyler a helping hand...my e-mail is "wrayyven@gmail.com" if you can think of ANYTHING you want me or any of the other kids could do for you please please please ask....but at least there is the comfort that he isn't gone forever....you'll see him and all your other lost loved ones one day...i still wish there was more i could do....
Always praying,
Evan "Sting" Wray
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