The latest and greatest...
Tyler is playing basketball and finally loves it. It took a few weeks for him to warm up to the idea, but he now has the hang of it and is ready to pose for the camera every time he scores. Watching a group of kids, ages four and five, run up and down the court is just about the cutest thing I have ever seen. This last week I turned into "that mom." Truthfully, my friend and I turned into, "those mom's" since I was not alone. We were ready to take down a few five year olds who were bullying our kids on the court. So yes, I am THAT mom, and yes, I am saving money for my child's therapy.
Tyler really does love playing and the #6 shirt doesn't hurt either. Now he is claiming that he wants to be a basketball player AND a drummer when he grows up.... AND wants to do both at the same time. I had to break the news to him that drumming and playing basketball simultaneously has clown-like tendencies, and I'll be able to use his college fund to off-set the therapy costs. ;)
I am loving my new school and am very happy I made the change. I miss my old clan at Golden, but the new start has been refreshing. I found out last week that I will be able to go part-time next year. I have a partner (at my school) and we turned in our proposal and received approval for next year. I'll be teaching 60% and she will be teaching 40%. I am thrilled to have this opportunity, and excited to start a new adventure.
I am once again having some serious trouble with my shoulder. I'm going to leave it at that, since the recent wound is a little too fresh to recap. It hurts. Constantly. For me to admit that I'm in pain is pretty major, and I would venture to say that if the doctor says the "surgery" word I might actually listen this time. At this point I'll do just about anything to have it not dislocate. It's THAT bad.
222 pages!
My brother graciously arranged to have the blog printed and bound into a book. I included a dedication in the beginning, added pictures, and wrote a note to Tyler at the end. The book is his... for him to read when he wants to feel closer to his dad. It breaks my heart that someday he will need the book to help trigger his memories.
I have a hard time reading the past entries. In fact, I make it a habit to NOT read it for a few reasons, 1) it's not edited well, and I cringe to see mistakes and poor word choices, 2) I am thankful for the ten and a half months we had together, however, I don't want to relive the "sick" months. I fear my memory will focus on the unhealthy past, instead of the healthy.
So, the Blog Book is on its way... ALL 222 pages of it. The entries stop somewhere in mid-July, but I plan to print the others that are pertinent and include them with the book. Although I don't want to sit and read it, I am excited to see it. Thank you, Todd, it is a gift that Tyler and I will always cherish.
And...
Sorry it was SO expensive... I'm sure that's not what you had in mind. ;)
I began this side of the journey counting days "after." I thought that would never go away, but it did. Then I began counting weeks and was convinced that I would do that forever, but I didn't. Now I often have to think of the date before I can calculate how many months. Getting to this point is definitely bittersweet. We are managing to live quite happily in our new normal.
I have numerous people who help to keep us afloat. I think everyone has days feeling they could sink like a stone. Some days are definitely easier to maintain buoyancy than others. I am grateful for the weightless feeling, because prior to cancer I don't think I appreciated it with my entire being, like I do now. I suppose I am thankful for cancer showing me how vital it is to rest on top of the surface instead of thrashing and treading under it. Life is far too short to spend it trying to find the surface while gasping for breath.
When a crisis hits there are usually two ways people seek help in handling things. Either they shut down and keep things secretive, OR reach out to others and let people in. We chose the latter, mainly because secrets turn into rumors, and I thought we needed all the prayers we could get. I actually enjoyed living in a fish bowl the past the year and a half, and felt comfort in people knowing what was happening without me having to actually say the words. (I desperately needed the fish habitat.) The love and support was incredible and if I had to do it all again, God forbid, I would not change the path we chose.
Although I still update here every so often, it feels a little odd to still live in the same (proverbial) fish bowl. I'm not sure how to fix this, and I am not sure I even need to fix it. I suppose it's simply that I would like to draw the blinds once and awhile and live incognito among the "normal." I definitely don't want to be defined by a tragedy, and hopefully won't live forever being "the one whose husband died". Who knows... maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow, and I'd like to reserve that right.
We got through Christmas and Bill's birthday with little, to no, scars. We also took a trip up to the central coast to see family from both of our sides. It was a great time, and Tyler LOVED playing with his cousins. It's now New Year's Eve and as 2010 approaches I can't help but admit that I am happy to bid farewell to 2009. It was rough year, for many, and I desperately need a fresh start.
I got a few different e-mails over the past few days asking/reminding me that last last year I did a list of idiosyncrasies in lieu of a New Year's resolution. Really, it was a list of weird things that I have/do/think. I started thinking about it, and how hard could it be to come with another list? Goodness knows I have plenty of material. ALL things on last year's list still hold true... very true.
To see last years, click here.
I need to add the same disclaimer that I am NOT committed enough to do anything about them.
I can (still) eat cereal for every meal... Supposebly is NOT a word... I hate working out... I have a group of online girlfriends that I absolutely LOVE... I easily sleep with the TV on... I love new car smell... I am a horrible dieter... I am now a self-diagnosed hypochondriac... I don't understand why they even make Oreos that are not double-stuffed... I am addicted to House Hunters... You could put Ranch dressing on dirt and I'd probably eat it... I can draw an awesome elephant, but my skills end there... I am not a Rachael Ray fan... I hate it when people say "expresso" when there is NO X in espresso... I have a serious magazine habit... It is not Valentime's Day... I couldn't live without my iPhone... I hate Chutes and Ladders... Malls make me happy... I want to go back to law school, but don't think I want to be a lawyer... I am an over-analyzer... I had doubts that I would survive 2009... I DID survive 2009...
I have so many things for which to be thankful this year. In the midst of holiday bustle, things can often get blurry and lost. Although we have many blessings, it would be an understatement to say this was a tough year. I'd also be lying to say I wasn't ready to begin a new one.
I would like to say a thank you to our friends and family...
I cannot begin to tell you how indebted I still am for all of your heartfelt warm wishes, e-mails, phone calls, messages, cards... the list goes on and on. I appreciate the fact that during the holidays many of you have extended invitations and kept us busy and a part of the Christmas bustle... especially since it would have been easy for me to hibernate this year. Thank you to those who have chosen to walk this path with me without an ounce of hesitation. I don't know what I would do without close friends who keep track of me and make sure I am a member of the real world (and not curled up in the fetal position). Your incredible kindness never goes unnoticed, and I will truly be forever grateful.
Once a widow, always a widow?? Is it like being an alcoholic? Once you are identified as one, the label sticks whether you are actively drinking or not. Or maybe a better example would be the president. Once you lead this country you are always addressed as "Mr. President" or "President So-and-So", for example. So if a widow ever remarries, is that person still considered a widow? I'm not sure of the answer to this, but I can't imagine that a permanent hole so deep could ever be fully mended. That's not to say that I don't believe a widow could remarry and fully love her new husband, but I can't imagine that person would ever actually stop loving the first, or original spouse. How does a remarried widow refer to her first husband? You can't say "ex-husband" because that is clearly not the case, but you don't necessarily want to start numbering husbands either. Oh to be a fly on the wall in my little head...
Maybe it's similar to having more than one child... you love the first one with your entire heart and soul, then the second, third, fourth, one comes along and the love (I am told) remains as strong. (At least that's what my mom always told my older brother and me.) There should be enough love to go around, I suppose, but these questions flood my mind and when I checked the widow rulebook, I couldn't find the answers.
I'm going to have faith in the fact that these questions will someday be answered, I don't need any answers right now, and the answers may be different for everyone who has lost a spouse. Widowhood is definitely not one size fits all...
