Gift Wrap

Although I don't usually comment on comments... I have to say that the person (Anonymous) who stated that I left out color-coordinated gift wrap was spot on!! I kicked myself for omitting that very important detail since it is something for which I am extremely grateful. I don't know who the poster was, but it was clearly someone who knows me VERY well.

My favorite part of Christmas is the gift wrap. I start shopping in October (when it starts showing up in online stores) and pour over patterns and ribbons and paper. In my dream world, I would have a gift wrap room with rolls of paper and ribbons affixed to special built-in wall units... Large tables would make wrapping even the bulkiest gift a cinch... Tape dispensers would be stationary and scissors would be sharp enough to glide through the paper effortlessly... I have the room designed perfectly in my head.

I always investigate the thickness to determine adequate quality, which can make this obsession get a little pricey. It is a rule that the patterns are not just matching, but actually come from the same company with intentions of balance and coordinating designs. I have had this year's wrapping paper for weeks and weeks. Sound insanely crazy?? Welcome to my world!

I would love to have a business and just work in December wrapping gifts. I know I could go to Macy's and pick up a part-time gig, but that's not remotely close to feeding my obsession. I like to shop and wrap early so I can enjoy the paper under the tree for more than a few days. I could go on and on (even more) about my love for Christmas and slightly major obsession for gift wrap, but I will stop here and maintain the minuscule piece of sanity I claim to have left.

I am thankful for so many things that I honestly don't know where to begin.

I am thankful for...

Tyler... our incredible family... great friends... Starbucks... health... purses... my home... new car smell... Tyler... good jeans... Bill's legacy... diet coke... photos... my class... Tyler... time... red wine... tennis shoes... Christmas decorations... homemade cookies... love... Tyler... dental floss on a stick... opportunities... a warm bed... Target... challenges... my career... Tyler... ultra fine Sharpies... support... a super soft sweatshirt... motivation... pre-sliced apples in small bags... TiVO... enthusiasm... and Tyler.

I am so very grateful for the many blessings in my life. Thank you all for still checking on us!

The NOT SO BAD List

We had a very busy weekend, so I am definitely ready for a 4-day Thanksgiving break. We went from a birthday party to visiting friends and family, and I even bought a new car somewhere in the mix. It was an exciting weekend.

I'd like to think I have always been a "half full" sort person. There has to be some sort of good in every situation... even at rock bottom. Today at my sister-in-law's house I tried to come up with things are not terrible because of this situation. I promised myself I wouldn't focus on anything negative, so I want to preface my list with the fact if i could change any of this, I would... but I obviously can't, so I might as well try to find some good along the way. If something made my "list" then it is safe to say that Bill thought the opposite.

* Decisions are easier when making them alone. I don't have to consult anyone (or hear another person's advice/complaint) on how to discipline, how to do laundry, or where to hang a new picture.

* I don't have to keep a new pair of shoes in my trunk and wait to sneak them in. Although, I still kind of do this, so I guess I am just keeping my skills polished.

* I actually like having the bed to myself (when Tyler is not trying to climb in). I know this seems odd, but it's the truth.

* I don't have to worry about someone else using the ATM card and not telling me about the withdraw... then worry that there will be enough to cover everything and do the mad dash to get online and transfer money.

* I now understand the true meaning of "stress"... I was mistaken when I said that finishing report cards was stressful. Not... even... close...

* I am allowed to put steak knives in the dishwasher.

* I can watch "Friends" reruns every night and fall asleep with the TV on.

* I can wash my whites separately and avoid the muted gray color on everything.

I am reserving the right to add to this list as needed. I can only hope that I will come up with a few more entries.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Another Week

It has been a crazy week in our household, although that seems to be the norm these days. I gave two trainings at the district office which enables me to see different teachers from a variety of schools. I ran into a teacher I met in my early years at Golden. We happened to pull up and get out of our cars at the same time, so we walked in together. I would guess our walk was all of about 2 minutes. I cannot explain how refreshing it was to have someone come right out and say, "I'm so sorry to hear about your husband... How are you?" She didn't feel the need to do the "head-tilt"* and didn't dance around the elephant in the room. She simply came out and asked... I didn't realize how much I would appreciate such a small gesture, but it was refreshing!

* see previous posts for definition of "head-tilt".

We found out this week that an aide with whom we work lost her husband in August to a massive heart attack. She is just now admitting this to people, which tells me she is just now seeing the fog lift enough to say the words that he is gone. She has 4 kids, a part-time job, and her husband had barely enough life insurance to cover his funeral and pay his debt. My heart aches for her and her children. If I ever needed a sign that I was meant to change schools, this is it. Things work out in mysterious ways, and I hope I can be some sort of help in her unfortunate situation.

I feel validated that Tyler and I are healthy in our healing and can openly talk about "our Dad". The fact that he feels free to ask questions, draw pictures, and look at photos is so precious in the healing process. I can only hope that someday my fellow staff member can say the same.

Acceptance

There are many levels of grief. I could almost hold a checklist and write the date that certain feelings were experienced. The anger, the guilt, the depression, the denial... they all have spent time with me. The last feeling I have has lingered for awhile now...

The acceptance.

Accepting that he is gone... accepting that he is not coming back... accepting that I am single... accepting that I am a different person... accepting that motherhood can (and will) be done alone. I have accepted our new life and all that is tangled in it. Sometimes I wonder if I am ready to fully accept things, but in reality, I do not have a choice IF I am going to or not; I must continue to live my life.

Does acceptance mean I have forgotten, or it doesn't hurt? Far from it. Those two factors do not replace each other. That is the "funny" thing about grief. There are no rules or map to follow, you must navigate it yourself and personally come to terms with acceptance. To quote Merriam-Webster, acceptance is,

to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable; to recognize as true: believe

I don't feel I am "actively mourning" anymore, but I know the hole will always be there... in my life and in my heart. I have accepted this, and I know that it has made me a stronger person (how could it not?).

When I sat down to write this post, I had a totally different angle worked out in my head. Interesting how things can take a turn, and the result is far from what was anticipated. I guess life is funny like that...

Love/Hate Relationship

I have a love/hate relationship with preschool drop off. I love it when I'm NOT working, and not so much when I have to rush off to school. I do like feeling more connected to his school, but I need to acknowledge that I have been extremely spoiled the past 4 years...

*Disclaimer - I know there are single working moms out there with multiple children and full full-time jobs who complete far more than I do on a daily basis... and yet never miss a soccer practice. I am not comparing myself to those warriors. :)*

I have never had to take Tyler anywhere in the morning for "drop off". In fact, I was even able to get ready in the morning while he slept. My schedule was rarely interrupted. When I signed on to taking him twice a week, I didn't realize the learning curve would be so large. (For me, not him.) We have had some really good mornings and a few stressful ones.

The first day I woke Tyler up too late. In fact, I was literally trying to get him dressed while he was still in bed trying to squeeze a few more minutes of slumber. I'd like to say we got his teeth brushed, but I'm honestly not sure. I do know, however, that I bribed him that morning with 5 mini-marshmallows. We also stopped at Starbucks (not out of the normal), where he requested a vanilla scone (which is frosted). I was actually happy he wanted a scone since he really doesn't eat in the morning. A quick tally... he had 5 marshmallows and a frosted scone. We got to school and I went around the car to open his door and he was standing over the center console taking a huge swig of my iced, 4 shot, nonfat, white chocolate mocha. New tally... 5 marshmallows, a frosted scone, and a huge swig of espresso. Needless to say, I didn't divulge any info to his teachers and bolted out the door before they could stop me. Mother of year?? Not so much...

Tilted Head-Nod

Meeting new people is interesting when you feel like you are hoarding a gigantic secret... only it's not really a secret... but I am incredibly tired of the tilted head-nod. The look I get when I tell people my "story" is one of which I am not fond. If you just meet me, one would never guess what I endured over the past year. I am able to hold an intelligent conversation without revealing my unique circumstance of which my new friend is unaware. Depending on the situation, I am actually quite talented at dodging questions that might lead to the big reveal. I can even steer a conversation to safer grounds by rerouting a person's questions. I don't avoid the awkwardness for me, but for them. It has turned into a little mental game for me... for lack of better term.

I don't think I look like the typical widow, however she might appear. I'm not sure the stereotype of one, but for some reason my visual is of a woman over the age of eighty. Not much about my external features lead people to assume the reality of my marital status. I actually kind of feel sorry for those who find out the truth after asking what seems to be a very innocent question. Then the tables turn, and they begin the tilted head-nod based on my revealing answer. For awhile I thought I was (maybe) imagining this infamous tilt, but after a friend told me, "I saw the head-nod!" I know I am not crazy... in this aspect. :)

I am to the point that I can share my story honestly and openly, without fearing the awkwardness that inevitably ensues. I have learned such an incredible life lesson. One that has changed me forever. I have only one person to thank for opening my eyes to what life truly is about.