Friday, July 31, 2009

One Year Ago...

One year ago (August 1st) we were given the shocking news that Bill had cancer. At that point, we were told it was squamous cell carcinoma. It wasn't until 4 days after we found out its true severity. If someone would have told me that one year from this day, I would be trying to heal my heart and living life as a single mom, I never would have believed it.

We are having a great summer and have kept extremely busy with different activities, travels, and play dates. It has been a godsend to have the summer off, which has allowed Tyler and me the chance to get used to our new "normal". We talk about Bill daily, and he is actually starting to understand that daddy didn't choose this. He didn't want to leave us. I make sure that I show Tyler a balance that it's OK to be sad and cry about missing dad, AND we can talk about him without tears, too. We can remember the good times and still draw him pictures, even though he is in heaven. I am so proud of my little man!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

One More Thing... Post #2

Part of my problem is thinking too much. Hence the reason for two posts in one day! I have not been sleeping well and that leads to trouble when I am left alone with my own thoughts. I think about death quite a bit and how insane it is that I am not alone in losing my husband at age 33 (although I turned 34 eleven days after Bill died). I lie awake at night thinking of ways I could possibly help other people if they are just beginning the cancer walk. I know a book is somewhere inside me, but that is really not enough. I want to talk to people... listen to them... support the caregiver. I was fortunate to meet someone who walked the path almost a year before I did. (Actually, I am unclear if "fortunate" is the appropriate word choice... maybe unfortunate would be more fitting in our situation.)

Now as I ramble, I realize I don't remember the main reason of this post. That is the story of my life... I have a severe case of what is known as "widow's brain". The numbness carries over to all aspects of life, not just in grieving.

I keep reminding myself that I cannot start a new beginning, but I can begin to create a new ending.

A New Outlook

I have a new outlook regarding death and the way in which someone dies. Losing someone suddenly is MUCH harder for the family, but drastically better for the "patient", since they don't experience months and months (in our case) of suffering. Losing someone due to a terminal illness is actually better for the family, since you are given time to say good-bye; yet this route is far more difficult for the patient. I am not saying one is "better" than the other, because both are horrific, I am just noting that there is a difference. Since I thankfully only have experience one way, I fully appreciate and took advantage of the time we had together. I also value the heart-wrenching conversations we had, and I have no doubts about the love we shared. I also was able to let him go at the end knowing I had not one regret... that is a gift in itself. I think these things play a huge role in the grieving process and has lessened my pain.

I don't usually quote fellow bloggers, but I recently read one that struck me as quite true. She is also a fellow widow, although lost her husband suddenly. She quoted Charles Swindoll (a pastor) who said:

I’m convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We have choices within our attitudes.

This is so true, especially as I navigate my way through the various stages of grief. The mind is a powerful thing. It IS up to me to live a happy life, or sit and wallow in pity. I don't pick the latter... Bill wouldn't want that either. He'd tell me to "buck up" and "suck it up", so that is what I am doing. One day at a time...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Technology

We live in a technological age. I can admit that I would be lost without various forms of technology in my life. Actually, I would guess I have some form of addiction, but since the entire world (practically) has the same problem, it tends to go unnoticed or is ignored. There are even aspects of my job (ahem... smart board) when I whole-heartedly depend on advanced technology.

We live in a fast-paced world... I can't imagine waiting for things that many of us lived without the majority of our lives. I didn't get my first cell phone until college, and now I panic if I leave it at home when I run to the store. I can't fathom looking up movie times in the paper, flipping through the yellow pages, or waiting at home for a phone call... or even writing checks to pay bills. Everything I do is done quickly, and there is a certain gratification to getting things done NOW, and not waiting for the mundane. I, for one, am not a fan of waiting for things that have the capability to be done quickly. It seems that I am always on fast-forward...

One thing has not advanced with time... Human emotions cannot be expedited. Grief cannot be fast-tracked. Feelings cannot be rushed. Life cannot be accelerated...

I am so humbly reminded that I need to slow down and allow myself to feel.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Wedding

The year of "firsts" is not easy. We have already encountered a few and this weekend was no exception. I went to my first wedding. I have to be honest and say that I probably wasn't ready for a wedding, but this one was unique. I knew my first one would have to be someone special, because I anticipated an emotional roller coaster. Since it was my cousin and I (obviously) knew her before I ever met Bill; it seemed the event would be an easier adventure... given my circumstance.

Widowed or not, it is not uncommon for me to get teary while a bride walks down the aisle or during the vows, etc. I did really well and didn't cry more than my "normal" amount.

We got to the reception and all was well... THEN, Tyler and I sat down at our table and thankfully, we were the first people to find it. I happened to sit directly in front of the table number and the back of it had writing that caught my eye. This is what I read:

THANK YOU
We have chosen a special way to thank you for celebrating our wedding day with us and also honor those who share this day with us in spirit. In doing so, we have made charitable donations to:

The Melanoma Research Foundation
The National Center for Learning Disabilities
Saint Mary's Catholic Central HS
and the
Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation

Thank you for being a part of our lives.


To say I was touched by this sentiment is an understatement. I sat in my chair and cried silently until I knew I couldn't get away with it any longer. Knowing the background, these all hold special places to our respective families. The kind thought that went into choosing these warms my heart. Just thinking about it makes my eyes well up with tears. I am proud to say that I went to the perfect "first" wedding. Thank you, Hughes family, for making it so special.

(And yes, I stole the table number thing for posterity, and so I could write about it.)

(I would post a picture of the reception, but I am far too embarrassed to show what my child was doing during/after dinner. Rolling on the dance floor is not my idea of appropriate, although I still managed to snap of picture of it.)

Friday, July 17, 2009

Boring!

I started this blog to keep friends and family updated on the cancer front. I had no idea it would turn into my therapy and get the response it has received. It has been a blessing all around.

I have come to the realization that we (Tyler and I) are boring! I don't have a new post everyday or information I am eagerly waiting to share. We lack excitement to the utmost degree. That being said, I thrive on this part of our lives. It doesn't make for "good blogging", but it does make for a calm, normal existence that I so badly craved the past year. (Whatever "normal" means...)

At Bill's funeral I lost count of how many people asked if I would continue the blog. I am nowhere near ready to give it up, in fact, I would really like to print it, but I have come to realize that I am very wordy... therefore, it is insanely long. Every once and awhile I get an e-mail or a comment from someone saying they sat down and read the entire thing from start to finish. My first thought is... there is NO way that is possible in one sitting!

I found a website that prints blogs (with the comments), but after I signed up and put in the blog address, it told me that my order could not be processed. I took that as, "Are you kidding? This is the longest thing ever and you need to shut your trap once and awhile!" :) I am still working on it. I would love to seek a publisher, but so much needs to be done in-between posts to make it a comprehensive story. Bill has encouraged me to write a book since before we got married. If he only knew that the subject would end up being about his battle against the beast. Who knew??

Monday, July 13, 2009

Vocabulary

The past year we learned a whole slew of new vocabulary words. Just the medical jargon alone was enough to make your head spin. Not to mention the medication names... Bill used to say he earned a medical degree learning it all. (He also said he earned a law degree watching reruns of Law & Order.) We also developed different terminology between the two of us.

The main words were - before, during, and after. Translation:

Before diagnosis...

During treatment...

After was a little complicated...

At the beginning it was "After treatment..." but the last few months, we both knew what after really meant. "Well, you know... after (insert head nod and eyebrow raise here)..." He died with a laundry list of things for me to do and take care of... after.

My "after" starts tomorrow. I know that seems a little late, a month to be exact, but I have been procrastinating making phone calls, changing insurance, and getting things squared away. I don't feel I am behind in the grieving process, so I suppose that is a little progress. We got home from our trip this afternoon and as I opened the mail, I started my list of To Do's (no shock there) and realized that it is officially after. I knew we were taking this trip and promised myself that upon our return I would take care of the logistics. We are back, and I kept my promise and started the train of phone calls this afternoon. Maybe I needed a month to be comfortable making the calls and saying the words, "My husband passed away..." because those words DO get easier to say. I can't believe it has been a month already. In some ways it seems like he has been gone A LOT longer, and in other ways it seems like just yesterday.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Lake Tahoe

Lake Tahoe is beautiful and the weather is perfect! In fact, I would even admit that today was a little too cool for beach play. That didn't stop Tyler, though. It has been a fun trip and tomorrow we leave to go to Bill's aunt's house in French Gulch. It is a different "small town" way of life, and I am excited to go back. I know Tyler will love it too.

We opened the ashes today and left a little bit of Bill in the lake. It was harder than I expected... just sad. I suppose I never assumed it would be easy. I keep telling myself that it is not really him, it's simply remnants of a shell that held his heart, and a piece of mine.

I am currently reading an amazing book that I highly recommend for anyone (especially if you have encountered death anytime in the past.) It is called, Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life. The title sounds a little harsh, but ignore it, the book is a genius account of how to move on with your life while still keeping the memory of the deceased present. It is the ideal balance of both... so helpful to know that I can continue my life while living in the bliss of Bill's memory.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Ring Around the Rosy

I have always thought it was odd that preschools alter the words to the song Ring Around the Rosy. It is a timeless classic that is sang (usually) without analyzing the words. The end part - ...ashes, ashes, we all fall down - is the part that has changed. Stay with me... I DO have a point. The song is about the Black Plague in Europe that dates back to the thirteen hundreds. (I could be a little off here, but that is the gist of it. Feel free to correct me!) There are two theories of what the ashes signify. One being the idea of death (Europe lost one-third of their population during this time) and burning the bodies... the other is about sneezing their "lungs out"... I think. My history is fuzzy, so please excuse my butchering.

I never deemed it necessary to change the lyrics to the song, and I also never thought it pertinent to explain the intended meaning to children. It seemed like a harmless nursery rhyme. This song now has new meaning for me.

I picked up the ashes today. I hesitate to say "Bill's ashes", because I just can't comprehend that he is actually in that small box. We leave for Lake Tahoe tomorrow for a little vacation and while it is well-warranted, it is bittersweet. We are going to take some of the ashes and put them on the lake. (I know it's illegal, so if you are a part of law enforcement we aren't really doing that.) Bill's first wish was to be spread in Tahoe... then the ocean... then Hawaii... then a golf course. Needless to say, I will honor those requests and spread him out. Things still seem surreal and I definitely have my moments, but we are hanging in there. Tyler is doing really well, and I, honestly, am too. Thank you all for still checking on us!!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Pronouns

I miss plural pronouns.

I miss "WE"...

I miss "OURS"...

I miss "US"...

It takes a conscious thought for me to alter my pronouns. I am not accustomed to using "I", "me", "my"... and I'm not sure I want to make a permanent change to my habitual vocabulary... but life is full of hurdles that are not always welcomed.



Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Beast

Cancer SUCKS! It is everywhere and difficult to escape. Although I am currently in the first stage of living without cancer, the thought of it never truly goes away. Cancer is based on stages (I-IV) and I feel like I am currently Stage V. I am living a complicated stage of the "aftermath". No longer with cancer... but will never be without it. I will be forever touched by the valiant fight Bill (and so many others) endured. At the ripe age of 34 I feel I know FAR too many people whose lives have been affected by this disease.

Recently, a dear friend was told she will be yet another person added to the list of "cancer fighters". She is just beginning her battle and needs some extra prayers. I can't stop thinking about her and her young family. She is supported, loved, and strong... and will be cancer-free after this little bump in the road.

I refuse to live my life with anger for cancer.

I refuse to let it take over my thoughts.

I refuse to let it have POWER over me.

I refuse to hate it... hate is a strong emotion and cancer doesn't deserve any emotion.

Cancer, I refuse to let you control anything in my life.

Cancer SUCKS!

*Cancer SUCKS! is an actual organization that raises money for cancer research.*