Joe and I went to the mortuary today and finalized the details for the cremation. It was surprisingly easy, although I am pretty numb and in a daze, so open heart surgery would also be easy at this point.
I am seriously spacey since Bill passed away. I can't focus... that is, I can't focus on what I am trying to do. I can focus perfectly on staring into space or watching a fly zoom around. I have never been one to just sit and watch TV. I always multi-task, even if it's watching TV and reading or being on the computer, I never just sit and stare at it. Our recent events have turned me into someone with severe attention issues. I am hoping this too, gets better with time.
Things are falling into place nicely for the service on Friday, and I can only hope that my numbness lasts for its entirety. I am having it videotaped... that might seem weird to some, but when the memory of a three year old is concerned, I feel it is necessary. (Yes, Tyler will be there.) With my mind in a constant haze, the video will be nice for me too.
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15 comments:
Thinking of you and sending a hug.
Jackie,
Your heart and mind are processing so much. Its perfectly normal to feel the way you are. I think its your brain protecting you from feeling TOO MUCH. Its the only way I can explain it.
I remember coming home from making arrangements and I stared at the TV for a few hours. Luckily John Edward (the medium, not the politician) was on Larry King Live talking about how our loved ones are always with us.
Your heart probably feels full, achy, like it got hit really hard. Actually I think its full of love that Bill has for you and always will....
I look forward to a wonderful memorial service for a wonderful man.
Anna Hogan
Dear Jackie-
It will getter better with time- but it will be a long road. Just take one day at a time. You have spent all the months since Bill was diagnosed focusing on him, and what needed to be done for him. You have been on a rollercoaster for quite some time. You need this time for you now to just decompress, feel your grief, and regroup. Your whole world has changed. Space all you need to.
Thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and Tyler.
Delora ('85)
Dear Jackie,
For the year following my Mom's death I would have been perfectly happy laying on the couch every day, spacing out, watching whatever was on TV and eating chocolate chip cookie dough. I'm completely serious! If I could have, I would have.
Delora's advice to just take one day at a time is perfect. When one day seemed too long I would break it into 'just the morning' or even 'just the next two hours'. That way it feels sort of manageable. In time, believe it or not, it does get easier. It can feel impossible now, like you just want to take a break from the pain and you can't, but it really will get easier. It just takes much longer than I ever realized so try not to put any time line on yourself.
All the support, love and prayers that have been there for Bill, you and Tyler are not ending. It is still all there for you and Tyler. Bill won't let us let you guys down. :-)
Best wishes,
Lori Buley
Jackie,
The days following the death of my mom and later my dad were akin to an out of body experience....I was doing what needed to be done then, usually, at the end of the day I replayed my day's activities in my mind, like a movie, but this time I was the observer watching me going through the motions. I still remember choosing my dad's casket and bringing my dad's military dress uniform to the mortuary on my birthday and thinking, "this isn't happening." Truly best described as an out of body experience.
As Delora so aptly said, your focus for nearly the last 12 months has been on caring for Bill and riding the waves of dread, elation, hope, anxiety, and sorrow. At the same time you were providing Tyler the normalcy a 3 year old needs in the midst of an anything-but-normal life.
Now, in one breath, your life is taking a new direction...a sudden sharp turn...no wonder you're in a daze. The fog will clear and you will be able to focus, multi-task again :) This is all part of the healing process and that will come with time. Hospice is a tremendous resource for helping you and Tyler through the grieving process. Use them, they want to help.
Love,
Nancy
Everyone is saying this so beautifully. This time especially leading up to the service is rather timeless. You move through it and do what only has to be done. Your heart and mind can only process so much at a time. A big hug of support from me.
Again, Jackie, you are an amazing woman. I think your plans sound beautiful. With everything swirling through your mind, your #1 thoughts are for Tyler. I love that - another wonderful trait, unselfish. Much love from our family.
Jackie:
You've spent your life being a multi-tasker and especially the last year you were probably operating in overdrive.
Its YOUR turn to be taken care of! You are surrounded by loved ones and friends that will step it at anytime you need anything!
You and Tyler remain in my prayers.
Chris (85)
Jackie,
Remember to take care of yourself too! Prayers continue for you and Tyler and the rest of the family. I am here for you whatever, whenever, you need!!!
d
Jackie & Tyler,
Our thoughts and prayers are with you and hope you'll always find the strength to get past the hard moments and dwell in the love that Bill has for you.
Let us know how we can recognize Bill in some way - a charity, an account for Tyler, etc.
Love from Cousin Jim Mazza
When Day Is Done
Edgar Guest
When day is done and the night slips down,
And I've turned my back on the busy town,
And come once more to the welcome gate
Where the roses nod and the children wait,
I tell myself as I see them smile
That life is good and its tasks worth while.
When day is done and I've come once more
To my quiet street and the friendly door,
Where the Mother reigns and the children play
And the kettle sings in the old-time way,
I throw my coat on a near-by chair
And say farewell to my pack of care.
When day is done, all the hurt and strife
And the selfishness and the greed of life,
Are left behind in the busy town;
I've ceased to worry about renown
Or gold or fame, and I'm just a dad,
Content to be with his girl and lad.
Whatever the day has brought of care,
Here love and laughter are mine to share,
Here I can claim what the rich desire--
Rest and peace by a ruddy fire,
The welcome words which the loved ones speak
And the soft caress of a baby's cheek.
When day is done and I reach my gate,
I come to a realm where there is no hate,
For here, whatever my worth may be,
Are those who cling to their faith in me;
And with love on guard at my humble door,
I have all that the world has struggled for.
Our most sincere condolences. we will see you tomorrow.
Love Tracy and Jodi
Jackie,
I think its great that not only is Tyler going but that your video taping it.
There's so much I cant remember about my mom's service I wish I had something to look back on. Everyone is different but what seems to be the general concensus is numbness. I paniced just thinking I had to go through a funeral service for my mom. Are you kidding? She just tucked me in a few night before we had to bury her. How do you even begin to process that. You just do. I wonder so many times how I got from point A to point B. I had no recollection of travel, people, converations or time. I still wonder to this day how I survived w/o my most precious person: My mom. What I hope I never have to wonder is how to cope with the grief of losing my husband. Parents should not out-live their children so it seems like a normal cycle when you do lose one. But a Spouse, your equals. Your suppose to live together 'forever'. Your and Billy's time was cut WAY TOO SHORT...but you already know that.
This turned out to be longer than I wanted it too be. So take care Jackie I will pray for your strenght tomorrow and the days to come.
Kelly
I'm not going to to check for typos. So please dont take out your red pen ok? ;-)
I think taping the service is the most thoughtful thing to do for both you and Tyler, and I am so glad you made that decision.
I wanted to let you know that Claim Jumper would like to contribute to the reception tomorrow with, of course, food. It is what we do best. :) If there is anything you would like, or need, please do not hesitate to email me, shannon.powers@claimjumper.com, or call me (949)757-7843, or (818)613-2954. We can do anything, just let me know and I will make it happen.
Love,
Shannon
i love and adore you all !!!!!!!! i just keeping thinking of that night when he surprised your mom and i !!!!!! it makes me laugh and sad at the same time!!!! i wont ever forget it... thank you for letting me stay and hang for alittle bit!!!!! i am sending you and tyler lots and lots of hugs!!!!! love you... aud ( frank and ethan) xoxoxxooxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I asked my doctor about 6 mos. after Brian's death to seriously treat me for ADD because I couldn't focus on anything, completely scatter-brained, lack of concentration. He looked at me and just said, you have grief-induced ADD. It is slowly getting better.
Also, great idea to video, I regret I didn't do that. I have kept so much, even have Brian's last CT scan that showed melanoma just taking over his body. I figure I had to see it to believe it because Brian had appeared so healthy for most of the time, even at stage 4. I figure Tye might someday want to stare at the screen to realize what took place in his life at such a young age. I did take pictures of the flowers and casket, and also of Tye so he would understand how young he was. He had his arm around our priest...it was sweet, but heartbreaking.
Do take care of yourself. The first several weeks, I was in a daze and kind of felt like I had gotten fired from my job that I had spent 24 hours a day doing, caring for Brian. It took me a while to figure out just what to do next. Now, 15 months later, I still have hazy days, but more are clear than hazy. Tyler will be a huge part of your ability to pick up and keep going, as I am so very thankful for Tye and always having Brian close in my heart, and also right with Tye.
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