As the disease progressed, I knew we were in for difficult times. I knew it would be the hardest time of our life, and I knew I would answer questions from a three-year-old that I would never be able to predict. I knew a lot... and even though I knew one cannot prepare for this type of tragedy; I need to admit that I didn't know it would be devastating to the nth degree. Granted it has barely been 24 hours, but the thought that he is gone never, ever leaves my mind.
Tyler asked me today, "Does Daddy live in a different house now?"
I said, "Yes, he lives a huge beautiful house with Jesus up above the clouds in the sky."
He said, "But his car is still here, how did he get there?"
I replied, "You don't need a car in heaven. It's a magical place."
He quietly took in the answer and is contemplating the next question, I'm sure. He's just like his dad...
We love (and need) the prayers. Thank you to our amazing support system who has continued to pray for us and love us. Tyler and I need it more now, than ever. We will be OK, and we will get through this together. He is one special little boy, and I don't think it's a coincidence that he looks exactly like Bill.
Bill's Memorial Service and Reception
Friday, June 19th at 11:00am
Saint John Vianney Church
1345 Turnbull Canyon Rd.
Hacienda Heights, CA 91745
All are welcome!
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12 comments:
I've been waiting for your post all day, as you have not left my mind. We will be here for you and Tyler as you embark on your journey to a new normal, and as you discover new strength you never thought you had to get through the rough times that are ahead. Bill lives on in your heart and always will...both he and God will grant you peace and lift you up when you feel like you can go no further. Let the innocence of Tyler and his angelic words wrap you like a warm blanket and give you a new perspective when you need one. You WILL be okay, of that I have no doubt, but give yourself the time that you need and realize that there are no expectations or rules that go along with the healing and mourning process. Have I told you lately how incredible I think you are and what an inspiration you are? Doug and I will see you Friday and we will all celebrate Bill's incredible life and the indelible mark he has left on this world and all the people that came in contact with him. Did you see what he did with the weather today? After reading an early post this morning by another reader, I couldn't help but smile as the sun shined unexpectedly all day. It was as if Bill was telling us all he was okay, out of pain, and happy to be in a much better place. I smiled thinking of him all day.
You know I adore you and my heart breaks for you right now. Remember my story about the stone I have on my desk that says, "Let it Be." I'll see you soon, Tamie
I am looking forward to being at the service to honor Bill's life and to support you and Tyler.
Mary Nyeholt
I, too, having been logging on all day anxiously waiting for your post. Tonight, for some reason, I am at a loss for words. Tamie said it all for me. Many of my friends and family that live across the country have been praying for you and your family in their Bible Study groups, in their daily prayers, and at church. I will send you some of their emails. They of course, are devastated by the news of Bill's passing. Each one is praying to God to take care of you and Tyler while guiding you through the mine field of mourning and rebuilding. Take Tamie's words to heart...they ring so true...."there are no expectations or rules that go along with the healing and mourning process."
Bill is a hero and one day Tyler will understand just how much his dad sacrificed and suffered so that he could be with Tyler as long as God would allow. I think God recognized Bill's fighting spirit, his willingness to endure pain, and the love he had for you and his son and so became his comrade, being right at his side and fighting with Bill these past 10 months.
Now Bill and God are guiding you from above. Know it and believe it.
Nancy
Hi Jackie,
I remember in the early months, after my mom passed away, that I had to keep saying to myself 'Just take care of the basics'. Meaning I had to make sure I ate, the kids ate and we all got as much sleep as possible. On a good week I might have even remembered to do the laundry or buy some groceries. So, as you go on from here maybe just thinking of taking care of the basics will help you too. I know that thinking beyond that can be hugely overwhelming sometimes.
I will be there on Friday.
Best wishes and lots of love, prayers and support.
Lori Buley
Going to do my best to be there this Friday. Had quit reading the blog a while back because to think of all you and Bill were going through was too hard to read sometimes. (Even now can't stop crying) But then I would come back because the devotion and love that came through your writing was too strong to ignore. Bill was a lucky man to have you as his wife, even if it was for so short a time. He was a very sweet boy and (from your writings) an even better man. He will be missed greatly. Haven't seen him since HS but remember how he never EVER said anything bad about anyone. Ever. He was just that type of person. I will also go to my church and have our parish include him in their prayers.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you mend back together some sort of a normal life. You were the driving force for Bill to stay here on earth for as long as possible and with the strenghth you hold so tightly with, you will be that same force in making sure Tyler never forgets his daddy. The two of you shared a rare gift and Tyler is the beautiful bow on what was an already beautiful package.
The best to you as you morn the loss of your loving husband.
The DeVrieze Family, Chris(school mate and friend) and Ellen
Jackie,
I'm so sorry for your loss. Just remember to live life like Bill would want you to! Help Tyler to remember all the good times. While the separation seems hard now while you are here on earth know that you will be together again! I am praying for you to find peace and your "new normal". Tamie said it all when she said,"let the innocence of Tyler and his angelic words wrap you like a warm blanket and give you a new perspective when you need one." He will be your life saver!
Tammy L.
Jackie~
You and Tyler are in our prayers. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help...an ear to listen, a heart who understands the pain of loss. Be good to yourself, give yourself time, lean into God's comfort...He knows your pain and will meet you exactly where you are. A New Normal takes time...be patient with yourself.
With My Deepest Sympathy,
Annette Craig
Jackie:
I lost my father in January. Though it might sound strange, I highly recommend that someone be responsible for photographing and videotaping the service. Words will be spoken by friends and family, memories relived, laughter at stories remembered. The service is a celebration of Bill's life and your emotions are going to be too raw to truly be in the present.
I promise you in the future on a low day if you pull the photos/video out, you'll find so much peace in reliving the Celebration of Bill's life.
I'm so sorry that I won't be able to attend Bill's service, but I hope my suggestion will help.
God's peace to you all
Chris Bergman (Amat 85)
Jackie,
I echo Chris Bergman's sentiments and idea: video taping the service is an excellent idea. Tyler will certainly appreciate seeing and hearing the memorial when he is older. Do you remember making that suggestion when we talked at my house a few weeks ago? A friend of mine did the same thing when her husband passed (at 29 years of age) and her son was only 4 years old. The taping will be good for you as well. Chris is right, the memorial is a celebration of Bill's life and it will be so wonderful for Tyler to see this celebration,this honoring of his dad and to see first hand how loved and how special he was.
A great suggestion, Chris!! Thank you!!
Jackie and Tyler,
Although we are kinda far, we will always be close, if there is ever anything you need please do not hesitate to let us know, if you need to get away for awhile, call and you can stay here anytime! We love Bill so much and I say Love because he will always be with us! We are so sorry for your and Tyler's loss and we will continue to pray for you both. Love, Kisses, thoughts and Prayers,
Lenny and Julie
Dear Jackie
I like the picture taken at the beach. The beach is my soul mate! I will always remember him esp there (Laguna) I remember Billy's hugs and full wonderful laugh. I had him judge Weber BBQ Competition at the LA County Fair several times. My stafff still remembers his wonderful Chicken Salad lunch I had him bring one day. I will always remember him. I have read the Last Lecture and I am reading The Shack now...God is with you Jackie, this I know for sure. Sending you support through prayer. Silvia Bishop
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