So many different emotions and feelings, I don't really know where to start.
My main concern right now is Tyler, and no one else, really. I told him that Daddy had to go walk with Jesus in heaven and we wouldn't see him anymore. I also told him that I would always take care of him, and that it's OK to be sad sometimes, but we can still talk to him while he's in heaven. He jumped off the swing we were sitting on and asked me to play jump rope. Then later...
I took Tyler up to bed, and he walked into my room and saw that the bed with Daddy in it was gone. He cried... not an obnoxious "I want attention" cry, but a slow, sad cry that showed me he understood. He tried to crawl under my bed to hide, so I sat next to him on the floor and we cried together. My poor baby... it was heart wrenching.
I know he desperately needs a mommy who is able to give him all her attention (since the last few weeks have been so crazy), and he needs me to guide us to a new normal. That is my new quest... finding Tyler some stability in his life so that we can try to rebuild our household with just the two of us... I learned tonight, that the sooner the better.
I thought this blog served as my therapy through this ordeal, but now it will be more so than ever.
** Services will be held on Friday, more details will follow. **
About Me
My Blog List
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The Grief Shift9 years ago
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Total Mass Confusion~9 years ago
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The New PostSecret Book10 years ago
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5 Years Ago Today10 years ago
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Three years post transplant!!12 years ago
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Hiatus?12 years ago
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Saying Goodbye12 years ago
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Tree Trimming12 years ago
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Merry Christmas12 years ago
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I believe in signs14 years ago
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Relay for Life14 years ago
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You Wanna Be a Rock Star?14 years ago
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Maddie's Blog
16 comments:
Jackie,
You and I briefly talked of this day with Tyler last week. I can only reiterate my experiences with my daughter when my parents passed. Don't "dummy down" or "play down" your grief in Tyler's presence; don't try to maintain control. If you need to sob, then sob. If your mood is glum, then so be it. I hope that didn't sound too blunt! :) I truly feel that children need to see the whole range of emotions when someone they love passes.
You, of course, know Tyler best, and I certainly know that your gut and common sense will direct you during these next difficult days and in the weeks and months to come. There are so many milestones the first year of someone's passing...the first holidays without them, their birthday, and your anniversary are just a few times when the memories will come flooding back.
The support of your family, friends, hospice, and your faith in God will guide and comfort you as you grieve and build a new life for yourself and Tyler. People want to help...let them. Then, take one day at a time. Don't look too far ahead right now as the future can seem overwhelming with so many unknowns. Remember, God wouldn't have taken Bill if He didn't know that you and Tyler would survive and, yes, someday thrive with their love guiding from above.
Remember, I am always here for both of you. Love to you and Tyler, Nancy
Jackie,
I forgot to add that grieving together, as you did tonight, will reinforce the beautiful bond you and Tyler already share. Individually, you will be each other's greatest comfort. Love again, Nancy
Jackie,
Have faith that God will protect you and Tyler and guide you through all the ups and downs of the days ahead. There is a way to "make it". Just take one day at a time, even just focusing on little parts of the day. Lean on those around you for support and love. Let your family and friends fill you will love, when your tank is empty, let it be filled again!!
Filling you with love and prayers!
Daune
As stated in so many other comments, you are truly an amazing woman! You're an inspiration to many - those who have lost, those who have not. I think many will draw strength from YOU and you will find yourself comforting others rather than being the one to be comforted. Prayers don't stop - the words just change a little.
again jackie i just can't even imagine what you and tyler are going through. may you feel the presence of God around you more than ever.
They say God only deals us what we can handle...it seems so unfair for a little boy to have to go through such a thing. When I came over to see Bill, he gathered a few pics to show me of him, and the way he lit up when he looked at them and told me about him was a look af extreme love and pride. Telling me about happy times and how much he cherished the both of you really perked him up. Jackie, I'm so sorry. I'm thinking about you and praying for you.
-Alison
I posted once this morning when it was still dark - BUT DID YOU NOTICE THAT THE SUN IS SHINING THIS MORNING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ABOUT 3 WEEKS? SOMEONE IS HAPPY TODAY!!!
I am truly sorry to hear about passing I am a consent of his on Ann;s side & even though I have not seen Billy Or meet you I am sadden by his loss.He will always be remembered as A good person with a Great heart.My brothers & I are saddened that we will not see his smiling face again.I will pray for you & Tyler in these trying time.
May God Bless you, Tyler and all the Bartak's on this part of the journey. As you greive remember Jeremiah 29:11 & 12, "I know the plans I have for you..." Your faith and trust in God will help you through this difficult time.
May God's Peace be with you and the family.
I would love to know what sort of help we can give either in the form of a memorial fund for Tyler or donations to your family. Please update us on your wishes as far as monetary help when you have a chance to think this side of your planning through. We are here for you.
Not exactly sure how old your Tyler is now. My Tye (also Tyler) turned 5 in Feb. and will start kindergarten in the fall. Brian died about 6 weeks after Tye's 4th birthday. I am by far not the expert in sobbing little boys who are genuinely mourning the loss of their daddy, but on the other hand, I have dealt with so much. Please email me if you ever want to vent or need extra support. Tye has been through the cycle of emotions and is going through them again. But we are making it, and he is a blessing to me, to be able to really share with him about Heaven and about how much Brian loves him. I agree with others who have posted, don't shelter him too much, do go with your gut instinct, and do just take one day at a time, don't necessarily do what others think you should do. Brian's parents wanted me to not take Tye to the funeral home, and I have no regrets. I think they wanted to shelter themselves from seeing his pain. I am sure Bill knew you would do your best, and his love will guide you.
Take care
Jackie, Tyler and The Bartak Family,
Thank you for allowing us into your lives for the past 10 months. You took what many might consider a personal family situation and allowed us to share in the highs and lows, tears and laughs and joys and sorrows. You allowed all of us to travel on this journey with you and Bill - gave some of us who have never experienced this with a loved one an insight to the world of 'cancer' - and did it with dignity, strength and courage. Bill was blessed to be surrounded by so many people who loved and cared for him and who dignified his last days on this earth. While he is no longer with you physically, his spirit and strength will carry you through the days, weeks and months ahead.
God bless the entire Bartak Family.
Rest in peace Bill - you are free now from the pain and disease that took you too early from us.
dear jackie,
I am sure you will be a pillar of strength and love for your son in the time to come.Thankyou for sharing your journey with the rest of us, may your husband rest in peace and may God grant you and tyler peace as well. Take care.
I have followed your blog for months and have admired your strength and courage along the way. Cancer is a terrible disease that simply claims too many lives. I am relieved that Bill has gone "home" and is no longer in pain, and I pray that you and Tyler find peace. Know that you are in so many prayers today, and always.
With love,
Linda Karst (friend of Sharon)
Oh, Jackie!
I just read the news. I am soo soo sorry for you and Tyler. I don't know what to say. Please keep writing your blog!
Take care,
Kelly
Jackie, I only met you once with your little boy, but I did work with Bill and you are all blessed with the time you had with each other. Bill was an amazing man. So pationate and real! When I heard the news today I was lost. I had thought of all three of you over the past 3 days and just wasn't sure how to reach you. Then today I got online and entered in Bill's name and found this website. Bill was still at Starbucks when I went on my medical leave. As I was getting ready to return I found out that he was also gone for medical reasons. I am keeping you and Tyler in my prayers and I know that god has a plan for the both of you. You are definitely a blessed woman!
Take Care
Kathy Diaz Store Manager with Starbucks Coffee Company Huntington Beach
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