The Post You May Want to Skip

Everything I had researched and read about death mentioned the feelings of peace and calm that a terminal patient finally achieves. The last two weeks of Bill's life were anything but peaceful. I repeatedly stated that what Bill (and our family) endured was not even close to the realm of one dying in peace. I honestly felt that everything comforting I had heard about death was a lie... I was bitter that after such a difficult fight, even his death would be painful and stressful.

On Monday, June 15th, around 4:30 in the afternoon I finally allowed myself to leave Bill's side and head downstairs for a break. I had been next to him the better part of the day. It had been all of about 15 minutes, and I had just finished making Tyler a sandwich. Adam heard his mom's warning from upstairs and looked at me and said, "He's going." We both ran at full speed up the stairs. My heart sank... I knew the moment for which we had all reluctantly prayed was actually happening. One can NEVER prepare.

I sat next his shell and put his hand in mine and watched his chest attempt to keep taking breaths. (They were very few and far between.) After having his eyes closed and his mouth open for a solid three days, he opened his eyes and closed his mouth. He also took both of his hands out of ours and slowly set them on top of each other on his stomach in preparation for his final slumber... and then he took his last breath at exactly 5:00.

We sat around him praying and crying for about 15 minutes. After he passed, his eyes closed again and his mouth reopened when his jaw muscles loosened. I actually tried to close it and the nurse warned me that his jaw wouldn't stay shut, but I had to try it for myself. We took our attention off of Bill and recapped what had happened and talked about logistics with the nurse. I looked back to Bill's thin face and couldn't believe what I saw... he had closed his mouth almost completely and was wearing a grin that only Bill could give. HE WAS SMILING! I never would have believed it if I didn't see it for myself. An actual SMILE. Finally, he was at peace... we were at peace... The fight was over and it WAS peaceful.

Before Bill passed, I told him I wanted some sort of sign afterward that he was all right and made his journey safely. I also clarified that "a sign" was not the same as "haunting". I clearly told him that I did not wish to be haunted or scared in any way. No peaking in windows or showing up in pictures as a ghost, etc. He said he understood and would do his best to honor my wishes. I got my sign... he smiled to let me know all was well, and he made it safely. Hence the reason I took pictures. As odd as it sounds, Bill's death was a beautiful life experience. I get it now... the peacefulness, the calmness, the serenity... I get it.