We have actually had a very quiet day. Bill drifted in and out of consciousness and we were able to (again) tell him how much he is loved. I might venture to say it was a slightly better day than yesterday, but I don't want to give false hope to anyone, especially myself.
I have been really good today (emotionally), but now I sit here on our bed knowing that I will never share it with Bill again. With him lying in front of me in his hospital bed, I feel as though my whole world is flashing in front of my eyes, only there is no flashing, things are in slow motion.
Is it possible to run out of tears? I am not to that point, but I would think that the time is coming when I won't physically be able to produce anymore tears. Will that be a welcome day or a dreaded one? Will it be a reprieve or yet another stress? I know the pain will not go away, but will it ever lessen? I can actually feel my heavy heart breaking.
Please, God, help diminish ALL of our pain.
That's How You Know
1 week ago
26 comments:
Dearest Jackie,
No one can fix your broken heart but Father Time. However, all the loving family members and friends can hold you tight and help you to endure. One day you will smile again from the inside out, but for now the many hours of pain are a testament to the many hours of joy that you and Bill have had together. Feel the pain, but celebrate the life. You are perfect.
Aloha, Ardeth (Aunt Judy's friend)
P.S. Don't be afraid of the numbness. It is your body's way of coping. And yes, eventually, that heavy pain does go away. It comes back in tiny little bits and leaves again quickly. I guarantee it.
I am holding you in my heart.
Ardeth
Jackie,
May God be with you , Bill and Tyler as you go through the next days, months and forever. Time doesn't heal the pain, remembering all the great times you and Bill shared together will relieve the pain. And those wonderful thoughts will keep you going as God will leads you forward. Peace be with you and your families, you and Bill are always in our prayers.
All Our Love
Jackie,
You will always be able to produce tears, but there will come a time where you'll be able to think of Bill and talk of Bill without crying. At the same time there will always be times when you do cry, even if only for a moment or a few minutes. In time it will all balance out. This is a healthy balance and it will come and it will be a good balance for you and Tyler. For now, let the tears flow...you are sad, you are grieving; don't try to be in control of your tears....you have no control over death. The grieving process is different for everyone but always remember to cry when the feelings and memories take you in that direction. That is healthy and don't worry about Tyler...he needs to see his mom sad over daddy being gone.
Thank you for your post, Jackie. I love my friend and miss seeing her! Love to you and Tyler!! Nancy
Words seem so inadequate at this time. I pray that God will ease your pain, Jackie.
Mary Nyeholt
I'm hugging you right now. I hope you can feel it. Thank you for letting us go through this with you. I'll be here for you when you need me.
Tamie
Jackie,
Your strength through this time has been inspiring.
Just the fact that you keep everyone up to date through this medium has been a great gift to all of us.
Thank you.
Again, I wish there was anything I could do to ease you through this process, but I can't even imagine what it is like to be in your shoes.
All my love to You, Bill and Tyler,
Todd
Jackie,
I would suspect that no hug no encouragement or to even tell you my heart goes out to you as Bill is preparing to have a change of address. From reading your blog I have come see what strength, faith and unconditional love you have been providing to Bill, Tyler and your kids at school. You have been such an inspiration to all of us. I know that God has a plan for you as well and he is going to use these tears, this pain, this valley that you and the family have been walking in for something so much bigger. He has prepared a place for Bill and it is going to be so much more than we can ever imagine. I pray that God brings comfort, clarity and mercy to you and reveals the "why" so there is no doubt that this season is for a purpose. With much respect and honor.. Sherri (Delgado) Merino (Amat Class of 85)
Also, Scott from Texas was the Scott that commented in the last post.
I talked to him tonight, and his thoughts and prayers are with you as well.
Having just lost my father to cancer, and my grandfather before him, I know what you are going through in terms of the things Bill is experiencing right now (which unfortunately can drag on longer than you think), and the feeling of "how do I go on without him?"- though the loss of a spouse is very different.
I can only say to you that you have to ride the waves of pain, and know that you will always keep Bill with you even after he is gone.
My heart goes out to you. My prayers go out to Bill. Thank you for all the sharing you have done on this blog. It helped me not feel so alone as I watched my father fight the same battle. Please know the thoughts and prayers of so many are with you right now.
Sincerely,
Delora (Amat Class of 85)
Jackie-
My heart is breaking for you, sweet friend. I have not stopped praying for your family since your last blog. I am praying that God sends you, Bill, and Tyler many arms to wrap you in love. I never had the honor or priviledge of meeting Bill, but I have no doubt that he will make a beautiful angel...he has had a perfect example in you.
Kim Smith
Jackie,
I'm so sorry for your pain and I wish you, Bill and Tyler love and peace. I just found out that things had taken a turn and my heart hurts for you. Lots of love from our family to yours.
Dan Serrato
Jackie,
I have read your blog daily over the past few months, and have gained so much inspiration from your faith in God, your sense of humor while going through your daily struggles, and the grace in which you tackle all of the stuff that continues to happen.
You all have been and will remain in my prayers. For peace, for strength, for comfort and to be surrounded by friends and family who love you all so much.
In high school I remember thinking of Bill as the gentle giant guy. When you look in scripture at the Fruits of the Spirit, it seems that Bill has so many of these gifts: gentleness, joy, kindness... it's all Bill. That's a pretty cool legacy that most of us can't even come close to touching.
Like so many others here, I am sending you my love.
Lisa Osuna-Strnad (Amat '85)
You have all of our love and I'm praying for you, your husband, and Tyler all the time.
With love, as always,
Stephanie
Blessings and peace,love and joy,prayers and support sent your way. These are such difficult yet precious times.
Love
Annie and Bob
Jackie,
I just heard about your husband. I had no idea... I am so sorry. Please know that our prayers are with you and your family. We will miss you at Golden. Second grade was Garrett's favorite year. He loved his "Pretty" teacher. God bless you and may you find peace in knowing that Bill will be with our Heavenly Father again.
The Larson Family
Jackie- I have been reading your blog since a colleague told me about your family's struggles. I am a teacher in our district, and I used to work with you at Rio. My heart aches for you, Bill, Tyler, and all of your friends and family. May the emotional support and prayers of so many who read your blog, most of whom you will never meet, help to lighten the heaviness of your heart, if only for a moment. In those times when you feel most alone, may it help to know that you have the support of many, across the miles. I am so happy for you that you have told Bill that he may leave, it is so important for him to hear that and for you to say it. May the strength of the Holy Spirit enable you to contiue to be who our Lord is asking you to be through this most difficult time.
May you feel Mary wrap her arms around you and give you the courage to continue to be a most beautiful wife and mother.
Sharon McBenttez
xoxoxoxoxo.....love and praying!!!!!! i had a lucky moment with you three last week... and i fill so much joy in my heart that bill came down and had conversation and laughs... thank you god for that.....xoxoxoo audrey
Jackie,
the broken heart will mend with time, but the place where Bill is will always be there. You will with time be able to shed tears and smile, hopefully only with the joy of the things that Tyler accomplishes! You will also with time actually be able to laugh with Joy when you remember Bill and the funny things he was always saying and doing. We wish only the best things in life for you and Tyler, you have both been through so much in so little time! We can only hope to be as strong, caring, loving and as a good a person as you, you are a true inspiration to all of us! As for Bill, when he does finally decide to be with the Lord and those who have gone before, his life will be beautiful again and without pain...We can both truly say that he also has been an inspiration to us through out everything! We will always remember his humor, laughter, and kindness! Much love and hugs and kisses to all of you. God Bless you all,
Julie and Lenny
My heart and prayers are with you right now. Bill said to me very often that you were the best thing that ever happened to him, and I absolutely agree. I know his heart is feeling every bit of love you have for him, and he is loving you right back. Thank you for being who you are and so perfect for one of my very best friends. Love you. Shannon
No words ever spoken can ever ease the pain you, Bill, Tyler and the entire family are going through. Just know that you have people who are praying and thinking about you and rest easy that the days will get better in time. The tears will not stop flowing but one day they will be tears of joy thinking back on the good times, laughs and love that you shared. God Bless the entire family now and forever.
No words ever spoken can ever ease the pain you, Bill, Tyler and the entire family are going through. Just know that you have people who are praying and thinking about you and rest easy that the days will get better in time. The tears will not stop flowing but one day they will be tears of joy thinking back on the good times, laughs and love that you shared. God Bless the entire family now and forever.
Jackie:
You have shared so much with so many of us, allow all of us to be there for you as time passes for it is through memories that Bill will continue to live on.
You’ll never run out of tears, but my hope is that they will be replaced - in time - with smiles and laughter. May Tyler be a constant reminder of the love that you have with Bill. While the sorrow might be with you for a some time, remember to rejoice in the fact that Bill will be at peace with our Lord.
Rejoice in the daily reminders of your love when you look at Tyler. Rejoice in the time you had with Bill and the future conversations that you’ll share with him as you watch Tyler grow. Bill might not be standing physically by your side, but he will always be with you, giving you strength, hope, love and the will to go on.
You’re in my prayers.
Chris Bergman (Amat 85)
God bless you and your family. You're in my families prayers. We love you Bill.
Ray P.
I hope this doesn't come off too strangely.. I happened upon your blog via another blog belonging to a widow who lost her husband to melanoma. But I just wanted to say that my family and I will be praying our hardest for you all for strength and peace at this difficult hour. May God bless you and hold you in His loving embrace.
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