We've been living with cancer for nine and a half months to the day, but that doesn't mean we are comfortable with the word, idea, or baggage that it carries.
There are those days when we wish with all our hearts that things were different. That things could be the way they were.
This was one of those days for me. I don't want to speak for Bill to say this was one of those days for him, but I don't think I am too far off the mark to assume he feels similarly.
I want him back.
I want to see him rowing a canoe on Lake Tahoe.
I want to see him napping on the couch on a Sunday afternoon with Tyler on his chest.
I want to be with him and walk hand in hand on the beach.
I want to see him sitting outside, laughing, and sharing a good time with a Maker's Mark in his hand.
I want to look at him and laugh when he makes crazy voices while reading to Tyler.
I want to see him trying to get on a hammock in St. Lucia and laugh when he falls backwards... twice.
I want him to enjoy that life again.
I want us to enjoy our life again.
I want Tyler to enjoy his dad again.
I want him back.
I want so badly to remember every detail before the beast took over, and I am desperately frightened that my mind will fail me.
Lesson of the day: Cherish each day with your loved ones. Take time to stop and enjoy the moment. You just never know what the future holds.
We Know Better
6 days ago
5 comments:
Hi Jackie,
It is oh so difficult to love someone so deeply and know that, ultimately, we have no choice as to when the relationship will be called to an end.
You are right that each of us needs to take as many moments as we can to absorb and appreciate what we have. I hope and pray that "one day" it will ALL make sense to all of us...
Love,
Susan and Kevin
I love you both very much and too dearly miss my goofy, funny, free of pain Uncle Bill
Jackie,
What a beautiful, poignant post. I want all of those things for you too. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Tamie
let me clear my eyes so i could type to you that i pray and think about how i want him back for you and tyler too!!!! here for you whenever, wherever,etc.... love you all xoxo audrey
jackie i can't even imagine what yall are going through. this post brought tears to my eyes. my prayer is that God heals bill and you WILL have all these things back.
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