Cancer patients are pressured to always have a positive attitude. The second they try to show vulnerability or fear, people panic and shut them out, saying, "Don't be negative. You have to stay positive." Granted, I am not a cancer patient, but I have watched it happen to Bill. Even if you are not the patient, it is hard to talk to others about anything negative because you seem as though you have lost hope. The irony is that we feel the need to appear upbeat, courageous, and positive, even when we don't feel any of those emotions at that given moment.
Quite honestly, there are times that I write something on the blog that is far more positive than I feel or brighter than the reality. I think I do this for many different reasons... to reassure loved ones, to protect family members, to fool myself? If I don't write it, maybe it won't be true. We hear a lot about how essential a positive outlook is. It almost makes me afraid to acknowledge a bad day for fear that it somehow will result in a setback for us. Honesty really is the BEST policy. I think being honest is far more important than falsifying a positive face to the world. I am in NO WAY suggesting that we want to wallow in depression, anger, or bitterness. I think a positive outlook IS important. I just think I need to explain that we can't keep pressuring ourselves to always be upbeat, especially if that's not the way we feel at that specific moment.
Living with cancer (as a patient or a caregiver), you still have good days and bad... Just like everyone else. Please don't panic if you read about a few thorns on the rosebush. ;)
We Know Better
1 week ago
9 comments:
You can cry on my shoulder any time you want - I'll cry right along with you!!! Our love and prayers are constantly with all of you.
Honesty IS the best policy and shows that whether you're a caregiver or patient you are in touch with reality. The worst words I ever heard was when my father said "I'm read to die." I could have killed him for saying that! :) It killed me to hear it as I thought he was giving up the fight. It just sent me back to the the computer looking for a cure or, at least, a trial or something that would keep my dad with me. I was his only caregiver and I would have kept that job forever if I had my way. But, God had other plans. Jackie, everything you write I know, I've been there, twice with each parent. I know the roller coaster ride and I remember thinking, when it just got too much, how much I wanted to run away. I didn't, but stayed the course looking for miracles and attempting to instill a positive attitude in my mom and dad. I think it drove them crazy! It's a fine line caregivers walk between being positive and being truthful (and, thus, facing reality.) The reality is, where there is life there is hope! So, enjoy each day of life and God will take care of everything else in His own way and time. Love you! Nancy
Wow, Nancy said it all! I felt the same way with my mom...wanting to be the one to "hold it together" but knowing that is was all in His time. I love that you are honest with yourself and as prepared for the thorns as you are for the roses! Each day is a blessing for all of us!
luv ya
XOXOXO FRANK AUDREY AND ETHAN
Jackie,
This is a place for you to say what you have to say. Don't worry about us. I know that is just part of who you are, but seriously, we are the least of your concerns.
Make this a place that allows you a cathartic experience, one where you can vent. Then you can go back to Bill fresh and ready to embrace your life with him.
Most of us can do little more than pray for you...
If we can be the ears, (eyes), that absorb all your 'stuff', we would all be more than happy to give you that.
If that gives you a clear mind that allows you every possible second you spend with Bill, clarity and quality of life, then so be it.
I've known Bill only a few years, and it pains me to see him go through this.
I've known you all my life, and it pains me just as much to see you go through this.
I love you,
Todd
Todd is absolutely right! This is your safe space. We know you need this place and we are glad to join you in it! Don't worry about us! :) Nancy
The funny thing is I think we all know when you are trying to be Super Woman and put on a positive face for us. It's almost like you try to protect us from the pain and we try to protect you in return. Tell us what you need to and don't worry about keeping a brave face. We are all here for you..No matter what!!!! Love you, Tamie
Hello. My name is Lisa (Osuna) Strnad, and I went to HS at Amat with Bill. YOur blog was passed on to a few of us through another classmate.
I wanted to write to you to just Put into words how I empathize with your situation. I was my husband's caretaker for three years while he was in end stage renal failure. It was not cancer, and his survial came when a cousin stepped forward and donated a kidney to him. But we went through the chemo (he had an auo-immune disease that caused the kideny failure), and we went through copious amounts of steroids that changed his outward appearance to the point the kids were freaked out a bit. I understand the whole, "lets put a positive spin on things" mentality. I boy, do I understand that thought procss where you don't want to induce a set-back by saying something negative. It isn't as intellectual as it is emotional, but it is a real thought! I get it.
I found great comfort in reconnecting to God during this time. After the anger subsided Iwas ready to look for comfort in the arms of the only one who could truly comfort me. (We almost lost Dave three times in two years).
God is there for you, too. In a deeper, more personal way than anyone can try to explain. Certainly more astutely than I am able to. But He is there.
I will add Bill and YOU to my daily prayers. I will pray for complete healing...for daily miracles that can only be explained by God's work. I will pray for your strength and for your courage in the face of these giant fears.
Also, if you ever want to talk...I am here to listen. I you want to vent, I can be a good sounding board.
We are sisters in this life-struggle.
With much love and blessing,
Lisa
you should not feel the need to protect us all, this space is your outlet for your feelings, fears, etc. Although we cannot all truly understand what you are going through, we all want to just be there to help in any way possible, even if it is only allowing you to let go of the bad!
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