Lately I find I am drawn to post more than the norm. I am sure there are many reasons, but mainly, it still serves as my therapy and if I can get my thoughts down, then I feel a weight lifted.
I sometimes get angry at Bill. Well, not really at him, but at the fact that he died. It's an empty feeling of anger that is not fueled by something he did intentionally to me. I find I get angry when I have to do things that I am not supposed to have to do at this stage of my life. I am supposed to married with a few kids. I am supposed to be worrying about paying for college and how to make ends meet when the air conditioning breaks. Although I am not really worried about these things, (knock on wood... please let my A/C make it through summer) I am worried about things I never could anticipate taking over my thoughts at thirty-four years old. In a way, I blame Bill for "forcing" me to have to think about all these things. Now, I know it's not his fault, and he certainly didn't choose this route either, but there are times I need someone to blame, and for once in our marriage he really can't tell me I'm wrong... or irrational... or being crazy... AND he can't tell me to stop talking and just sit there and look pretty... but I'd give anything if he could.
We Know Better
5 days ago
6 comments:
Jackie, I sure wish I did not know what you are saying but not a day goes by that I don't think how Eric would just take care of this or that......this just really sucks...thanks for sharing
Hallie
Jackie,
I don't think you can make it through the grief process successfully without a little anger.
You have to feel it to be able to purge it.
I know things aren't fair, I think it is OK to be mad about it sometimes.
Irene
Seriously feeling a similar thing, yet I am not mad at Brian, per se, but at cancer, I guess?? Went to dinner last night with couples, and I wasn't one! Why now? Why not in 50 years? after we've lived a life that we are supposed to??? Feeling it too, big time! 6 months hit and guess what, he didn't come back! Still attempting to put one foot in front of the other. Sucks! I feel your pain!
You are most definitely entitled to any emotion you have after what you have been through. I obviously cannot possibly sympathize or even understand your situation, but don't ever feel guilty for "feeling." I am so amazed at the strength you have already demonstrated throughout this. Get it all out...anger, sadness, grief, whatever. Don't be ashamed to express them all.
I remember when we were young and crazy...we would drive thru the Del Taco at 2 AM and ask for quesadillas, french fries and bean burritos with extra cheese. We wanted everything with extra cheese!!!!!! I remember laughing hysterically because we even said, "Extra cheese" when we were asked about our soda.
I wish you some "extra, extra cheese" right now! I know it's silly, but I do...everyday, I wish you extra shredded cheddar cheese! You deserve it...
I scrolled down through your blog and found this post.
My wife suffered with breast cancer, 3 years back. The doctor told us that they would be throwing the kitchen sink at her, and they did. Mastectomy, both breast, chemo, radiation, reconstruction. I could say I had a subdued anger, never at her, but for some reason I felt resentful whenever we had to go the the "cancer doctors." I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to identify with that "group of people." I didn't like seeing all the cancer fliers and cancer "helpful" information sitting around. I don't really know who I felt resentful towards. Just the whole cancer deal, I guess. Fortunately for us, Jackie, our situation has apparently turned out well. The aggressive treatments seem to have done their job.
I write all that to say that while I can't fully appreciate the feelings you are having, I think that I can understand them. I agree with the other comments that say it is normal and you shouldn't ever feel guilty about feeling the way you do.
I didn't have a blog back then. I got some of my feeling expressed in the form of cartoons, which I ended up posting on the blog.
I also feel better seeing that you're winning this month in the vote count. :-)
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