We got through Christmas and Bill's birthday with little, to no, scars. We also took a trip up to the central coast to see family from both of our sides. It was a great time, and Tyler LOVED playing with his cousins. It's now New Year's Eve and as 2010 approaches I can't help but admit that I am happy to bid farewell to 2009. It was rough year, for many, and I desperately need a fresh start.
I got a few different e-mails over the past few days asking/reminding me that last last year I did a list of idiosyncrasies in lieu of a New Year's resolution. Really, it was a list of weird things that I have/do/think. I started thinking about it, and how hard could it be to come with another list? Goodness knows I have plenty of material. ALL things on last year's list still hold true... very true.
To see last years, click here.
I need to add the same disclaimer that I am NOT committed enough to do anything about them.
I can (still) eat cereal for every meal... Supposebly is NOT a word... I hate working out... I have a group of online girlfriends that I absolutely LOVE... I easily sleep with the TV on... I love new car smell... I am a horrible dieter... I am now a self-diagnosed hypochondriac... I don't understand why they even make Oreos that are not double-stuffed... I am addicted to House Hunters... You could put Ranch dressing on dirt and I'd probably eat it... I can draw an awesome elephant, but my skills end there... I am not a Rachael Ray fan... I hate it when people say "expresso" when there is NO X in espresso... I have a serious magazine habit... It is not Valentime's Day... I couldn't live without my iPhone... I hate Chutes and Ladders... Malls make me happy... I want to go back to law school, but don't think I want to be a lawyer... I am an over-analyzer... I had doubts that I would survive 2009... I DID survive 2009...
I have so many things for which to be thankful this year. In the midst of holiday bustle, things can often get blurry and lost. Although we have many blessings, it would be an understatement to say this was a tough year. I'd also be lying to say I wasn't ready to begin a new one.
I would like to say a thank you to our friends and family...
I cannot begin to tell you how indebted I still am for all of your heartfelt warm wishes, e-mails, phone calls, messages, cards... the list goes on and on. I appreciate the fact that during the holidays many of you have extended invitations and kept us busy and a part of the Christmas bustle... especially since it would have been easy for me to hibernate this year. Thank you to those who have chosen to walk this path with me without an ounce of hesitation. I don't know what I would do without close friends who keep track of me and make sure I am a member of the real world (and not curled up in the fetal position). Your incredible kindness never goes unnoticed, and I will truly be forever grateful.
Once a widow, always a widow?? Is it like being an alcoholic? Once you are identified as one, the label sticks whether you are actively drinking or not. Or maybe a better example would be the president. Once you lead this country you are always addressed as "Mr. President" or "President So-and-So", for example. So if a widow ever remarries, is that person still considered a widow? I'm not sure of the answer to this, but I can't imagine that a permanent hole so deep could ever be fully mended. That's not to say that I don't believe a widow could remarry and fully love her new husband, but I can't imagine that person would ever actually stop loving the first, or original spouse. How does a remarried widow refer to her first husband? You can't say "ex-husband" because that is clearly not the case, but you don't necessarily want to start numbering husbands either. Oh to be a fly on the wall in my little head...
Maybe it's similar to having more than one child... you love the first one with your entire heart and soul, then the second, third, fourth, one comes along and the love (I am told) remains as strong. (At least that's what my mom always told my older brother and me.) There should be enough love to go around, I suppose, but these questions flood my mind and when I checked the widow rulebook, I couldn't find the answers.
I'm going to have faith in the fact that these questions will someday be answered, I don't need any answers right now, and the answers may be different for everyone who has lost a spouse. Widowhood is definitely not one size fits all...
I attended a beautiful Christmas women's event tonight with incredible music (including an amazing singer/friend) and an inspirational speaker. One of our tasks was to say what person (dead or alive) with whom we would like to spend 15 minutes. My answer was easy... Bill.
My head instantly knew that he was my answer, however, as the evening ensued I decided I wanted a redo. I changed my mind. My head's answer forgot to sync with my heart's answer. As I sat and listened to the night's speaker, many thoughts tumbled through my head. The main one was that I was wrong, I would not want an additional 15 minutes with him. That's not enough. I recently read another widow's blog post about getting one more day and it got me thinking. I have come so far in the grieving process that 15 additional minutes with him would surely send me back to square one in my grief. A place I don't particularly care to revisit.
Also, would those 15 minutes mean that he would suffer for additional time? If that is the case, then I could never ask that of him. Why in the world would I want him to endure MORE pain, even if it was just 15 minutes? Although it is very tempting, I could never be that selfish. Is it possible that I love him so much that I wouldn't (couldn't) want another 15 minutes with him?
So, to those of you with whom I spent the evening tonight, I want a do-over. I changed my mind... the next person on my mental list is Abraham Lincoln. Yes, I pick Abe.
