Once a widow, always a widow?? Is it like being an alcoholic? Once you are identified as one, the label sticks whether you are actively drinking or not. Or maybe a better example would be the president. Once you lead this country you are always addressed as "Mr. President" or "President So-and-So", for example. So if a widow ever remarries, is that person still considered a widow? I'm not sure of the answer to this, but I can't imagine that a permanent hole so deep could ever be fully mended. That's not to say that I don't believe a widow could remarry and fully love her new husband, but I can't imagine that person would ever actually stop loving the first, or original spouse. How does a remarried widow refer to her first husband? You can't say "ex-husband" because that is clearly not the case, but you don't necessarily want to start numbering husbands either. Oh to be a fly on the wall in my little head...
Maybe it's similar to having more than one child... you love the first one with your entire heart and soul, then the second, third, fourth, one comes along and the love (I am told) remains as strong. (At least that's what my mom always told my older brother and me.) There should be enough love to go around, I suppose, but these questions flood my mind and when I checked the widow rulebook, I couldn't find the answers.
I'm going to have faith in the fact that these questions will someday be answered, I don't need any answers right now, and the answers may be different for everyone who has lost a spouse. Widowhood is definitely not one size fits all...
We Know Better
1 week ago
8 comments:
Jackie:
I began following your blog a few weeks ago when you left comments on the blog for Eric Botkin (my husband was Eric's first Captain). Truthfully, I went to the beginning of your blog and read to the present. You are an amazing woman - with a strength I'm sure you didn't know you possessed. I am not walking in your shoes, but I have to share with you that you're truly an inspiring woman. A colleague of mine (I, too, work for a school district) lost her husband suddenly of a heart attack in August and many of your insights have helped me understand to say, what not to say. It pains me to see such wonderful people as you and the Botkin's go through such a tragedy but I know that if I find comfort in your words (and I'm not in anything CLOSE to what you are living with) there are so many other woman who you are helping through what can only be described as one of the most challenging times of your life.
Thank you for sharing your insight and wisdom.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth Miller
nsx2sea2@yahoo.com
Hi Jackie,
I like late husband because it explains everything in a word. And then I have my live husband who atually coined the phrase.
I actually did not want to give up my widow status after remarrying because it is such a big part of my life and makes me who I am. I still have trouble with which box to check at the doctors office and school forms and such.
We could coin the term recovering widow.......
It is true that you can love a second (or live)husband with your whole heart but my love for my late remains just as strong.
Take good care of yourself during this season.
Irene
Good timing! I was just thinking of this topic this week. I would not want to say "my first husband" or "my ex." I like what Irene said about "my late husband." Hmmmm... just pondering... And, yes, just recently I checked the "widowed" box on a form.
Hope you and your little guy have a nice Christmas!
Jenn (Rebecca's friend)
Jackie,
I finally have a minute to write something and I don't even know what to say. I have read your blog and find it amazing as do many of the people I talk with about your experience. I find it hard to believe that I am walking down the same path as you...I continue to feel that I am in some sort of dream, how could be happening to me and my family. Eric and I have been together for over 24 years and I have never been by myself since. Eric made all the decisions and is the rock of our family. I have so many questions about my future and Hunters...It is hard for your mind not to go there even though I don't have to go there yet. I thank you again for all your advice and look forward to meeting you some day.
Hallie
J,
Amazing how these blogs bring people/maybe even future friends together!!!! You are such an amazing support for others...we are all lucky to be a "fly on the wall" in your brain, or to at least have a peak!
luv ya,
D
Jackie, I checked my first "widow" box the other day. I can't say I like the term but I suppose I will get used to it. :-). I think the "late husband" is the ticket. Funny that did not even cross my mind.
I returned to school a few weeks ago and the children are glad to see me and tend to ask me some very honest questions. Got to love them.
I send my love over this holiday.
From one widow to another.
Annie
Hi Mrs.Bartak, Have a Merry Christmas. Love, Ethan Galindo
I've been contemplating the term "late husband" for a couple days now. Webster described "late" as recently died. I've spent way too much time thinking about this one and have decided that I like referring to him as "my deceased husband, Dave" since I haven't remarried and he didn't recently die. Boy Jac, I think your "over-thinking disease" has rubbed off on me. I love you anyway! 8-)
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