Is it possible that I can love my life again?
Is it possible for us to move on and continue forward?
Is it possible that we are living in a (somewhat) normal existence?
Is it possible that I feel guilty sometimes when I am happy?
Is it possible that I don't want to seek counseling, but just need good friends with which to talk and cry?
Is it possible that I might love again?
Is it possible to think that I might have a second chance someday?
Is it possible to accept that I will never know "why"?
I am starting to think that maybe all things are possible...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Tyler
Mom... I just saw Dad outside your window and he waved to me... so I waved back. I thought you said we wouldn't get to see him again.
The things that come out of Tyler's mouth are amazing. I wonder if spirits often visit children (more than adults) because they don't doubt themselves or try to ignore what they have seen. I honestly didn't question him much, because I desperately want it to be true, and I want Tyler to "see" him every chance he gets.
I have started journaling all of the things Tyler says. Some are funny, some are touching, and some are sad... some are a combination of all three. Some seem sad, but I usually interperet as being thoughtful (and comical).
A few examples...
I miss Daddy...
Can a tall T-Rex eat Dad in heaven?
Where does Dad live when there aren't any clouds?
When do we get a new dad, and how long does it take?
The bee is dead?? Like our dad??
The things that come out of Tyler's mouth are amazing. I wonder if spirits often visit children (more than adults) because they don't doubt themselves or try to ignore what they have seen. I honestly didn't question him much, because I desperately want it to be true, and I want Tyler to "see" him every chance he gets.
I have started journaling all of the things Tyler says. Some are funny, some are touching, and some are sad... some are a combination of all three. Some seem sad, but I usually interperet as being thoughtful (and comical).
A few examples...
I miss Daddy...
Can a tall T-Rex eat Dad in heaven?
Where does Dad live when there aren't any clouds?
When do we get a new dad, and how long does it take?
The bee is dead?? Like our dad??
Monday, August 17, 2009
A Quick Update... Stay Tuned
I know it has been awhile, but trust me, a blog post has been brewing in my head for a few days now. Sadly, I have even edited this particular post and it hasn't even been written yet. I am just not ready to post about it, but I promise it is coming.
I have definitely survived the "funk"... until the next one. I find that if I keep our schedule relatively busy and don't allow us to sit home day in and day out, I can keep things together a little better. I know some of you are thinking/saying, "It's OK to NOT hold it together and take time to be upset and cry..." Honestly, it's easier said than done. When I have a three-year-old on my heels at all times it is not OK for me to want to curl up in the fetal position and spend the day crying. I am also very sensitive to crying in front of Tyler. I never want him to feel that he can't bring up Daddy because Mommy always ends up in tears each time his death is mentioned. I WANT him to talk about Bill (and we do everyday), so a daily break-down just isn't healthy for this part of our healing.
I promise a more detailed post is coming soon, and I will further explain some details. We are back on track, and the fog has lifted.
I have definitely survived the "funk"... until the next one. I find that if I keep our schedule relatively busy and don't allow us to sit home day in and day out, I can keep things together a little better. I know some of you are thinking/saying, "It's OK to NOT hold it together and take time to be upset and cry..." Honestly, it's easier said than done. When I have a three-year-old on my heels at all times it is not OK for me to want to curl up in the fetal position and spend the day crying. I am also very sensitive to crying in front of Tyler. I never want him to feel that he can't bring up Daddy because Mommy always ends up in tears each time his death is mentioned. I WANT him to talk about Bill (and we do everyday), so a daily break-down just isn't healthy for this part of our healing.
I promise a more detailed post is coming soon, and I will further explain some details. We are back on track, and the fog has lifted.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Tough Times
I have hit a rough patch. Four days worth, to be exact. I know it's par for the course, but when you are knee deep it is hard to see that the fog will lift. I think our anniversary was the driving force. I feel immensely better today, so I have faith that these times will come and go.
The two month mark is quickly approaching, and I am sure that I have cried more the past few days than I have since Bill died. Like I said, today was drastically better, and I am choosing to be happy and live life to the fullest. (And yes, Tyler is fine and was not privy to my funk.)
Most people know, although I have not mentioned it on the blog, but I am changing schools next year. Many reasons were involved in this change. I asked (begged) to make a switch, knowing that this summer would be challenging, and I was desperate for a fresh start. I know it seems like a lot of change all at once, but I have not one doubt that it is exactly what I need right now. I have spent a few days over the weeks in my new room unpacking and getting ready for the new school year. I never thought I would say it, but I might be *somewhat* ready to go back to work. I love my time off, but I also thrive on structure and schedule... Work is what got me through the past year, I know I am definitely ready for the relief that a full classroom will bring.
I summary... we are still OK...
The two month mark is quickly approaching, and I am sure that I have cried more the past few days than I have since Bill died. Like I said, today was drastically better, and I am choosing to be happy and live life to the fullest. (And yes, Tyler is fine and was not privy to my funk.)
Most people know, although I have not mentioned it on the blog, but I am changing schools next year. Many reasons were involved in this change. I asked (begged) to make a switch, knowing that this summer would be challenging, and I was desperate for a fresh start. I know it seems like a lot of change all at once, but I have not one doubt that it is exactly what I need right now. I have spent a few days over the weeks in my new room unpacking and getting ready for the new school year. I never thought I would say it, but I might be *somewhat* ready to go back to work. I love my time off, but I also thrive on structure and schedule... Work is what got me through the past year, I know I am definitely ready for the relief that a full classroom will bring.
I summary... we are still OK...
Friday, August 7, 2009
Happy Anniversary, Bill!
Today would have been our fifth anniversary. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Aside from the day Tyler was born, it was the very best day of my life. I would not change one detail about our wedding.
On our third date Bill asked me what I was doing for the next 50 years. His intention (and mine) was that we would spend them together. I am still stunned that I am now on my life's journey without him. In fact, I believe my shock is thinning, and reality is setting in. I still think I am doing well in the whole grieving process... as inconsistent as it is, however. Although I can discuss Bill and cancer and our situation without tears, I find other life happenings send me into a crying spell. The past three days have been hard, and the old saying that time heals all wounds is not proving to be true lately. I know it will get better and the hurt will lessen, but I miss him terribly. At times, I feel selfish in my grief because I want him back for me, to be here with me, to comfort me... I desperately long for things to be the way the were before cancer hit our family. Trust me, I realize that is not possible, and it really doesn't help to expend my energy wishing for the impossible, but on a day like today, it can't be helped.
Tyler's preschool teacher's last day was today. I cried all day yesterday, and just thinking about it makes me well up... granted I would have easily shed tears under "normal" circumstances, but perhaps I was slightly over the top. She has been a godsend to us this year. To have her as his first teacher in a long line of educators is absolutely priceless. He LOVES school because of Mrs. N. More importantly, she loves him. As a parent, that is my number one wish, and it was fulfilled this year more than I could ever imagine. Tyler is one lucky boy!
On our third date Bill asked me what I was doing for the next 50 years. His intention (and mine) was that we would spend them together. I am still stunned that I am now on my life's journey without him. In fact, I believe my shock is thinning, and reality is setting in. I still think I am doing well in the whole grieving process... as inconsistent as it is, however. Although I can discuss Bill and cancer and our situation without tears, I find other life happenings send me into a crying spell. The past three days have been hard, and the old saying that time heals all wounds is not proving to be true lately. I know it will get better and the hurt will lessen, but I miss him terribly. At times, I feel selfish in my grief because I want him back for me, to be here with me, to comfort me... I desperately long for things to be the way the were before cancer hit our family. Trust me, I realize that is not possible, and it really doesn't help to expend my energy wishing for the impossible, but on a day like today, it can't be helped.
Tyler's preschool teacher's last day was today. I cried all day yesterday, and just thinking about it makes me well up... granted I would have easily shed tears under "normal" circumstances, but perhaps I was slightly over the top. She has been a godsend to us this year. To have her as his first teacher in a long line of educators is absolutely priceless. He LOVES school because of Mrs. N. More importantly, she loves him. As a parent, that is my number one wish, and it was fulfilled this year more than I could ever imagine. Tyler is one lucky boy!
Monday, August 3, 2009
I know how it feels...
I follow a good number of blogs. Some are "mom" blogs, melanoma blogs, widow blogs, melanoma widow blogs, cancer patient blogs... I am sure there are a few other types that I am forgetting.
One in particular has taken over my evenings. I have been following it for a little over three months now, and its purpose is to give updates on a 2-year-old who is waiting for a liver transplant due to a very rare form of liver cancer. I do not know the family, but feel oddly connected to them through their words. They also have a 4-year-old and are expecting a third son next month. The stress they are going through is astronomical, yet they always remain strong.
The parents of this toddler update the blog every night! I look forward to it, depend on it, and struggle going to bed without reading the daily post. I also think about this family numerous times per day, hoping it is a good one for them.
I was always aware when I skipped a day or two reporting on Bill, and people would share that they checked our blog each day, some of you numerous times. :) It made me smile knowing that people thought about us regularly. I would chuckle when I'd get friendly e-mails reminding me to post. It's amazing how this little boy has impacted my life. I hope Bill knows that his stint with cancer was a learning experience that branched out far beyond we could ever imagine. I get it now, and I apologize to those who wore out their "refresh" button... ;)
One in particular has taken over my evenings. I have been following it for a little over three months now, and its purpose is to give updates on a 2-year-old who is waiting for a liver transplant due to a very rare form of liver cancer. I do not know the family, but feel oddly connected to them through their words. They also have a 4-year-old and are expecting a third son next month. The stress they are going through is astronomical, yet they always remain strong.
The parents of this toddler update the blog every night! I look forward to it, depend on it, and struggle going to bed without reading the daily post. I also think about this family numerous times per day, hoping it is a good one for them.
I was always aware when I skipped a day or two reporting on Bill, and people would share that they checked our blog each day, some of you numerous times. :) It made me smile knowing that people thought about us regularly. I would chuckle when I'd get friendly e-mails reminding me to post. It's amazing how this little boy has impacted my life. I hope Bill knows that his stint with cancer was a learning experience that branched out far beyond we could ever imagine. I get it now, and I apologize to those who wore out their "refresh" button... ;)
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