As I sit here and contemplate my post, I am arguing with my brain about how much I should write or not write. It has been a tough few days for us... all of us. Although Bill doesn't read the blog very often (if ever) I feel I can expand on some of my emotions, but at the same time, I would never want him to be uncomfortable or feel his trust has been tampered. One of the many fine lines I walk each day.
The draining today went well and although I thought otherwise... they were able to take 7 liters! (Last time it was only 6... only?) Unfortunately, he still feels pretty crummy, so it's a disguised blessing. I am worried... Probably not a surprise to most people. Let me just emphasize, that I am more worried than ever before. Why, you ask? Because I can tell Bill is worried. He is sad, reserved, and glum... as am I. He told me yesterday that he felt like he was dying. My heart hurts every time I replay his words in my head. Tears well up... the whole nine yards. I have had a few breakdowns the past 24 hours, and don't see an end to them anytime soon. I was doing so well for so long, but I guess it was bound to catch up with me. I am happy to report that I am, in fact, human. (Bill was having his doubts.) My eyes hurt, my nose is red, and I feel (and look) like I have been hit by a truck.
I don't know what it is about the magical power of mothers, but I walked in the door convinced I had it together and was done crying for the day. I sat down, asked my mom an unrelated question, and I never heard the answer. My voice went into a squeaky falsetto of some incoherent words, followed by streaming tears, and what is known as, "the ugly cry". No matter the age, you never outgrow the safe feeling of a mother's love. I know how badly it pains my mom to see me so upset; she sits and cries with me... and then I think about Bill's mom and I cry some more.
I know I am a serious downer tonight... but please rest assured that tomorrow is a new day and this is one wild roller coaster. Things change rapidly and moods change by the hour. We will get through this...
LoveLoveMissMiss
6 days ago
5 comments:
May God be with you Bill and Tyler at all times
All My Love and Prayers
Jackie,
Just know that you are all loved and are covered in prayer tonight. We love you all so much it hurts. I hope you sleep tonight knowing that all of us out here are wrapping our arms around you.
Leslie
i wish there was more we could all do for you.....our prayers are non-stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we love you all audrey
Just got back into town after being gone a week and caught up with your blog. I know the roller coaster. I rode on it twice with each of my parents. I was the sole caregiver for each of them during their battle with cancer, as they were divorced. I will do anything for you...shopping, holding your hand, being the shoulder, doing laundry....whatever I can do to help you and your family....please ask. You remain at the top of my list in my nightly prayers. Love, Nancy
Jackie,
Nancy Leonard is my next door neighbor and dear friend. She emailed me about your situation. She thinks the world of you. I'm so sorry your husband and you are having to go through this. You're not alone, though. My husband, Dick, and I join those who love you to send comforting, healing thoughts your way.
Claudia Hardwick
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