The Paradox

Before I get into the nitty gritty, Bill has a basic check-up appointment at the City of Hope on Monday and then on Tuesday he is set to get his stomach drained. His abdomen is such a protrusion that he just looks uncomfortable. His size 34 jeans absolutely hang on him (making him a 32) which is really small for him. The weight loss is unfortunately mounting, and I believe he is hovering around 50 pounds total. He told me yesterday that he knows he has lost more weight... not great news, and I'm sure after the draining it may seem like more. I hope and pray he will at least be more comfortable, which may make him more mobile. This week is his break from the harsh drug, and his energy and color have both drastically improved. Which leads me to "the story"...

Background: Since the diagnosis, I have learned to bite my tongue and keep my comments to myself. (Shocking, I know.) I have definitely walked on eggshells since D-Day. (Translation: I have refrained from many of my naturally sarcastic, sometimes passive-aggressive, under my breath, comebacks/comments.)

The Male/Female Paradox
Friday and Saturday Bill got out of the house with us to meet his parents and ate on both occasions. Sunday, I asked if he wanted to go to breakfast or get a bagel and was, not so graciously, denied. Rarely do we venture out of the house when it is just the 3 of us. It takes meeting someone, an obligation, or the cleaning lady coming for him to leave the house. Well, let's just say that I didn't hold back my frustration regarding the pattern I was noticing. Tyler and I, alone, were not worth the effort or obligation. Now, I know deep down inside that is far from the truth, but after all, I am female and had the whole thing rationalized. Needless to say, that started a long conversation...

Fast forward to Monday... Bill gave us all of his energy when he JOINED US going to the grocery store! That doesn't sound too exciting or difficult, but trust me, it was a huge sign of affection. When I got home on Tuesday, he had just gotten out of the shower and asked if we (Tyler and I) wanted to drop off his paperwork at his oncologist in Irvine and then head to Maggiano's for dinner. I almost fell on the floor! Just him showering usually expends all of his energy. We had a blast and were able to use one of our much appreciated gift cards... which made it even better! He ended up not eating his pasta and was freezing cold the entire time we were there, but he bravely stuck it out. Yesterday, he was awake the majority of the day and made phone calls to insurance companies, doctors, etc. Today he slept until 3:00, but was awake and downstairs all evening with us. It has been a drastic change of events in our household. It's so nice having him around more. I pray he is able to maintain some of this stamina when he goes back to taking the harsh medication. His words, "I have to get out of this funk." I could not have said it better myself... I guess it took my female rationale to get it through to him that he is not living... Haven't we learned that life is far too short??