The Bartak's Blog

A Holiday Outlook

2010-12-27T17:32:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe we are nearing the end of another holiday season. As a child, you ache for Christmas and all that it entails. As you get older, it's less magical and more practical... you tend to ask for things you need. There is a plateau period as an adult (before having children) when the holidays merely exist. They don't hold the same magical value when you are a childless, unmarried adult and ask your parents for a new vacuum or a coffee pot, both major necessities. Although the value is depleted, often a glimpse of magic is seen through a niece or a nephew, slightly rekindling the spirit that accompanies the holiday season.

Having a child changes everything. Seeing the magic through a little one's eyes is truly priceless. Creating memories and traditions to orchestrate this special time is one parental job I would not trade for anything. I wish I could bottle the excitement or simply push a button to have it last forever. The holidays become a different kind of "special" when a child's excitement is involved.

We had a wonderful Christmas this year. As Tyler gets older, his enthusiasm for Christmas is contagious. He learned all the classic carols and relished in looking at Christmas lights. He wrote letters to Santa, decorated his own tree, and bought toys (albeit slightly unwillingly) for those underprivileged.

We also spent the holidays with someone else. Someone unique and special who has given me a new outlook on life and love. I am truly happy. We are truly happy together. All three of us.

Mark Sanchez Syndrome

2010-11-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

The Blogging World... It's a vast community that until I became an actual blogger, I had no idea existed. There are awards, groups, gurus, and different levels of blog "celebrity." I have had amazing experiences that have stemmed from writing the blog. I have made new friends, connected with old ones, won a few awards, received a job offer, and saved thousands of dollars on therapy. When I started this blog I had no idea it would turn into something that I would come to depend on so greatly. I was also clueless to the fact that people would actually want to read what I considered to be my therapeutic outlet.

Lately I feel like a fair-weathered Jets fan... (Explanation: I am only a Jets fan because of Mark Sanchez.) I really only blog when something is wrong or I am mentally struggling with a situation. When things are going well, I find I don't have much to write. As in the case right now... things are going well, really well, and that means I sit at the computer and struggle to come up with a post. Amazing that I can write two paragraphs on not having anything to write... go figure.

New School Year

2010-10-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in over a month and don't really have any legitimate excuse.

School started. Which in our world begins a new year (not New Year's Day). I am sharing a contract this year, which means I only work Monday through Wednesday. It is the BEST schedule, and I can honestly say that I love every minute of it. It's truly the best of both worlds. The paycheck is the only part where an adjustment is necessary...

"What do you DO on your days off?" is a common question.

I definitely manage to keep myself busy running Tyler to and from school, while volunteering in his class, along with the mundane errands, the time seems to slip by rather quickly. I am hoping to go back to school to get my doctorate, but probably not until next year. I am also dabbling in the idea of getting my secondary credential which would enable me to teach junior high or high school. Sometimes it's not about what I do (or don't do) with the days off, but it's about the guilt that I do NOT feel when I need to do something for myself. That in itself is worth its weight in gold.

Tyler is playing soccer and loving it! I am still pulling for baseball... or golf... since I'm in search of a high payout which would support my early retirement dreams. ;) Soccer just won't cut it. David Beckham, he is not.

9/11/01

2010-09-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

September 11th is definitely a day that will stick in our minds forever. Saying, "We will never forget," seems a little cliche, yet still very accurate.

I look at this day through different glasses now. The widowhood initiation for them was sudden and tragic nine years ago. I often wonder if they ever want to STOP sharing the death anniversary of their loved one with the entire country. I know for me, that day was not one to celebrate, commemorate, or exalt. It was a day that I wanted to spend by myself... within my own thoughts. I didn't need or want other people sharing this day with me. I want to celebrate his life, not his death. I can't help but wonder if the 9/11 widows ever feel this way.

Make no mistake, I don't feel we should ever forget the death of our loved ones, just be free to handle the death anniversary in a not so public manner.

Maybe after I have nine years under my "widow belt" I will feel differently, but this year, in this moment, I feel for the widows that never get to acknowledge their spouse's death without the whole country watching.

The McHogansteins

2010-08-27T00:19:00.000-07:00

At Camp Widow I had the chance to meet some online friends who are now real-life friends. They have proven that life exists after widowhood. Blending their families totaling five kids, they have found a happiness that is apparent to the naked eye. Mike and Irene have what I want... an understanding love. Understanding in so many ways.

First, I have to mention my strong adoration for Irene. She helped me before, during, and after Bill's death. She answered questions for me that I couldn't ask anyone else on this planet. She just recently published her story and her book will be coming soon to a bookstore near you. I will have a dedicated post about Irene and her amazing book (that I was fortunate enough to read) very soon...

This post is about Mike.

He clearly loves Irene with his whole being. He is confident and doesn't cringe at Irene's blog titled My Sainted Dead Husband, like some men would. In fact, he is well aware that Bob (the saint) is a part of their family. He respects that the life Irene and Bob shared still exists. As the live husband, Mike is not jealous of the sainted dead one. I would like to think that Mike is not anomaly and one (or two, or three...) more Mike(s) are out there willing to pursue life with a widow.

I can only imagine that there always feels like another person in their marriage... albeit a very quiet person, but a trio nonetheless. A widow's situation is not chosen. We don't have an ex worthy of complaint. In fact, quite the contrary, we have a spouse that we still love and want. Seeing that it's possible to have that level of love gave us all hope that it still exists. It's not easy, for that I am certain, but seeing Mike and Irene together was a gift.

I want to find my very own Mike.

Enter at your own risk.

2010-08-21T23:05:00.000-07:00

If you are sensitive or take offense easily, please skip this post. It is not for the faint of heart... These are funny, sad, happy quotes (by numerous people, not necessarily by me) from Camp Widow. Some are brutally honest and some are painfully sad. There may be some that don't make sense if you haven't lost a spouse. Some might make you cringe... IF you haven't lost a spouse. There are many, MANY more, but this gives an idea of why we (the attendees) loved our weekend.
*Fellow widows - feel free to add any I missed.*

Why wouldn't he date a widow??? It's not like I killed the guy."

You are my first choice for this life.

You can't say, 'Would you rather be with...' when it will never be an option.

Death ends a life... not a relationship.

I have graduated from MILF to WILF.

It takes courage to leave the idea you once had for your life... behind.

'Ma'am, just have your husband carry it when you get home.'
'Well, that might be awhile... I don't think he's coming back.'

A 13 inch tumor??? Your tumor trumps my tumor.

I'm a DD... Since he Dropped Dead.

Widow party crashers.

I'm sorry you dropped your cell phone, and you think it's the worst thing in the world. It could be worse... your husband could have cancer... and die.

Taking out the trash was NOT supposed to be my job!

Drunk Widows Playing Bingo

Death sucks.

Widows rock.

Widowhood sucks.

Goldilocks

2010-08-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

I can honestly say that I miss my Camp Widow friends each and every day. Being one of many instead of the only one is a feeling that words can not describe. The weekend played a monumental role in my grief process. Although we all began the weekend in very different places; I think we all left a bit further along in our individual steps of grieving.

I truly believe I have reached a new level. Not a "high," but definitely not rock bottom, either.

Am I moving on? I'm not sure that is actually possible... but I am moving forward. I'd like to think that my emotions are leveling out, and my "sadness" is no longer echoing in the deepest hole on Earth.

I feel a bit like Goldilocks. It's not too hot, and not too cold... but just right. I feel just right with accepting that grief is a process, and I can't accelerate the outcome. There really is no finish line in this race. I will never be "over it" and I now realize (to quote Bill) that, "it is what it is," and oddly enough... I'm OK with that.

Returning to The City of Hope

2010-08-11T11:44:00.000-07:00

Today we are headed back to The City of Hope to visit. Sounds odd, I am sure, but it happens to be the mid-way point for a fellow widow and me. Her husband was treated there, as well. She has two young boys who have also spent quite a bit of time at the facility. I think it will help our boys see that other kids have also lost a parent... they aren't the only ones. I figured that if it helped me to see I wasn't alone, then Tyler could benefit, too. Since we don't know many divorced couples, he thinks he is the only child on the planet who doesn't have a dad.

When I told Tyler we were going back to visit, he was confused. I reassured him that we weren't visiting doctors, but meeting other kids who also lost their dad. I could see his wheels turning, and his next question was, "Could we PLEASE go to the cafeteria? I miss it SO much." Go figure...

My (would be) 6th Anniversary

2010-08-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

Camp Widow was this weekend in San Diego. It was coincidentally also my wedding anniversary. I figured it would either be really good to spend it with other widows, or it would be REALLY bad... Luckily, I took the chance, because it turned out to be the best situation possible (in a really crappy one).

I had the most amazing time at the conference and never once thought, "Gosh it's really hard to be here." For once, I didn't feel like "THE Widow" in the room. I actually felt a little normal. No one whispered, "That's the one who lost her husband," when I walked into the room. No one did the tilted head nod when I spoke to them. It was the proverbial happy place for a group of sad people. Only we weren't sad... Not. One. Bit.

It was a powerful weekend, and I left a better widow. I finally met some online friends and gained a few new ones along the way. It was like an exclusive club meeting where the dues are outrageously high and the initiation is life-changing. Even though not one of the 150+ attendees chose to join, we have a common sisterhood that is instantaneous and will bond us forever. The best part of the weekend (besides things already mentioned) was the ability to joke about death and the dying process. I know it sounds morbid, but there are a few things that only a fellow widow(er) can understand about this whole situation.

I am mentally writing so many different blog posts derived from the weekend. I guess my bout of writer's block is gone. ;)

Stay tuned...

Memories

2010-07-05T20:38:00.000-07:00

It has finally happened...

I knew the questions were coming, and the first few broke my heart, but as with anything, you get used to it. Tyler consistently asks questions like, "Where did I do that when Dad was here?" and "What did I say when Dad was here?"

I never expected his memory to recall the little things, but deep down inside I was hoping that he would have a vague recollection of Bill before he was sick. I am afraid that isn't going to happen. Recently he saw a picture of Bill in his healthy state and didn't recognize him. I hate the fact that he won't remember the dad that Bill truly was.

No one ever said that life was fair.

Balloons

2010-06-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

Last year, Father's Day was a mere six days after Bill died. I so badly wanted to set up a ritual for Tyler to do each year on this holiday that was once shared with his dad. I struggled to find the perfect idea that would be permanently placed in his memory. I wanted it to be something visual that Tyler could possibly understand better than, "Dad lives in heaven now." Thankfully, I don't think he will ever remember my not-so-brilliant plan.

I decided to get a balloon that we would let go and send up to dad in heaven. It seemed like the perfect plan that we would recreate each year. We could gaze in wonder as the balloon drifted up into the blue sky. Memories would flood our minds as we reminisced about "Our Dad." Let's just say that it didn't really go as I had planned.

Me: We are getting this balloon to send to daddy... since he lives in heaven now.

Tyler: We are getting balloons???

Me: Well, just one. We are going to let it go in the backyard and dad will be able to get it. You can even watch it drift up to the sky.

Tyler: (silence)

At home...

Me: Let's tell dad that we love him before we send it.

Tyler: Can I water the flowers?

Me: No, we are telling dad how much we love and miss him.

Tyler: I don't want to... Can I hold the balloon?

Me: Sure. Do you want to say, "I love you," before you let it go?

Tyler: I am NOT letting the balloon go. NO WAY.

Me: You have to, it's for dad... it's not for you.

Tyler: It's MINE! Why can't I have it? I can't let it go. Dad doesn't want it.

Me: YES HE DOES! NOW LET IT GO!!

Tyler: (Crying) NO!!!!!!! (Crying)

Me: YES!!! GIVE IT TO ME! (Said as I took the balloon and forced him to let it go.)

Tyler continued to sob and jump after the balloon as it lifted to the sky. He cried, stomped, kicked, hit... you name it... he was slightly upset, to put it mildly. I realized at that moment that I wasn't going to be able to "create" the perfect moment. It would have to just transpire on its own.

I am one to stick to my guns regarding parenting and consistency. I believe in following-through and saying what you mean. This being said... I also believe that (in life) the big picture is vital and battles should be chosen wisely. Six days after Bill's death, the balloon war was NOT the battle I was willing to fight. So, we hopped back in the car, went to the store, and got Tyler a new balloon. Hopefully Bill got the first one, because I don't think we will be sending many more up.

Father's Day

2010-06-20T20:16:00.001-07:00

It's Father's Day, and although we had a wonderful day... it's just not one of my favorite holidays. It starts at the beginning of June when all you see in the stores is Father's Day reminders, dad gifts, and an abundance of tee-shirts that refer to some sort of, "My dad is the best," mantra. There was time when I mulled over the adorable boys' clothing pieces proclaiming the utmost pride for a father. Those days are gone for us, and I can't even fathom going near those shirts in the store. I hate to admit it, but I am relieved Father's Day is (almost) over.

Luckily, this day does not bother Tyler one bit. He still says Mother's Day is his favorite holiday... but I think he might be a little biased. ;) He just assumes that Father's Day is when we celebrate Papa (Bill's dad)... and he is absolutely correct. Today is Papa's day, and he has earned it. From the bottom of my heart ~ THANK YOU, Joe, for all you do and all you are for my little boy. Tyler is so very lucky... and so am I.

One Year

2010-06-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

Today marks one year. I can't believe it has been a full year... and I can't believe it's only been a year. The past few weeks have been rough. The anticipation and reliving the memories have not been easy on the emotions.

I'm unclear how I should feel today. Obviously the wound is reopened, but I am not sure if I should be back at square one with grief, or if I should be slightly happy to have survived the first year. Today I feel a little bit of both. I am proud of how we are doing, and I can't help but smile when I look at my four-year-old who is growing up faster than I would like. Bill would be proud of us, too.

While I don't feel today should be any type of "celebration," (and part of me wanted to curl up in the fetal position) I do feel that I need to honor him and do something in his memory. So, today I went to the dermatologist and had an all-over skin check. Every year I will have an emotional reminder to head to the doctor and get checked.

Melanoma does NOT discriminate... the color of your skin does NOT matter... protect yourself and your loved ones. Even if you think you "tan easily"... you are at risk. EVERYone is. It IS genetic! If anyone in your family has a history, you have a far greater chance of getting melanoma. PLEASE protect yourself!

Ugh.

2010-06-10T20:22:00.001-07:00

One year. On Tuesday. I'm dreading it. My heart hurts.

There... I said it.

Last year...

2010-06-06T21:55:00.001-07:00

Although we had a really nice weekend, I can't help but think, "Last year at this time, we were...." And I find myself reliving the last few weeks of Bill's life. I wish I could say that I enjoy the memories, but I do not. A year ago (this weekend) I was arranging for Hospice to come in and help us with the end-of-life procedures. When I mentally recap the events I honestly can't fathom how in the world I survived. Thankfully, adrenaline kicks in and you just do what is necessary while standing in the eye of the storm. If only I could figure out how to get my adrenaline to ignite as the one year anniversary approaches... I could use a little numbness for that too.

One Week Down

2010-06-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is a week post-surgery, and I get my stitches out! Even though it was arthroscopic, I am pretty bruised where he went in. I have been managing really well and have had relatively little pain. I am sore, and can tell when I have done too much, but all in all, it's not really that bad. I definitely feel like I have one speed... and that speed is S L O W. That has been the hardest adjustment. Timing things has been a challenge since everything takes twice as long.

I can take the sling off at home, which is a nice relief. I always wear it out... for two reasons... 1) I have a serious fear of someone bumping into me, and 2) I think it's the universal sign that says, "Don't even think about accidentally bumping into me."

Tyler is quite anxious for me to be better. I wondered how he would take all of this, since his foundational knowledge for doctors, hospitals, surgeries, and "sick" is abundant... to say the least. My hypothesis was correct in assuming he does NOT like me being injured or in pain. He also wants to be carried/held once and awhile, which doesn't help the issue. He has handled the whole thing VERY well... all things considered.

I am SO glad I did the surgery! (I was having some serious anxiety.) I can tell that my shoulder will once again be good as new. Even though it is tight and needs some strengthening, I feel reassured that it WILL stay in place.

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

Happy Memorial Day to everyone! Most think of this day and immediately think about a three-day-weekend (or four, for some)... myself included. I am a firm believer that regardless of political party we should ALL support the brave men and women who have literally given their lives to fight for our country.

That being said, today I have been thinking about the widows that are a result of these men giving their lives for our freedom. In the past (pre-cancer) I would hear of a young mother losing her military husband, and it was always a sad story. I would even mentally converse that marrying someone in that line of work would make you pray every second for his safe return. Hearing of your soldier's death would be something that was always in the back of your head, but something you would want to avoid with every being of your body. It would be a constant thought until they were back in your arms, safe and sound.

While I think I my thoughts are not too far off, my beliefs have slightly changed. I greatly feel for these poor women who lose their spouses in this way. Even knowing that death is more prevalent in this line of work, one cannot prepare... ever. They are no more prepared for the news that they are widows, than anyone else. It is a shock to the system that can not be anticipated. Please raise a glass to those who have given their lives in order to give us everything... and be sure to include those who have lost the love of their lives to our country, as well. They are equally as brave.

Shoulder Update

2010-05-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

In case you aren't on Facebook (where all my updates have been), I am doing really well after the shoulder surgery. Typing is not the easiest, but I can definitely get by. It's actually not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Of course, the offers of help/food/babysitting have been in abundance which has put my mind at ease. We are doing well, although Tyler is ready for it to be totally healed since he claims he wants to be carried once and awhile. I'll let Papa carry him all day today when we head to Joe and Ann's for a BBQ... the King's wishes are always granted at Grandma and Papa's. ;)

Clucking Like a Chicken

2010-05-23T21:37:00.000-07:00

If I could chicken out, I think I would. It's not the actual surgery that haunts me, but the recovery that is occupying my every thought. The next three days are insanely busy (which is good), but trying to prepare for three weeks of sub plans in two days (I am at a meeting one of the three days left), will be a challenge. That doesn't include the end-of-the-year tasks I also need to finish. One thing for which I am certain... it will all fall into place... it always does.

Last year at this time I was in desperate need of the love and support of our families. As the year mark gets closer, I can't help but reluctantly reminisce about the events that were taking place in our lives.

While I do not make it a habit to reread any portion of the blog (it's the literary equivalent to nails on a chalkboard), but this week last year, we were debating if another hospital stay was imminent... turned out, it was. My favorite memory was sitting with Bill in his hospital room, just the two of us, hanging out... like nothing was wrong. We joked, we laughed, we talked... at that moment, I honestly had no idea how close the end really was. I am so very thankful we had that day together.

An Ode to Preschool Teachers

2010-05-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

Tyler had his preschool Open House tonight. As I traveled the room's perimeter reading the walls, I had to consciously swallow the lump in my throat. Not for the reason that you are probably thinking (that Bill should have been there to see it), but because his teachers are two amazing ladies who, without a doubt, love him completely. They are very serious about academics and maintain high expectations for every child... which to me, is secondary in my child's education. Seeing their interaction with Tyler tonight made me think that if he doesn't learn another thing the rest of the year... it won't matter. The love and support they have given will last him longer than any math activity or shape sort or insect life cycle ever could.

Do I want him to learn and grow and read? Of course. I want all of those things and many more, but mostly I want him to love school and feel that same love reciprocated. For that, I will be forever indebted to these two ladies.

Since I can not volunteer in the classroom, I try to help out in little ways that might make their lives easier. Whether it's an extra donation, or supplies for the class, it's definitely minuscule compared to what they have given us. I obviously empathize with the dedication (and dollars) it takes to supplement the curriculum for an entire school year. Tonight, Tyler and I bought books at the book fair for his class, and I had to laugh a little at myself thinking about its inequities... In my head I thought, "You have played an enormous role in shaping my child's life, and have created a love for learning so deep that I will be forever grateful....... So, here are a couple of books."

A Word of Advice

2010-05-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

Heed the warning... If you are in a situation where you might be having surgery in less than two weeks, I strongly recommend that you stay OFF the Internet when wondering about recovery times.

I am having the dreaded shoulder surgery a week from Thursday. I am happy to get it out of the way, and I am thrilled to get my shoulder fixed, but it is not going to be easy. I just don't want to live like this and am ready for it to be healed... now, please.

I have a Bankart tear, which is a tear of the inferior glenohumeral ligament. (I don't know what that means, either.)

I searched for my ailment/surgical procedure in regards to common recovery times and got a variety of examples ranging from 1 week to 8 months. I am assuming that neither are true. The majority mention 4-6 weeks. Not too bad, I suppose, but this probably means in a sling for a MONTH and having very little (if any) range of motion for 2-3 weeks. Nevermind that I live with a four-year-old who cannot get in and out of the bath by himself due to the "extra deep" tub. Good times.

The bright side... this surgery works for 90% of patients. I won't have to worry about it dislocating while simply sitting on the couch (which is how it happened last time). Now my goal is to come up with a really great heroic story that is the culprit of my injury. Can you have an injury that did not come about from a memorable experience? Is it still called an injury? Because, I have no reason this happens to my shoulder... NONE. I don't have a, "when I was saving the kitten from the fire..." or, "once when I was skiing in the Alps..." or, "then the bike flipped over my head..." story. It just pops out of the joint when doing regular, everyday things. Have I mentioned that it's the WORST pain I have ever had in my life? I have? Just want to be sure.

This particular description of the surgery is my favorite and made me feel like a super star!

Bankart surgery aims at restoring the muscular stability of shoulders by repairing the torn capsular detachments and also by fixing ligaments in place. This type of surgery is often undergone by young athletes and other sportsmen that suffer from a shoulder injury and face the problems of recurrent dislocation.

The truth...

In reality they are going to put screws in the bone to keep the "ball" part of my arm in the socket. Attached to the screws are sutures that they will weave through the ligament and pull tight (think drawstring) to keep everything in place. I am really trying not to think about it.

Magic Eraser

2010-05-15T21:36:00.001-07:00

Based on the title of this post one might think I have some random connection or life lesson that I will attempt to relate to the Magic Eraser cleaning tool. Sorry to disappoint, but it's literally about the sponge-type cleaning wonder.

I found a box of Magic Erasers (with only one missing) in the laundry room today. They are probably 3 years old. I was going to throw them away because the memory of using one came flooding back to me. I tried to clean a mark off the wall, but it was completely useless! I was EXTREMELY disappointed, and to say I was confused by the hype is an understatement. Bill had used them at work religiously and raved about their miracle tendencies. I have friends who also swore by their effectiveness, and I would just nod to avoid being in the minority.

Three years ago, my conversation with Bill went like this:

Me: I don't like those Magic Eraser things... I tried one and it didn't work!

Bill: Really? We use them all the time at work, and they get EVERYTHING clean.

Me: Well, the wall still has a mark on it. THEY DON'T WORK!

Bill: That's really odd... are you sure you did it right?

Me: How hard can it be to clean the mark off the wall with a little sponge? (Insert sarcastic/snippy tone here.)

Since I still have the same small mark on the wall, I thought I give the eraser one more shot...

It turns out that you have to WET THE ERASER in order to reap the benefits! Who knew? (Clearly not me.) I was using it bone dry. I am going to have to play the blonde card on this one...

I'll be keeping the box I discovered, and will probably purchasing more to take some to work. They really are amazing!

I think I can actually hear him laughing at me.

Campers Unite!

2010-05-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I finally registered for Camp Widow. Thankfully, it's not exactly camping, being that it's at the Marriott on the beach. I started to register a few months ago, and didn't finish because my purse was in the car... I know, lazy excuse. It is in San Diego this year, so there really is not an excuse for me NOT to go. The main reason I'm going is to meet the other widows that I regularly "talk" to online. There are also a few blogs that I read religiously and can't wait to actually meet some of the writers in person. The camp offers support, small-group sessions, and the chance to be around other people who have walked in similar shoes.

Everyone wants to feel like they "belong" in some capacity or another. Widowhood is similar. Only it's the crappiest club with a horrific initiation. I talked to someone recently who just lost her spouse and actually said to her, "Welcome to the club... I'm so sorry... It is awful that you have to be a carrying card member."

I wish I could leave this club and disaffiliate, but the rulebook states it's a lifetime membership. Truthfully, I wish the organization putting on the conference would not have any widowed participants and need to cancel it. Then maybe people wouldn't be joining and maybe the widowhood club would just fade away... No such luck.

I am really excited to spend a weekend down in San Diego sans child. The weekend happens to be the 6th-8th of August... so I will spend what would have been my sixth wedding anniversary (August 7th) at Camp Widow. How's that for irony?

Empty Anger

2010-05-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

Lately I find I am drawn to post more than the norm. I am sure there are many reasons, but mainly, it still serves as my therapy and if I can get my thoughts down, then I feel a weight lifted.

I sometimes get angry at Bill. Well, not really at him, but at the fact that he died. It's an empty feeling of anger that is not fueled by something he did intentionally to me. I find I get angry when I have to do things that I am not supposed to have to do at this stage of my life. I am supposed to married with a few kids. I am supposed to be worrying about paying for college and how to make ends meet when the air conditioning breaks. Although I am not really worried about these things, (knock on wood... please let my A/C make it through summer) I am worried about things I never could anticipate taking over my thoughts at thirty-four years old. In a way, I blame Bill for "forcing" me to have to think about all these things. Now, I know it's not his fault, and he certainly didn't choose this route either, but there are times I need someone to blame, and for once in our marriage he really can't tell me I'm wrong... or irrational... or being crazy... AND he can't tell me to stop talking and just sit there and look pretty... but I'd give anything if he could.

Maturity... or not.

2010-05-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

This is a fair warning that you are about to read a rant and/or rave. Enter at your own risk.

I often wonder about the emotional maturity of some people... mainly me. I *think* I have always been somewhat on the mature side for the appropriate age at which I have assessed myself. I also believe that life's lessons, big or small, can enhance maturity in some people.

The question I have tonight, though, is if it is possible to halt emotional maturity at the time of a crisis? Could it be that one stops maturing after such a traumatic emotional experience? "Survival mode" does not include learning necessary social cues, thus reverting back to younger tendencies. If such an experience takes up an innumerable amount of emotional efforts, could it be that one can not get over that hill in order to grow and keep maturing at age-appropriate pace?

Facebook puts a new social media in our laps. Understanding the rules and common courtesies is not always easy, but get to know how it works and it's not brain surgery. I have friends on Facebook who are still in high school, and I see their updates (and sometimes cringe), but it gives me a little insight to what kids that age are thinking, believing, and concluding about life. They are eager (desperate, even) to get out of high school. Often, their maturity level is far above what one could imagine. Sometimes I feel like I should take notes from them in how one should view the world. Their maturity often surpasses those who have been out of high school for years and years. Go figure...

Not to worry... I am not referring to anyone in my family or circle of friends; or anyone with whom I work, socialize, or regularly encounter. I am however referring to an experience in which an adult demonstrated actions severely lacking maturity or tact or social appropriateness of any kind. In fact, it was a fluke experience that has been chalked up to just that... an experience. I don't run into people I deem to be that immature very often, so when I do, it's shocking beyond what my mind can fathom. Intelligence does not equate to maturity. It sometimes takes a little while to realize this, and it can be quite eye opening.

Mother's Day

2010-05-08T16:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.

It will be my first as a single one. I won't go into detail, but on this holiday last year I was watching my husband slowly slip away. It was a horrible day with a lot of tears for so many different reasons. I'll just add that it was a rough day for Bill, too.

I am determined to make this Mother's Day weekend (yes, I have graduated to celebrating it the entire weekend) one of the best. So far, so good... we have a fun-filled weekend planned, and it's not quite half way over yet. So, don't forget to celebrate all of the moms in your life!

Updates and more...

2010-05-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

I greatly appreciate all the blog votes, and although I had the most votes... I still came in second. They "stopped" the voting at midnight EST, although that was a little shady since they listed the date as April 31st. They allowed more votes after voting was over, which was also confusing. Since I clearly don't need the prize offered, I will choose one and either donate it, or sell it on e-bay and donate the proceeds. I have to make it worth my while to have invested such great efforts into this contest.

Although the blog is still listed on their website and in the contest for the month of May, I am not participating. It was fun, but a little too involved the last few days. I have exceeded the number of times I can ask my Facebook friends to vote. ;)

A quick update on the two of us:

Tyler is "playing" soccer... yes I realize playing is in quotes. He kind of knows where the ball is, and then nonchalantly jogs to the area where the other kids gather around it. At the end of the game however, he bolts like lightning to run through the parent tunnel and get his snack bag. Go figure...

I am getting through the school year and eagerly awaiting summer vacation! It's tough to work full-time knowing that next year I will not. Wednesdays will be my new Fridays... just like pink is the new black. :)

We were going to move... and now we are not. It's a long, complicated story, but it has all worked out for the best. We are both happy to stay in our house. I am also thrilled to not have to physically move with my bad shoulder. I am having surgery May 27th and have been advised by a mentor to invest in HUGE shirts, elastic waist pants, and slip on shoes. I cringe at the ugliness in that combo. Top it off with not being able to blow-dry my hair and having to put make-up on with my left hand, and I think I might qualify for clown school. Good times.

Please Vote... again.

2010-04-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

Based on my last post about the "little things" in life, I am going to take another chance to shamelessly plug the blog and ask that you click here and vote again. This is my "little thing" in life that I really want to win. You can only vote every 24 hours (not to be confused with once a day).

The gentleman who writes the blog who just stole MY second place spot wrote about me in his blog and how I might be deserving, but that he is more so. He draws doodles and posts them online... and I write about life as my husband spent months and months suffering from cancer which inevitably took his life. Did I mention that I am a thirty-four-year-old widow with a four-year-old son who I am now raising by myself? OK, I rarely play the "widow card" but I need the votes... desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose.

If you could vote again, I would greatly appreciate it.

VOTE HERE

It's the little things...

2010-04-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to let the big things in life overshadow the little things. After all, that is why they are considered to be the BIG things. In life we all have issues that come in a variety of shapes and sizes.

Things beginning, things ending, things bought, things sold, things changing, things stagnant, things sufficient, things lacking, things that matter, things that don't.

I have had almost two years of BIG things that have completely smothered the little things that I so greatly cherish. I started thinking about my favorite little things in life, and the immense value they all hold.

Whether it's an impromptu "I love you" from my favorite four-year-old, or flowers from a parent "just because."

It might be a perfectly timed text from a friend with only one word - "dinner?" or it could even be the excitement of wearing a new outfit.

Often it is a fresh new "cut and color," or maybe it's leaving for work in the morning without a crying child waving good-bye at the window.

It doesn't really matter what the little things are, but what does matter is how often you step back and notice them. Take the time to cherish the little things, because if they disappear, they can all too easily become the BIG things.

Voting

2010-04-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

I received an e-mail about a month ago informing me that the blog was nominated for a "Blogger" award. I was interviewed and now need votes. I wouldn't normally do this, but the competitive side of me wants to (at least) follow through with the process. If you are so inclined, you can click on the link below and then click the blue "Vote Now" button in the top left corner of the interview.

VOTE HERE

Today is National It's Not Fair Day

2010-04-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

I'm having an "It's Not Fair" day. I know life isn't fair, and no one has ever told me differently. I have said to many a student, that if someone told you life was fair, they were telling you a pack of lies. Today was just one of those days... and it's not fair. It's not fair to me, my child, or the people who surround us. It's just not fair on so many levels, for so many people. The feelings, the grief, the anger, the acceptance, the guilt... none of them are fair and things were never supposed to be like this. Ever. Yet they are.

But this is real life, and I need to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward... which is very different from moving on. Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day.

Faith

2010-04-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

This post did not really turn out to be the "Happy Easter" post to which it was intended. Nonetheless, I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and are able to spend it with loved ones.

Faith was the topic at the Easter church service yesterday. Although it was based on the "leap of faith" idea, it got me thinking about faith in general... leaping, blind, or otherwise.

Right or wrong, I have always been a "blind faith" person. I don't need proof or to see things with my own eyes. If you would have asked a few years ago about my faith, I probably could have given you a very intelligent, well-thought out answer that summed up my beliefs in a few sentences. My faith had never been tested, so it was quite simple to decide what to believe.

Life happened. And a few months ago, if you asked me the same question regarding faith, my answer would have probably been a jumbled attempt at an explanation, because after faith is tested it's not always so easy to put your finger on your exact beliefs. However, if you asked me that same question today, I think my answer would just simply be one word. YES.

Faith requires trust and trust requires risk. The death of a loved one can make you feel robbed of that trust, which off-sets the common beliefs that lead you to faith. Having a not-so-common circumstance makes everything seem abstract, and therefore too risky. The blurriness tests your faith, but if you believe blindly, then it shouldn't matter.

An Observation

2010-02-25T22:02:00.001-08:00

For me, nothing is better than taking my contacts out, removing my make-up (or not caring about it), and rubbing my eyes. It is a rarity for me since I sleep with my contacts in and generally have make-up on during the day.

Tonight was one of those "rub your eyes until it hurts" nights.

I absolutely could not wait to rush home and let the eye-rubbing commence. It is such an amazing feeling to be able to finally rub them without worrying about make-up smearing or having a contact come out or even tear.

As with many pleasures, there is an ever so slight sting that comes with the great joy of rubbing an eye. It is hardly noticeable, yet in some ways makes me extremely grateful that I have allowed myself to not worry about the few things that naturally come when wearing contacts. It's a sting that keeps me aware and thankful that I have such delicate assistance that help me to see clearly each and every day.

You can read between the lines or take it at face value... both are accurate applications.

Winter Update

2010-02-07T20:33:00.000-08:00

The latest and greatest...

Tyler is playing basketball and finally loves it. It took a few weeks for him to warm up to the idea, but he now has the hang of it and is ready to pose for the camera every time he scores. Watching a group of kids, ages four and five, run up and down the court is just about the cutest thing I have ever seen. This last week I turned into "that mom." Truthfully, my friend and I turned into, "those moms" since I was not alone. We were ready to take down a few five year olds who were bullying our kids on the court. So yes, I am THAT mom, and yes, I am saving money for my child's therapy.

Tyler really does love playing and the #6 shirt doesn't hurt either. Now he is claiming that he wants to be a basketball player AND a drummer when he grows up.... AND wants to do both at the same time. I had to break the news to him that drumming and playing basketball simultaneously has clown-like tendencies, and I'll be able to use his college fund to off-set the therapy costs. ;)

I am loving my new school and am very happy I made the change. I miss my old clan at Golden, but the new start has been refreshing. I found out last week that I will be able to go part-time next year. I have a partner (at my school) and we turned in our proposal and received approval for next year. I'll be teaching 60% and she will be teaching 40%. I am thrilled to have this opportunity, and excited to start a new adventure.

I am once again having some serious trouble with my shoulder. I'm going to leave it at that, since the recent wound is a little too fresh to recap. It hurts. Constantly. For me to admit that I'm in pain is pretty major, and I would venture to say that if the doctor says the "surgery" word I might actually listen this time. At this point I'll do just about anything to have it not dislocate. It's THAT bad.

The Blog Book

2010-01-26T22:33:00.000-08:00

222 pages!

My brother graciously arranged to have the blog printed and bound into a book. I included a dedication in the beginning, added pictures, and wrote a note to Tyler at the end. The book is his... for him to read when he wants to feel closer to his dad. It breaks my heart that someday he will need the book to help trigger his memories.

I have a hard time reading the past entries. In fact, I make it a habit to NOT read it for a few reasons, 1) it's not edited well, and I cringe to see mistakes and poor word choices, 2) I am thankful for the ten and a half months we had together, however, I don't want to relive the "sick" months. I fear my memory will focus on the unhealthy past, instead of the healthy.

So, the Blog Book is on its way... ALL 222 pages of it. The entries stop somewhere in mid-July, but I plan to print the others that are pertinent and include them with the book. Although I don't want to sit and read it, I am excited to see it. Thank you, Todd, it is a gift that Tyler and I will always cherish.

And...

Sorry it was SO expensive... I'm sure that's not what you had in mind. ;)

Bittersweetness

2010-01-21T18:04:00.000-08:00

I began this side of the journey counting days "after." I thought that would never go away, but it did. Then I began counting weeks and was convinced that I would do that forever, but I didn't. Now I often have to think of the date before I can calculate how many months. Getting to this point is definitely bittersweet. We are managing to live quite happily in our new normal.

I have numerous people who help to keep us afloat. I think everyone has days feeling they could sink like a stone. Some days are definitely easier to maintain buoyancy than others. I am grateful for the weightless feeling, because prior to cancer I don't think I appreciated it with my entire being, like I do now. I suppose I am thankful for cancer showing me how vital it is to rest on top of the surface instead of thrashing and treading under it. Life is far too short to spend it trying to find the surface while gasping for breath.

The Fish Bowl

2010-01-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

When a crisis hits there are usually two ways people seek help in handling things. Either they shut down and keep things secretive, OR reach out to others and let people in. We chose the latter, mainly because secrets turn into rumors, and I thought we needed all the prayers we could get. I actually enjoyed living in a fish bowl the past the year and a half, and felt comfort in people knowing what was happening without me having to actually say the words. (I desperately needed the fish habitat.) The love and support was incredible and if I had to do it all again, God forbid, I would not change the path we chose.

Although I still update here every so often, it feels a little odd to still live in the same (proverbial) fish bowl. I'm not sure how to fix this, and I am not sure I even need to fix it. I suppose it's simply that I would like to draw the blinds once and awhile and live incognito among the "normal." I definitely don't want to be defined by a tragedy, and hopefully won't live forever being "the one whose husband died". Who knows... maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow, and I'd like to reserve that right.

Idiosyncrasies #2

2009-12-31T22:53:00.001-08:00

We got through Christmas and Bill's birthday with little, to no, scars. We also took a trip up to the central coast to see family from both of our sides. It was a great time, and Tyler LOVED playing with his cousins. It's now New Year's Eve and as 2010 approaches I can't help but admit that I am happy to bid farewell to 2009. It was rough year, for many, and I desperately need a fresh start.

I got a few different e-mails over the past few days asking/reminding me that last last year I did a list of idiosyncrasies in lieu of a New Year's resolution. Really, it was a list of weird things that I have/do/think. I started thinking about it, and how hard could it be to come with another list? Goodness knows I have plenty of material. ALL things on last year's list still hold true... very true.

To see last years, click here.

I need to add the same disclaimer that I am NOT committed enough to do anything about them.

I can (still) eat cereal for every meal... Supposebly is NOT a word... I hate working out... I have a group of online girlfriends that I absolutely LOVE... I easily sleep with the TV on... I love new car smell... I am a horrible dieter... I am now a self-diagnosed hypochondriac... I don't understand why they even make Oreos that are not double-stuffed... I am addicted to House Hunters... You could put Ranch dressing on dirt and I'd probably eat it... I can draw an awesome elephant, but my skills end there... I am not a Rachael Ray fan... I hate it when people say "expresso" when there is NO X in espresso... I have a serious magazine habit... It is not Valentime's Day... I couldn't live without my iPhone... I hate Chutes and Ladders... Malls make me happy... I want to go back to law school, but don't think I want to be a lawyer... I am an over-analyzer... I had doubts that I would survive 2009... I DID survive 2009...

Another Thank You!

2009-12-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

I have so many things for which to be thankful this year. In the midst of holiday bustle, things can often get blurry and lost. Although we have many blessings, it would be an understatement to say this was a tough year. I'd also be lying to say I wasn't ready to begin a new one.

I would like to say a thank you to our friends and family...
I cannot begin to tell you how indebted I still am for all of your heartfelt warm wishes, e-mails, phone calls, messages, cards... the list goes on and on. I appreciate the fact that during the holidays many of you have extended invitations and kept us busy and a part of the Christmas bustle... especially since it would have been easy for me to hibernate this year. Thank you to those who have chosen to walk this path with me without an ounce of hesitation. I don't know what I would do without close friends who keep track of me and make sure I am a member of the real world (and not curled up in the fetal position). Your incredible kindness never goes unnoticed, and I will truly be forever grateful.

Once a Widow...

2009-12-18T23:32:00.000-08:00

Once a widow, always a widow?? Is it like being an alcoholic? Once you are identified as one, the label sticks whether you are actively drinking or not. Or maybe a better example would be the president. Once you lead this country you are always addressed as "Mr. President" or "President So-and-So", for example. So if a widow ever remarries, is that person still considered a widow? I'm not sure of the answer to this, but I can't imagine that a permanent hole so deep could ever be fully mended. That's not to say that I don't believe a widow could remarry and fully love her new husband, but I can't imagine that person would ever actually stop loving the first, or original spouse. How does a remarried widow refer to her first husband? You can't say "ex-husband" because that is clearly not the case, but you don't necessarily want to start numbering husbands either. Oh to be a fly on the wall in my little head...

Maybe it's similar to having more than one child... you love the first one with your entire heart and soul, then the second, third, fourth, one comes along and the love (I am told) remains as strong. (At least that's what my mom always told my older brother and me.) There should be enough love to go around, I suppose, but these questions flood my mind and when I checked the widow rulebook, I couldn't find the answers.

I'm going to have faith in the fact that these questions will someday be answered, I don't need any answers right now, and the answers may be different for everyone who has lost a spouse. Widowhood is definitely not one size fits all...

I need a do-over...

2009-12-07T23:35:00.001-08:00

I attended a beautiful Christmas women's event tonight with incredible music (including an amazing singer/friend) and an inspirational speaker. One of our tasks was to say what person (dead or alive) with whom we would like to spend 15 minutes. My answer was easy... Bill.

My head instantly knew that he was my answer, however, as the evening ensued I decided I wanted a redo. I changed my mind. My head's answer forgot to sync with my heart's answer. As I sat and listened to the night's speaker, many thoughts tumbled through my head. The main one was that I was wrong, I would not want an additional 15 minutes with him. That's not enough. I recently read another widow's blog post about getting one more day and it got me thinking. I have come so far in the grieving process that 15 additional minutes with him would surely send me back to square one in my grief. A place I don't particularly care to revisit.

Also, would those 15 minutes mean that he would suffer for additional time? If that is the case, then I could never ask that of him. Why in the world would I want him to endure MORE pain, even if it was just 15 minutes? Although it is very tempting, I could never be that selfish. Is it possible that I love him so much that I wouldn't (couldn't) want another 15 minutes with him?

So, to those of you with whom I spent the evening tonight, I want a do-over. I changed my mind... the next person on my mental list is Abraham Lincoln. Yes, I pick Abe.

Gift Wrap

2009-11-28T21:53:00.001-08:00

Although I don't usually comment on comments... I have to say that the person (Anonymous) who stated that I left out color-coordinated gift wrap was spot on!! I kicked myself for omitting that very important detail since it is something for which I am extremely grateful. I don't know who the poster was, but it was clearly someone who knows me VERY well.

My favorite part of Christmas is the gift wrap. I start shopping in October (when it starts showing up in online stores) and pour over patterns and ribbons and paper. In my dream world, I would have a gift wrap room with rolls of paper and ribbons affixed to special built-in wall units... Large tables would make wrapping even the bulkiest gift a cinch... Tape dispensers would be stationary and scissors would be sharp enough to glide through the paper effortlessly... I have the room designed perfectly in my head.

I always investigate the thickness to determine adequate quality, which can make this obsession get a little pricey. It is a rule that the patterns are not just matching, but actually come from the same company with intentions of balance and coordinating designs. I have had this year's wrapping paper for weeks and weeks. Sound insanely crazy?? Welcome to my world!

I would love to have a business and just work in December wrapping gifts. I know I could go to Macy's and pick up a part-time gig, but that's not remotely close to feeding my obsession. I like to shop and wrap early so I can enjoy the paper under the tree for more than a few days. I could go on and on (even more) about my love for Christmas and slightly major obsession for gift wrap, but I will stop here and maintain the minuscule piece of sanity I claim to have left.

2009-11-25T20:35:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for so many things that I honestly don't know where to begin.

I am thankful for...

Tyler... our incredible family... great friends... Starbucks... health... purses... my home... new car smell... Tyler... good jeans... Bill's legacy... diet coke... photos... my class... Tyler... time... red wine... tennis shoes... Christmas decorations... homemade cookies... love... Tyler... dental floss on a stick... opportunities... a warm bed... Target... challenges... my career... Tyler... ultra fine Sharpies... support... a super soft sweatshirt... motivation... pre-sliced apples in small bags... TiVO... enthusiasm... and Tyler.

I am so very grateful for the many blessings in my life. Thank you all for still checking on us!

The NOT SO BAD List

2009-11-22T22:41:00.000-08:00

We had a very busy weekend, so I am definitely ready for a 4-day Thanksgiving break. We went from a birthday party to visiting friends and family, and I even bought a new car somewhere in the mix. It was an exciting weekend.

I'd like to think I have always been a "half full" sort person. There has to be some sort of good in every situation... even at rock bottom. Today at my sister-in-law's house I tried to come up with things are not terrible because of this situation. I promised myself I wouldn't focus on anything negative, so I want to preface my list with the fact if i could change any of this, I would... but I obviously can't, so I might as well try to find some good along the way. If something made my "list" then it is safe to say that Bill thought the opposite.

* Decisions are easier when making them alone. I don't have to consult anyone (or hear another person's advice/complaint) on how to discipline, how to do laundry, or where to hang a new picture.

* I don't have to keep a new pair of shoes in my trunk and wait to sneak them in. Although, I still kind of do this, so I guess I am just keeping my skills polished.

* I actually like having the bed to myself (when Tyler is not trying to climb in). I know this seems odd, but it's the truth.

* I don't have to worry about someone else using the ATM card and not telling me about the withdraw... then worry that there will be enough to cover everything and do the mad dash to get online and transfer money.

* I now understand the true meaning of "stress"... I was mistaken when I said that finishing report cards was stressful. Not... even... close...

* I am allowed to put steak knives in the dishwasher.

* I can watch "Friends" reruns every night and fall asleep with the TV on.

* I can wash my whites separately and avoid the muted gray color on everything.

I am reserving the right to add to this list as needed. I can only hope that I will come up with a few more entries.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Another Week

2009-11-20T23:21:00.000-08:00

It has been a crazy week in our household, although that seems to be the norm these days. I gave two trainings at the district office which enables me to see different teachers from a variety of schools. I ran into a teacher I met in my early years at Golden. We happened to pull up and get out of our cars at the same time, so we walked in together. I would guess our walk was all of about 2 minutes. I cannot explain how refreshing it was to have someone come right out and say, "I'm so sorry to hear about your husband... How are you?" She didn't feel the need to do the "head-tilt"* and didn't dance around the elephant in the room. She simply came out and asked... I didn't realize how much I would appreciate such a small gesture, but it was refreshing!

* see previous posts for definition of "head-tilt".

We found out this week that an aide with whom we work lost her husband in August to a massive heart attack. She is just now admitting this to people, which tells me she is just now seeing the fog lift enough to say the words that he is gone. She has 4 kids, a part-time job, and her husband had barely enough life insurance to cover his funeral and pay his debt. My heart aches for her and her children. If I ever needed a sign that I was meant to change schools, this is it. Things work out in mysterious ways, and I hope I can be some sort of help in her unfortunate situation.

I feel validated that Tyler and I are healthy in our healing and can openly talk about "our Dad". The fact that he feels free to ask questions, draw pictures, and look at photos is so precious in the healing process. I can only hope that someday my fellow staff member can say the same.

Acceptance

2009-11-08T21:37:00.000-08:00

There are many levels of grief. I could almost hold a checklist and write the date that certain feelings were experienced. The anger, the guilt, the depression, the denial... they all have spent time with me. The last feeling I have has lingered for awhile now...

The acceptance.

Accepting that he is gone... accepting that he is not coming back... accepting that I am single... accepting that I am a different person... accepting that motherhood can (and will) be done alone. I have accepted our new life and all that is tangled in it. Sometimes I wonder if I am ready to fully accept things, but in reality, I do not have a choice IF I am going to or not; I must continue to live my life.

Does acceptance mean I have forgotten, or it doesn't hurt? Far from it. Those two factors do not replace each other. That is the "funny" thing about grief. There are no rules or map to follow, you must navigate it yourself and personally come to terms with acceptance. To quote Merriam-Webster, acceptance is,

to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable; to recognize as true: believe

I don't feel I am "actively mourning" anymore, but I know the hole will always be there... in my life and in my heart. I have accepted this, and I know that it has made me a stronger person (how could it not?).

When I sat down to write this post, I had a totally different angle worked out in my head. Interesting how things can take a turn, and the result is far from what was anticipated. I guess life is funny like that...

Love/Hate Relationship

2009-10-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

I have a love/hate relationship with preschool drop off. I love it when I'm NOT working, and not so much when I have to rush off to school. I do like feeling more connected to his school, but I need to acknowledge that I have been extremely spoiled the past 4 years...

*Disclaimer - I know there are single working moms out there with multiple children and full full-time jobs who complete far more than I do on a daily basis... and yet never miss a soccer practice. I am not comparing myself to those warriors. :)*

I have never had to take Tyler anywhere in the morning for "drop off". In fact, I was even able to get ready in the morning while he slept. My schedule was rarely interrupted. When I signed on to taking him twice a week, I didn't realize the learning curve would be so large. (For me, not him.) We have had some really good mornings and a few stressful ones.

The first day I woke Tyler up too late. In fact, I was literally trying to get him dressed while he was still in bed trying to squeeze a few more minutes of slumber. I'd like to say we got his teeth brushed, but I'm honestly not sure. I do know, however, that I bribed him that morning with 5 mini-marshmallows. We also stopped at Starbucks (not out of the normal), where he requested a vanilla scone (which is frosted). I was actually happy he wanted a scone since he really doesn't eat in the morning. A quick tally... he had 5 marshmallows and a frosted scone. We got to school and I went around the car to open his door and he was standing over the center console taking a huge swig of my iced, 4 shot, nonfat, white chocolate mocha. New tally... 5 marshmallows, a frosted scone, and a huge swig of espresso. Needless to say, I didn't divulge any info to his teachers and bolted out the door before they could stop me. Mother of year?? Not so much...

Tilted Head-Nod

2009-10-25T16:12:00.000-07:00

Meeting new people is interesting when you feel like you are hoarding a gigantic secret... only it's not really a secret... but I am incredibly tired of the tilted head-nod. The look I get when I tell people my "story" is one of which I am not fond. If you just meet me, one would never guess what I endured over the past year. I am able to hold an intelligent conversation without revealing my unique circumstance of which my new friend is unaware. Depending on the situation, I am actually quite talented at dodging questions that might lead to the big reveal. I can even steer a conversation to safer grounds by rerouting a person's questions. I don't avoid the awkwardness for me, but for them. It has turned into a little mental game for me... for lack of better term.

I don't think I look like the typical widow, however she might appear. I'm not sure the stereotype of one, but for some reason my visual is of a woman over the age of eighty. Not much about my external features lead people to assume the reality of my marital status. I actually kind of feel sorry for those who find out the truth after asking what seems to be a very innocent question. Then the tables turn, and they begin the tilted head-nod based on my revealing answer. For awhile I thought I was (maybe) imagining this infamous tilt, but after a friend told me, "I saw the head-nod!" I know I am not crazy... in this aspect. :)

I am to the point that I can share my story honestly and openly, without fearing the awkwardness that inevitably ensues. I have learned such an incredible life lesson. One that has changed me forever. I have only one person to thank for opening my eyes to what life truly is about.

Relief Pitcher

2009-10-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

I find I really miss blogging about our lives. I don't have much to put into words, but somehow I manage to type once my fingers hit the keyboard. Having "nothing" to say always turns into a rant or rave of some sort...

Tyler is spending the night with Grandma and Papa and nothing is better than seeing your 4-year-old skip off to Grandma's car and happily wave good-bye. He is one lucky boy!

The hardest thing about single parenting is the "on" factor. You are ON all the time. Never getting a break starts to wear on a person. I have a little shadow next to me, on me, or staring at me every waking minute (that I am not working). I often joke that he would crawl back inside of me if given the opportunity, since he always wants to be soft and cozy. Granted, I wouldn't change it for anything... but a relief pitcher every so often is much appreciated. Having an adult dinner and not doing to the bedtime routine is a gift in itself.

I added two blogs that I read daily to the right side of the page. They are about children who actually live in the LA and Orange County areas. If you get a moment, please take a look. I know I have mentioned Carter's blog before, and some of you have found it from the blogs I watch, but just in case you haven't, the link is there. Maddie's blog is equally as moving, and I hope you will take the time to check them out.

Comments of the Day

2009-10-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

These are from a popular e-mail going around. I just thought they were so appropriate for real life, so I posted them. I DID NOT WRITE THIS! Although I'd love to take credit... I only provided the comments on this one. I couldn't just post it as is, I had to add my $.02 (in red).

Random Thoughts of the Day:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. So true!

Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. I hate it when this happens!

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. This happens to me ALL the time... only coming out of a store in the mall.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. I also would like to take back NOT napping when Tyler was a baby and slept all the time.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me, and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. Hilarious!

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Atari and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no Internet or message board or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. I still do this!

There is a great need for a sarcasm font. Duh!

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what in the world was going on the first time around. I never really understood what Dirty Dancing was fully about.

How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?...Without rolling it up?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. I have the bruises to prove it.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. Mine would be filled with shoe websites.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text. I hate to admit to this one.

Was learning cursive really necessary? It is kind of obsolete, but kids are silent when doing learning it. Go figure.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Who doesn't?

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is, "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart." Hehe, kind of true! Too bad I am kind of the reverse.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? This reminds of parking lot duty after school as parents tell you who they are picking up and you have no clue what they said...

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! Even better is when a speeding demon flies down the freeway swerving in and out, and then you see them up ahead getting a speeding ticket.

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in 'examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies." I have said, "K, as in... cart..." Again, I am book smart, not "street" smart.

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart. :)

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. I have thought this many times. It's a waste of printer ink!

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. Very true!

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. I suppose if you had a tank less water heater, you could do it this way.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. Me too!!

Bad decisions make good stories. Unfortunately, yes.

Is it just me or do high school girls wear less and less clothing every year? Yes, again!

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so nervous? I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... I really felt this after I got married and changed my last name.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. Beta, anyone?

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning back in your chair a little too far. The moment before hitting the ground is the longest second of your life!

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of a Word document and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page project to which I swear I did not make any changes. This sets me into a panic!

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed. At least the girls are...

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? LOL

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. It's a waste of good make-up.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my library. Why is this??

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles... Good point on this one.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. Goes for the date, too.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. So true!

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Doesn't everyone do this?

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it. Me neither.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and pinning the tail on the donkey - but everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... This describes me perfectly.

It really angers me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text. I know it has the little video icon, but you can't expect me to pay attention all the time.

I wonder if cops ever get mad at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. I know it bugs me when others drive under the speed limit when a cop is around.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay. I don't care who you are... This is funny...

Our New Life

2009-10-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

We are rather boring these days, and I must confess that I LOVE every minute of the boredom! School has started and we are now in the thick of things. I am really enjoying my new school and am so grateful the opportunity presented itself for me to move. A fresh start was just what the proverbial doctor ordered. Tyler loves his new class (same school) and we both could not be happier. I mean that sincerely, we are truly deeply content living our simple little life. Every once and awhile Tyler throws a huge tantrum (in public, of course) just to keep me on my toes. They serve as a "friendly" reminder that he is, in fact, four.

Tyler will be starting soccer sometime soon. I figured it has been awhile since he has picked me teeny-tiny flowers like those found on a field. I keep telling him we could go pick flowers for free, instead of signing up for soccer, which is clearly not free. He is not buying into it... so off to soccer we will go.

I am also looking for a golfing class/lesson for him. No offense to all the soccer players out there, but it is not a sport where he will make millions (leading to my retirement)... golf, on the other hand, can be played into his "senior" years. I'd be thrilled to drive a new Buick as I wear Nike, telling time on my Tag Heuer watch, while drinking Gatorade, talking on my AT&T phone, and shaving with a Gillette razor. I'd even be willing to change Tyler's name to some strong jungle animal. I hear Tiger is taken...

MORE TO COME!

2009-09-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

I know it's a lot of change, but I am craving an an overhaul... in so many ways. I want to keep the blog, it still holds such a special place in my heart. Bill never wanted it to end up as a memorial, and I am afraid that is how I saw it. I was feeling like my updates needed to be Bill/grief based and I was finding I didn't have much to report. By starting fresh I am simply keeping a blog of our family and the day-to-day trials of our new life.

Stay tuned...

Current Status Update...

2009-09-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

I am officially back to work, so summer has come to an end. I have enjoyed being back and really like my new school. Today was the "turning point" and I feel like I will actually be ready for Tuesday when the kiddos come.

This summer has been a true blessing. I am convinced that Bill waited until school was out so I wouldn't worry about missing work... yet he also planned it so I could have a summer to get things in order. He was always very thoughtful and only wanted me to be happy.

Lately, I have been struggling with finding the words to describe how I feel... Not great, but not necessarily bad, either. I couldn't describe the exact the feeling (until now), but I just checked my work e-mail and a friend sent me a message and used the term "caregiver hangover"... THAT'S IT! I have a severe caregiver hangover. It's that little sick feeling that lingers the day after a fun-filled evening. It's the slight headache that is dull, but always there. It's being able to function, but not yet feeling 100%. I have a caregiver hangover that Advil and Denny's greasy food at 2am can't cure. ;) Thanks, Paul!!

Is it??

2009-08-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

Is it possible that I can love my life again?

Is it possible for us to move on and continue forward?

Is it possible that we are living in a (somewhat) normal existence?

Is it possible that I feel guilty sometimes when I am happy?

Is it possible that I don't want to seek counseling, but just need good friends with which to talk and cry?

Is it possible that I might love again?

Is it possible to think that I might have a second chance someday?

Is it possible to accept that I will never know "why"?

I am starting to think that maybe all things are possible...

Tyler

2009-08-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

Mom... I just saw Dad outside your window and he waved to me... so I waved back. I thought you said we wouldn't get to see him again.

The things that come out of Tyler's mouth are amazing. I wonder if spirits often visit children (more than adults) because they don't doubt themselves or try to ignore what they have seen. I honestly didn't question him much, because I desperately want it to be true, and I want Tyler to "see" him every chance he gets.

I have started journaling all of the things Tyler says. Some are funny, some are touching, and some are sad... some are a combination of all three. Some seem sad, but I usually interperet as being thoughtful (and comical).

A few examples...

I miss Daddy...
Can a tall T-Rex eat Dad in heaven?
Where does Dad live when there aren't any clouds?
When do we get a new dad, and how long does it take?
The bee is dead?? Like our dad??

A Quick Update... Stay Tuned

2009-08-17T22:19:00.001-07:00

I know it has been awhile, but trust me, a blog post has been brewing in my head for a few days now. Sadly, I have even edited this particular post and it hasn't even been written yet. I am just not ready to post about it, but I promise it is coming.

I have definitely survived the "funk"... until the next one. I find that if I keep our schedule relatively busy and don't allow us to sit home day in and day out, I can keep things together a little better. I know some of you are thinking/saying, "It's OK to NOT hold it together and take time to be upset and cry..." Honestly, it's easier said than done. When I have a three-year-old on my heels at all times it is not OK for me to want to curl up in the fetal position and spend the day crying. I am also very sensitive to crying in front of Tyler. I never want him to feel that he can't bring up Daddy because Mommy always ends up in tears each time his death is mentioned. I WANT him to talk about Bill (and we do everyday), so a daily break-down just isn't healthy for this part of our healing.

I promise a more detailed post is coming soon, and I will further explain some details. We are back on track, and the fog has lifted.

Tough Times

2009-08-10T21:20:00.000-07:00

I have hit a rough patch. Four days worth, to be exact. I know it's par for the course, but when you are knee deep it is hard to see that the fog will lift. I think our anniversary was the driving force. I feel immensely better today, so I have faith that these times will come and go.

The two month mark is quickly approaching, and I am sure that I have cried more the past few days than I have since Bill died. Like I said, today was drastically better, and I am choosing to be happy and live life to the fullest. (And yes, Tyler is fine and was not privy to my funk.)

Most people know, although I have not mentioned it on the blog, but I am changing schools next year. Many reasons were involved in this change. I asked (begged) to make a switch, knowing that this summer would be challenging, and I was desperate for a fresh start. I know it seems like a lot of change all at once, but I have not one doubt that it is exactly what I need right now. I have spent a few days over the weeks in my new room unpacking and getting ready for the new school year. I never thought I would say it, but I might be *somewhat* ready to go back to work. I love my time off, but I also thrive on structure and schedule... Work is what got me through the past year, I know I am definitely ready for the relief that a full classroom will bring.

I summary... we are still OK...

Happy Anniversary, Bill!

2009-08-07T19:43:00.001-07:00

Today would have been our fifth anniversary. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Aside from the day Tyler was born, it was the very best day of my life. I would not change one detail about our wedding.

On our third date Bill asked me what I was doing for the next 50 years. His intention (and mine) was that we would spend them together. I am still stunned that I am now on my life's journey without him. In fact, I believe my shock is thinning, and reality is setting in. I still think I am doing well in the whole grieving process... as inconsistent as it is, however. Although I can discuss Bill and cancer and our situation without tears, I find other life happenings send me into a crying spell. The past three days have been hard, and the old saying that time heals all wounds is not proving to be true lately. I know it will get better and the hurt will lessen, but I miss him terribly. At times, I feel selfish in my grief because I want him back for me, to be here with me, to comfort me... I desperately long for things to be the way the were before cancer hit our family. Trust me, I realize that is not possible, and it really doesn't help to expend my energy wishing for the impossible, but on a day like today, it can't be helped.

Tyler's preschool teacher's last day was today. I cried all day yesterday, and just thinking about it makes me well up... granted I would have easily shed tears under "normal" circumstances, but perhaps I was slightly over the top. She has been a godsend to us this year. To have her as his first teacher in a long line of educators is absolutely priceless. He LOVES school because of Mrs. N. More importantly, she loves him. As a parent, that is my number one wish, and it was fulfilled this year more than I could ever imagine. Tyler is one lucky boy!

I know how it feels...

2009-08-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

I follow a good number of blogs. Some are "mom" blogs, melanoma blogs, widow blogs, melanoma widow blogs, cancer patient blogs... I am sure there are a few other types that I am forgetting.

One in particular has taken over my evenings. I have been following it for a little over three months now, and its purpose is to give updates on a 2-year-old who is waiting for a liver transplant due to a very rare form of liver cancer. I do not know the family, but feel oddly connected to them through their words. They also have a 4-year-old and are expecting a third son next month. The stress they are going through is astronomical, yet they always remain strong.

The parents of this toddler update the blog every night! I look forward to it, depend on it, and struggle going to bed without reading the daily post. I also think about this family numerous times per day, hoping it is a good one for them.

I was always aware when I skipped a day or two reporting on Bill, and people would share that they checked our blog each day, some of you numerous times. :) It made me smile knowing that people thought about us regularly. I would chuckle when I'd get friendly e-mails reminding me to post. It's amazing how this little boy has impacted my life. I hope Bill knows that his stint with cancer was a learning experience that branched out far beyond we could ever imagine. I get it now, and I apologize to those who wore out their "refresh" button... ;)

One Year Ago...

2009-07-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

One year ago (August 1st) we were given the shocking news that Bill had cancer. At that point, we were told it was squamous cell carcinoma. It wasn't until 4 days after we found out its true severity. If someone would have told me that one year from this day, I would be trying to heal my heart and living life as a single mom, I never would have believed it.

We are having a great summer and have kept extremely busy with different activities, travels, and play dates. It has been a godsend to have the summer off, which has allowed Tyler and me the chance to get used to our new "normal". We talk about Bill daily, and he is actually starting to understand that daddy didn't choose this. He didn't want to leave us. I make sure that I show Tyler a balance that it's OK to be sad and cry about missing dad, AND we can talk about him without tears, too. We can remember the good times and still draw him pictures, even though he is in heaven. I am so proud of my little man!

One More Thing... Post #2

2009-07-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

Part of my problem is thinking too much. Hence the reason for two posts in one day! I have not been sleeping well and that leads to trouble when I am left alone with my own thoughts. I think about death quite a bit and how insane it is that I am not alone in losing my husband at age 33 (although I turned 34 eleven days after Bill died). I lie awake at night thinking of ways I could possibly help other people if they are just beginning the cancer walk. I know a book is somewhere inside me, but that is really not enough. I want to talk to people... listen to them... support the caregiver. I was fortunate to meet someone who walked the path almost a year before I did. (Actually, I am unclear if "fortunate" is the appropriate word choice... maybe unfortunate would be more fitting in our situation.)

Now as I ramble, I realize I don't remember the main reason of this post. That is the story of my life... I have a severe case of what is known as "widow's brain". The numbness carries over to all aspects of life, not just in grieving.

I keep reminding myself that I cannot start a new beginning, but I can begin to create a new ending.

A New Outlook

2009-07-26T16:01:00.000-07:00

I have a new outlook regarding death and the way in which someone dies. Losing someone suddenly is MUCH harder for the family, but drastically better for the "patient", since they don't experience months and months (in our case) of suffering. Losing someone due to a terminal illness is actually better for the family, since you are given time to say good-bye; yet this route is far more difficult for the patient. I am not saying one is "better" than the other, because both are horrific, I am just noting that there is a difference. Since I thankfully only have experience one way, I fully appreciate and took advantage of the time we had together. I also value the heart-wrenching conversations we had, and I have no doubts about the love we shared. I also was able to let him go at the end knowing I had not one regret... that is a gift in itself. I think these things play a huge role in the grieving process and has lessened my pain.

I don't usually quote fellow bloggers, but I recently read one that struck me as quite true. She is also a fellow widow, although lost her husband suddenly. She quoted Charles Swindoll (a pastor) who said:

I’m convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We have choices within our attitudes.

This is so true, especially as I navigate my way through the various stages of grief. The mind is a powerful thing. It IS up to me to live a happy life, or sit and wallow in pity. I don't pick the latter... Bill wouldn't want that either. He'd tell me to "buck up" and "suck it up", so that is what I am doing. One day at a time...

Technology

2009-07-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

We live in a technological age. I can admit that I would be lost without various forms of technology in my life. Actually, I would guess I have some form of addiction, but since the entire world (practically) has the same problem, it tends to go unnoticed or is ignored. There are even aspects of my job (ahem... smart board) when I whole-heartedly depend on advanced technology.

We live in a fast-paced world... I can't imagine waiting for things that many of us lived without the majority of our lives. I didn't get my first cell phone until college, and now I panic if I leave it at home when I run to the store. I can't fathom looking up movie times in the paper, flipping through the yellow pages, or waiting at home for a phone call... or even writing checks to pay bills. Everything I do is done quickly, and there is a certain gratification to getting things done NOW, and not waiting for the mundane. I, for one, am not a fan of waiting for things that have the capability to be done quickly. It seems that I am always on fast-forward...

One thing has not advanced with time... Human emotions cannot be expedited. Grief cannot be fast-tracked. Feelings cannot be rushed. Life cannot be accelerated...

I am so humbly reminded that I need to slow down and allow myself to feel.

The Wedding

2009-07-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

The year of "firsts" is not easy. We have already encountered a few and this weekend was no exception. I went to my first wedding. I have to be honest and say that I probably wasn't ready for a wedding, but this one was unique. I knew my first one would have to be someone special, because I anticipated an emotional roller coaster. Since it was my cousin and I (obviously) knew her before I ever met Bill; it seemed the event would be an easier adventure... given my circumstance.

Widowed or not, it is not uncommon for me to get teary while a bride walks down the aisle or during the vows, etc. I did really well and didn't cry more than my "normal" amount.

We got to the reception and all was well... THEN, Tyler and I sat down at our table and thankfully, we were the first people to find it. I happened to sit directly in front of the table number and the back of it had writing that caught my eye. This is what I read:

THANK YOU
We have chosen a special way to thank you for celebrating our wedding day with us and also honor those who share this day with us in spirit. In doing so, we have made charitable donations to:

The Melanoma Research Foundation
The National Center for Learning Disabilities
Saint Mary's Catholic Central HS
and the
Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation

Thank you for being a part of our lives.

To say I was touched by this sentiment is an understatement. I sat in my chair and cried silently until I knew I couldn't get away with it any longer. Knowing the background, these all hold special places to our respective families. The kind thought that went into choosing these warms my heart. Just thinking about it makes my eyes well up with tears. I am proud to say that I went to the perfect "first" wedding. Thank you, Hughes family, for making it so special.

(And yes, I stole the table number thing for posterity, and so I could write about it.)

(I would post a picture of the reception, but I am far too embarrassed to show what my child was doing during/after dinner. Rolling on the dance floor is not my idea of appropriate, although I still managed to snap of picture of it.)

Boring!

2009-07-17T22:03:00.000-07:00

I started this blog to keep friends and family updated on the cancer front. I had no idea it would turn into my therapy and get the response it has received. It has been a blessing all around.

I have come to the realization that we (Tyler and I) are boring! I don't have a new post everyday or information I am eagerly waiting to share. We lack excitement to the utmost degree. That being said, I thrive on this part of our lives. It doesn't make for "good blogging", but it does make for a calm, normal existence that I so badly craved the past year. (Whatever "normal" means...)

At Bill's funeral I lost count of how many people asked if I would continue the blog. I am nowhere near ready to give it up, in fact, I would really like to print it, but I have come to realize that I am very wordy... therefore, it is insanely long. Every once and awhile I get an e-mail or a comment from someone saying they sat down and read the entire thing from start to finish. My first thought is... there is NO way that is possible in one sitting!

I found a website that prints blogs (with the comments), but after I signed up and put in the blog address, it told me that my order could not be processed. I took that as, "Are you kidding? This is the longest thing ever and you need to shut your trap once and awhile!" :) I am still working on it. I would love to seek a publisher, but so much needs to be done in-between posts to make it a comprehensive story. Bill has encouraged me to write a book since before we got married. If he only knew that the subject would end up being about his battle against the beast. Who knew??

Vocabulary

2009-07-13T19:25:00.000-07:00

The past year we learned a whole slew of new vocabulary words. Just the medical jargon alone was enough to make your head spin. Not to mention the medication names... Bill used to say he earned a medical degree learning it all. (He also said he earned a law degree watching reruns of Law & Order.) We also developed different terminology between the two of us.

The main words were - before, during, and after. Translation:

Before diagnosis...

During treatment...

After was a little complicated...

At the beginning it was "After treatment..." but the last few months, we both knew what after really meant. "Well, you know... after (insert head nod and eyebrow raise here)..." He died with a laundry list of things for me to do and take care of... after.

My "after" starts tomorrow. I know that seems a little late, a month to be exact, but I have been procrastinating making phone calls, changing insurance, and getting things squared away. I don't feel I am behind in the grieving process, so I suppose that is a little progress. We got home from our trip this afternoon and as I opened the mail, I started my list of To Do's (no shock there) and realized that it is officially after. I knew we were taking this trip and promised myself that upon our return I would take care of the logistics. We are back, and I kept my promise and started the train of phone calls this afternoon. Maybe I needed a month to be comfortable making the calls and saying the words, "My husband passed away..." because those words DO get easier to say. I can't believe it has been a month already. In some ways it seems like he has been gone A LOT longer, and in other ways it seems like just yesterday.

Lake Tahoe

2009-07-09T21:45:00.001-07:00

Lake Tahoe is beautiful and the weather is perfect! In fact, I would even admit that today was a little too cool for beach play. That didn't stop Tyler, though. It has been a fun trip and tomorrow we leave to go to Bill's aunt's house in French Gulch. It is a different "small town" way of life, and I am excited to go back. I know Tyler will love it too.

We opened the ashes today and left a little bit of Bill in the lake. It was harder than I expected... just sad. I suppose I never assumed it would be easy. I keep telling myself that it is not really him, it's simply remnants of a shell that held his heart, and a piece of mine.

I am currently reading an amazing book that I highly recommend for anyone (especially if you have encountered death anytime in the past.) It is called, Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life. The title sounds a little harsh, but ignore it, the book is a genius account of how to move on with your life while still keeping the memory of the deceased present. It is the ideal balance of both... so helpful to know that I can continue my life while living in the bliss of Bill's memory.

Ring Around the Rosy

2009-07-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

I have always thought it was odd that preschools alter the words to the song Ring Around the Rosy. It is a timeless classic that is sang (usually) without analyzing the words. The end part - ...ashes, ashes, we all fall down - is the part that has changed. Stay with me... I DO have a point. The song is about the Black Plague in Europe that dates back to the thirteen hundreds. (I could be a little off here, but that is the gist of it. Feel free to correct me!) There are two theories of what the ashes signify. One being the idea of death (Europe lost one-third of their population during this time) and burning the bodies... the other is about sneezing their "lungs out"... I think. My history is fuzzy, so please excuse my butchering.

I never deemed it necessary to change the lyrics to the song, and I also never thought it pertinent to explain the intended meaning to children. It seemed like a harmless nursery rhyme. This song now has new meaning for me.

I picked up the ashes today. I hesitate to say "Bill's ashes", because I just can't comprehend that he is actually in that small box. We leave for Lake Tahoe tomorrow for a little vacation and while it is well-warranted, it is bittersweet. We are going to take some of the ashes and put them on the lake. (I know it's illegal, so if you are a part of law enforcement we aren't really doing that.) Bill's first wish was to be spread in Tahoe... then the ocean... then Hawaii... then a golf course. Needless to say, I will honor those requests and spread him out. Things still seem surreal and I definitely have my moments, but we are hanging in there. Tyler is doing really well, and I, honestly, am too. Thank you all for still checking on us!!

Pronouns

2009-07-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

I miss plural pronouns.

I miss "WE"...

I miss "OURS"...

I miss "US"...

It takes a conscious thought for me to alter my pronouns. I am not accustomed to using "I", "me", "my"... and I'm not sure I want to make a permanent change to my habitual vocabulary... but life is full of hurdles that are not always welcomed.

The Beast

2009-07-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

Cancer SUCKS! It is everywhere and difficult to escape. Although I am currently in the first stage of living without cancer, the thought of it never truly goes away. Cancer is based on stages (I-IV) and I feel like I am currently Stage V. I am living a complicated stage of the "aftermath". No longer with cancer... but will never be without it. I will be forever touched by the valiant fight Bill (and so many others) endured. At the ripe age of 34 I feel I know FAR too many people whose lives have been affected by this disease.

Recently, a dear friend was told she will be yet another person added to the list of "cancer fighters". She is just beginning her battle and needs some extra prayers. I can't stop thinking about her and her young family. She is supported, loved, and strong... and will be cancer-free after this little bump in the road.

I refuse to live my life with anger for cancer.

I refuse to let it take over my thoughts.

I refuse to let it have POWER over me.

I refuse to hate it... hate is a strong emotion and cancer doesn't deserve any emotion.

Cancer, I refuse to let you control anything in my life.

Cancer SUCKS!

*Cancer SUCKS! is an actual organization that raises money for cancer research.*

A Little Clarification...

2009-06-30T21:24:00.001-07:00

"Don't" is a strong word. I feel the need to clarify that, although the post from last night was very real (and for that, I cannot apologize) but maybe I could have used a better choice of words. For instance "Try not to..."

I have to inform all of you that I am not offended if you say any of those things. It takes quite a bit to offend me. ;) I may not even notice if you say, or have said, some of those lines. Like I stated, you may very well hear those words come out of my mouth. I don't expect anyone to know the "perfect" the words to say; I am living this situation and I haven't a clue as to what I would like to hear. I would be worried if someone was so accustomed to this type of event that he/she knew the exact phrase to provide comfort. Who in the world would want to be so familiar with this type of traumatic experience that the condolence simply rolled off the tongue? I, for one, hope to never encounter another human being who must deal with this hideous beast.

Some Advice

2009-06-29T23:59:00.001-07:00

Please don't take any of this personally... it is really just a way of formulating my thoughts and putting them in a cohesive manner that I can understand. I am still doing well, but have certain moments of deep, sad feelings of grief.

What Not To Say To Someone Grieving:
Please...

Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through, unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't understand, and I am going through it, trust me, you can't – your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine pain in this aptitude.

Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a grandparent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or pet, it's not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not remotely close.

Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. Just because I look good, doesn't mean I feel that way. I am assuming that since you have asked, you truly want to know.

Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not.

Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but that is just not always the reality.

Don't tell me everything will be okay.

Don't tell me "he's always with you".

Don't tell me "he's no longer in pain".

Don't tell me "he's looking down on you from heaven".

Don't tell me "you're lucky that you had such love, some people don't".

Don't tell me "he's in a better place".

Don't be surprised however, if I say these things…

Don't ever tell me "you need to be strong"... I am trying.

If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak, this is it.

Whatever you do, don't tell me "If I were you I'd…." Until you are in the same situation, you have absolutely no idea what you would do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control.

Never try telling me "life goes on", or "he wouldn't want you to cry", or "God will never give you more than you can handle" or any other platitudes.

Again, don't be surprised if I say some of these things. It's a coping mechanism.

Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him back, it can't be "solved".

Don't tell me I when I should or should not start dating. Only I will know when that time comes, and it probably will not look the way you (or I) think it should.

Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard, but if you can accept them, you are helping me immensely.

Don't tell me that my life needs to go on. I am fully living my life, however, I am grieving not only my spouse, but the person I was when I was with him.

MOST OF ALL...
Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.

Good Friends

2009-06-28T00:03:00.000-07:00

You don't get to choose your family. Luckily, I drew the long straw in that contest. You DO get to choose your friends. I am so very thankful that I chose wisely. I am humbled by their constant love and support.

What would I do without good friends, good food, and good wine? Tonight was no exception. It is so rewarding to get out tonight and thoroughly enjoy the company of great friends.

The Post You May Want to Skip

2009-06-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

Everything I had researched and read about death mentioned the feelings of peace and calm that a terminal patient finally achieves. The last two weeks of Bill's life were anything but peaceful. I repeatedly stated that what Bill (and our family) endured was not even close to the realm of one dying in peace. I honestly felt that everything comforting I had heard about death was a lie... I was bitter that after such a difficult fight, even his death would be painful and stressful.

On Monday, June 15th, around 4:30 in the afternoon I finally allowed myself to leave Bill's side and head downstairs for a break. I had been next to him the better part of the day. It had been all of about 15 minutes, and I had just finished making Tyler a sandwich. Adam heard his mom's warning from upstairs and looked at me and said, "He's going." We both ran at full speed up the stairs. My heart sank... I knew the moment for which we had all reluctantly prayed was actually happening. One can NEVER prepare.

I sat next his shell and put his hand in mine and watched his chest attempt to keep taking breaths. (They were very few and far between.) After having his eyes closed and his mouth open for a solid three days, he opened his eyes and closed his mouth. He also took both of his hands out of ours and slowly set them on top of each other on his stomach in preparation for his final slumber... and then he took his last breath at exactly 5:00.

We sat around him praying and crying for about 15 minutes. After he passed, his eyes closed again and his mouth reopened when his jaw muscles loosened. I actually tried to close it and the nurse warned me that his jaw wouldn't stay shut, but I had to try it for myself. We took our attention off of Bill and recapped what had happened and talked about logistics with the nurse. I looked back to Bill's thin face and couldn't believe what I saw... he had closed his mouth almost completely and was wearing a grin that only Bill could give. HE WAS SMILING! I never would have believed it if I didn't see it for myself. An actual SMILE. Finally, he was at peace... we were at peace... The fight was over and it WAS peaceful.

Before Bill passed, I told him I wanted some sort of sign afterward that he was all right and made his journey safely. I also clarified that "a sign" was not the same as "haunting". I clearly told him that I did not wish to be haunted or scared in any way. No peaking in windows or showing up in pictures as a ghost, etc. He said he understood and would do his best to honor my wishes. I got my sign... he smiled to let me know all was well, and he made it safely. Hence the reason I took pictures. As odd as it sounds, Bill's death was a beautiful life experience. I get it now... the peacefulness, the calmness, the serenity... I get it.

An Icon Lost the Battle

2009-06-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

No, not Michael Jackson, although I was surprised by his death, I am referring to Farrah Fawcett. She lost her battle with cancer this morning. I don't think her death was unexpected, but it still made me sad. After watching her cancer special about the trials of her treatment from Bill's hospital room, I gained a new level of respect for her. Not many beautiful celebrities would allow themselves to be so vulnerable and raw on national TV. I am disappointed that the news coverage is only really focusing on Michael. She would have been able to further spread cancer awareness, even after her death, if Michael would have held on a little longer. I feel like she was robbed of the spotlight she deserved. It just hit a little too close to home today.

The Question of the Day

2009-06-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

How are YOU doing?

Honestly? Remarkably well. I am a little surprised at the amount of relief I feel. I am relieved that Bill is no longer suffering... relieved to live each day that is not surrounded by cancer... relieved to give Tyler some normalcy back into his little life (mine too). I know I did everything in my power as Bill's caregiver. I loved him, cared for him, cried with him, and held him through the entire battle. I have no regrets. I would not change anything if I had to do it all over again.

Mourning is an interesting thing. It sneaks up on you, and then disappears when you think it should be present in full force. There is no rhyme or reason regarding grief. Bill and I spent the last 10 months grieving. We grieved together every step of the way. He would tell me when he could feel changes and would let me know that he thought his time was limited. Although it was excruciatingly painful, I am so thankful that we could talk openly and honestly about our thoughts and wishes. I truly think those heartfelt conversations have created an inner peace inside me that words just can't describe.
**Disclaimer: I may feel differently tomorrow, and I am reserving the right to change my mind.**

I got to work for 4 hours today... I use the word "got" (not had) because that is how I feel. I am part of an amazing district committee that teaches teachers "life-changing" technology. (OK, a little dramatic, but it's true. There is SO much more to it, but that is the idea in a nutshell.) I am privileged to be a member of this elite team. It was really nice to spend 4 hours thinking about something else, and I realized that my brain did not actually turn to mush during this ordeal. The past 10 months, going to work has been my saving grace. The past few weeks were so intense that I longed for some time in my element. Getting back on the proverbial horse was exactly what I needed.

I want to write about Bill's last moments on this Earth, so I feel like I should give some sort of warning before I jump into recounting his last breaths. It will be in the next day or two, so you may want to skip that post if you are bothered by the topic. I actually want to write about it while it is still fresh (raw) in my mind, so Tyler can someday have a detailed explanation of his Dad's passing. Rest assured, I will not post the pictures. (Yes, there are pictures.)

Donations

2009-06-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

So many generous people have inquired about a memorial fund or donation they can make in Bill's honor. While I have not set up a memorial fund, I do have a recommendation if you are so inclined. In fact, Bill and I talked frequently about what charity to which I would donate after his death. (He wanted to have a say in all of the "afters"... but that is an entirely different post.)

A little background...
We originally were ecstatic to donate to the City of Hope, but after our lackluster experience, our enthusiasm dwindled. I found the Melanoma Research Foundation (MRF) and their website answered millions of my questions. They also have a bulletin board/chat area for patients and caregivers that has literally saved my sanity (the little I have left). I would check the board nightly and have made friends with others fighting this beast both directly and indirectly. This is why I will choose MRF as my donation recipient. I truly feel that I can put a "face to a name" with this amazing organization.

You can make a donation by mail to:

The Melanoma Research Foundation
170 Township Line Road, Building B
Hillsborough, NJ 08844
Phone: 1-800-MRF-1290 Fax: 908-281-0937

Please make check payable to the Melanoma Research Foundation (MRF).
Your donation is tax-deductible.
EIN# 76-0514428

If you prefer, you can make a donation through their secure online site.
http://www.melanoma.org/memorialdonation.aspx

Another option that we talked about as a family is the support of Hospice... particularly Vitas Hospice. They were incredible and supported ALL of us through such a difficult time.

Even though it has only been week (I can't believe it has been a whole week), I am already planning ways that I can "pay it forward" and give something back to those in need. We are so greatly supported that I am excited and motivated to be able to do something for others in desperate need, like we were.

Father's Day

2009-06-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

I will admit that I was dreading today. It just made me sad that Bill had so few Father's Days and then passed away right before one to which he was entitled.

Fatherhood is a rite of passage for most Dads. The title is earned and goes to those who lovingly bring children into this world. Bill was one of those. He fought long and hard for Tyler, not me. I am not trying to be the martyr, I know he loved me more than anything and did not want to leave me, but he died knowing that I would be OK, and I would always cherish our memories. He also knew he took a piece of my heart with him.

I can't say the same for his thoughts about Tyler. He was uneasy with the unknown of his little son's life. He was uncertain his three-year-old would actually remember him. He wanted to be there as his Dad on this Earth, not watching from above. He hung on for Tyler... It was the one thing I could not "guarantee", to a certain degree, the way things would happen. He wanted me to promise these three things regarding our son:
1. I will always love him and take care of him (duh, that's easy)
2. I won't change his last name (also a no-brainer)
3. I won't buy him a Porsche when he turns 16 (I agreed, but that doesn't mean I can't buy myself one! He actually gave me carte blanche on my future vehicles.)

Happy Father's Day to all the dads (and single moms) out there!

Beautiful!

2009-06-20T13:17:00.001-07:00

Bill's service was yesterday, and I am proud to say that I made it through. (I seriously had my doubts.) For those who weren't there, it can only be summed up in one word... beautiful. The service, the church, the hall... all simply beautiful! We guesstimated approximately 300 people were there, which is indicative of not only our support system, but the type of person Bill was. I was so, SO nervous before it started, and now I wish I could live in that moment forever. I truly felt his presence, and I know he was impressed with the turnout! ;)

After the reception, the Bartak/Nicassio/Britton clan went back to Joe and Ann's and relaxed. The kids played together and the three boys now have a family bond that I will always cherish for Tyler. We reminisced, drank a few adult beverages, and enjoyed the day. It was truly a happy ending; just like Bill would have wanted. A few of us went to sushi later in the evening, without children, and toasted Bill numerous times throughout dinner.

Tyler and I left late last night, and I actually drove home with a smile in my heart. I really didn't think that would be possible yesterday or anytime soon, for that matter. I am truly convinced that you feel how you act... you shouldn't act how you feel. If I act happy, then I will feel happy (and it won't have to be "an act".) I really do feel extremely lucky and so very blessed to have incredible family and friends. Bill is up there smiling!!

Hazy Days

2009-06-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

Joe and I went to the mortuary today and finalized the details for the cremation. It was surprisingly easy, although I am pretty numb and in a daze, so open heart surgery would also be easy at this point.

I am seriously spacey since Bill passed away. I can't focus... that is, I can't focus on what I am trying to do. I can focus perfectly on staring into space or watching a fly zoom around. I have never been one to just sit and watch TV. I always multi-task, even if it's watching TV and reading or being on the computer, I never just sit and stare at it. Our recent events have turned me into someone with severe attention issues. I am hoping this too, gets better with time.

Things are falling into place nicely for the service on Friday, and I can only hope that my numbness lasts for its entirety. I am having it videotaped... that might seem weird to some, but when the memory of a three year old is concerned, I feel it is necessary. (Yes, Tyler will be there.) With my mind in a constant haze, the video will be nice for me too.

God's House

2009-06-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

As the disease progressed, I knew we were in for difficult times. I knew it would be the hardest time of our life, and I knew I would answer questions from a three-year-old that I would never be able to predict. I knew a lot... and even though I knew one cannot prepare for this type of tragedy; I need to admit that I didn't know it would be devastating to the nth degree. Granted it has barely been 24 hours, but the thought that he is gone never, ever leaves my mind.

Tyler asked me today, "Does Daddy live in a different house now?"
I said, "Yes, he lives a huge beautiful house with Jesus up above the clouds in the sky."
He said, "But his car is still here, how did he get there?"
I replied, "You don't need a car in heaven. It's a magical place."
He quietly took in the answer and is contemplating the next question, I'm sure. He's just like his dad...

We love (and need) the prayers. Thank you to our amazing support system who has continued to pray for us and love us. Tyler and I need it more now, than ever. We will be OK, and we will get through this together. He is one special little boy, and I don't think it's a coincidence that he looks exactly like Bill.

Bill's Memorial Service and Reception
Friday, June 19th at 11:00am
Saint John Vianney Church
1345 Turnbull Canyon Rd.
Hacienda Heights, CA 91745

All are welcome!

5 Hours Later

2009-06-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

So many different emotions and feelings, I don't really know where to start.

My main concern right now is Tyler, and no one else, really. I told him that Daddy had to go walk with Jesus in heaven and we wouldn't see him anymore. I also told him that I would always take care of him, and that it's OK to be sad sometimes, but we can still talk to him while he's in heaven. He jumped off the swing we were sitting on and asked me to play jump rope. Then later...

I took Tyler up to bed, and he walked into my room and saw that the bed with Daddy in it was gone. He cried... not an obnoxious "I want attention" cry, but a slow, sad cry that showed me he understood. He tried to crawl under my bed to hide, so I sat next to him on the floor and we cried together. My poor baby... it was heart wrenching.

I know he desperately needs a mommy who is able to give him all her attention (since the last few weeks have been so crazy), and he needs me to guide us to a new normal. That is my new quest... finding Tyler some stability in his life so that we can try to rebuild our household with just the two of us... I learned tonight, that the sooner the better.

I thought this blog served as my therapy through this ordeal, but now it will be more so than ever.

** Services will be held on Friday, more details will follow. **

Our Angel

2009-06-15T17:38:00.000-07:00

Another Melanoma WARRIOR got his wings this evening at 5:00.

WILLIAM JOSEPH BARTAK
December 27, 1966 - June 15, 2009

May you rest quietly and peacefully in your new home.
You will always be our hero.
I will always love you, my dear husband.

Bittersweet

2009-06-15T15:45:00.000-07:00

Bill has always been a person with an extremely strong work ethic. In twelve years at Claim Jumper he never took an impromptu sick day. Even after being diagnosed, he never once called in sick. He is a true work horse!

That would explain the reason he is still not giving up on this never-ending fight. We have told him over and over that his battle must end, and he is ready to walk with Jesus... We are ready for his departure from this world. He is heading to a better place (and we are insisting he saves us seats). He is still in a coma and non-responsive. His eyes are fully dilated which means he has turned off his brain to this world. His breathing is very shallow and he has what is referred to the "death rattle". It is still a waiting game...

I will keep updating if and when things change.

Thank you for all your prayers and well-wishes. We read and love every single one! We have faith that Bill will complete this journey knowing how much he is loved and cherished.

I pray...

2009-06-14T15:33:00.000-07:00

"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

I pray that this statement is true...
I pray for strength...
I pray for peace...
I pray for comfort...
I pray for solace...
I pray for us...

We are still by Bill's side, waiting for him to be lifted up to heaven.

E Ticket

2009-06-13T18:05:00.001-07:00

We had a rough night with Bill still trying to bolt out of bed. He is hallucinating constantly so there is not any solid communication with him at this point. My favorite was when he jumped up and said he spilled his glass of wine (no, he's not really drinking wine, or anything for that matter) and then when I ran to him he told me he wanted to dance. He was his ornery self mixed with some crazy drugs.

We had another four hour period today that we thought was the end, so we sat around him and poured our hearts out. At one point he had 18 seconds between breaths. Then he *somewhat* opened his eyes and went back into the hallucinating. He is mumbling and grunting, but not at all coherent. I have heard of peaks and valleys, but this is really a crazy ride! Definitely an E ticket roller coaster! (OK, I don't remember E tickets, but know what they are.)

I am tired... bone tired. We have a nurse here by his bed until midnight tonight. They are working on getting one from midnight until 8:00. Then we should have another one starting at 8:00 tomorrow morning. I am counting some solid sleep helping me to get through tomorrow!!

Pizza Coupon

2009-06-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

We had a quiet day today without any mishaps, falls, or vomit! We did have quite a few hallucinations, though. It also seems as though the medication is making him a little paranoid. We started writing things down so we could possibly see clues into what he's thinking. He is talking a lot about weapons and protection... which is odd from someone who isn't into that kind of thing. I actually think he might be preparing me to somehow be protected after he is gone. He also reminded me that we have a coupon for a free pizza, and wanted to make sure it was eventually used. Sometimes you have to laugh...

He says the voices talk to him and he talks back and reaches out for them. Today, I heard him say things to the ceiling like, "...but I really shouldn't be driving." "They are here already? I thought I had more time." "I need to leave soon, and I can't stay in the house." We pretty much respond with the answer we think he wants to hear. Sometimes it works... other times, it doesn't.

Medication every hour is brutal. I don't understand how "they" can expect a caregiver to give a dose each hour - nighttime is really hard. Granted, I have loads and loads of help all day and all night, so we set a schedule and all is well. I can't imagine being alone at night and administering meds around the clock without sleeping. Sleep is so hard to come by as it is.

Adam (Bill's cousin) flew in from Holland today, after being in Europe a month. He had a hard time getting a flight and being so far away just made matters worse. I wish I could have prepared him for what he was walking into, but we all have gone through our different "realization" phases, and unfortunately tonight was Adam's turn. Let's be realistic, there really is no preparation...

Terminal Agitation

2009-06-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

The days are definitely not getting easier. Bill fell this morning trying to get out of bed, which he obviously should not be doing. He has something called "terminal agitation" that gives him outbursts, twitches, and the desire to run. It was an emotional day after the fall, and I am so thankful he was not hurt. He is never left alone, and hasn't been for some time, but if you turn your back for a second he is unconsciously headed for the door.

We had a few visitors from hospice today, one being the nurse aide who graciously comes and cleans the patient and makes sure all supplies are stocked. Right at the end of his cleaning, Bill vomited... a lot. He hasn't eaten anything since Monday, and he had a lot of (TMI warning) dark green/black junk that came up. We got the nausea under control and he seems to be settled for now.

Even with the drama, we had a very nice, quiet day. I spent some necessary one-on-one time with him and truly feel at peace. I have told him everything I need and have reassured him that Tyler and I will be OK (someday). That is not to say that I am not devastated and heart-broken, but I need him to be peaceful, and he is far from it at this point. He so greatly deserves to be relieved from this horrible pain. Having cancer is bad enough... I will NEVER understand the suffering he has endured. It just seems so inhumane for one person to absorb all of this agony - mentally and physically.

I still can't believe this is actually happening...

A Few Questions...

2009-06-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

We have actually had a very quiet day. Bill drifted in and out of consciousness and we were able to (again) tell him how much he is loved. I might venture to say it was a slightly better day than yesterday, but I don't want to give false hope to anyone, especially myself.

I have been really good today (emotionally), but now I sit here on our bed knowing that I will never share it with Bill again. With him lying in front of me in his hospital bed, I feel as though my whole world is flashing in front of my eyes, only there is no flashing, things are in slow motion.

Is it possible to run out of tears? I am not to that point, but I would think that the time is coming when I won't physically be able to produce anymore tears. Will that be a welcome day or a dreaded one? Will it be a reprieve or yet another stress? I know the pain will not go away, but will it ever lessen? I can actually feel my heavy heart breaking.

Please, God, help diminish ALL of our pain.

WOW!

2009-06-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

Roller Coaster are two words that come to mind this morning. We had a very rough day yesterday and spent it surrounding Bill telling him it was OK to go to heaven. He was unconscious and his breathing was not only labored, but he would stop breathing for 10-12 seconds in between. We also had the priest come in to give him the sacrament of the sick. After about an hour and a half of staring at his chest, he opened his eyes and said, "I have to pee really bad." With some major help from Joe (against my will) he went to the bathroom and had a few minutes of clear thoughts and speech. If I didn't see it for myself, I never would have believed it. As we all sat next to him and prayed for the Lord to take him, he decided he had to pee. Typical of Bill and his sense of humor...

Unfortunately the clarity didn't last long, and he slipped back into unconsciousness (with the labored sporadic breathing), and we set a schedule to give him medication during the night, since he needs it every hour. All night he gasped for air and struggled to take breaths. This morning we awoke to a lucid Bill again. It lasted about 20 minutes or so, then he slipped back into a slumber.

He is not eating and only takes a sip or two a couple times a day. We know the end (or beginning, depending on how you look at it) is imminent. It is now only a matter of time. We learned yesterday that this is all God's plan and Bill will go when he is ready and on his own terms. Sometimes people wait for family members to arrive before passing, and other times they wait for privacy to protect loved ones of seeing the last breath. Whatever his plan is, we know he will be at peace flying with the angels.

Status Quo

2009-06-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

Another day... I am a little overtired, which generally is not good for anyone involved. Although I have been able to go bed relatively early, keeping watch of Bill during the night is similar to having a newborn baby, minus the elation and joy. He grunts, talks, and twitches in his sleep which tends to wake me, and I struggle to get back to sleep.

The challenging part is that he tries to get up and walk around (or maybe he's trying to leave - we aren't really sure). Catching him sounds like an easy enough task... how fast can he be?? Honestly, he's amazingly quick. He sets his mind to it, and next thing I know, he's racing down the hall. We are focusing on the safety issue right now and making sure that we stay one step ahead of him... literally.

Hospice continues to be supportive. They came out again today after I called to inquire about getting his prescription changed that will help him to rest more comfortably and take away some of the twitching that constantly wakes him. Another nurse is scheduled to come out tomorrow to make sure we have everything we need. I can't say it enough, hospice is our savior!

The H Word

2009-06-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

Many people automatically have a negative connotation with regard to hospice. In my experience so far, it is the reprieve we so desperately need. The nurse came today (stayed for almost 4 hours) and arranged everything we might need for Bill's care. Medications are being delivered tonight and a nurse will come tomorrow to rearrange some of them. Since he is on oral medications, we will switch some over to liquid drops. He had some major bouts of nauseousness today and vomited twice... once having just taken his pain meds.

Our goal now is to keep him comfortable and out of pain. Although he's pretty loopy, I know his pain level is not an issue. Hospice will provide so many amazing services that I feel like a weight has been lifted and he is getting the treatment he needs. I must be honest to say that things are progressing quickly and my goal is to follow all of Bill's wishes and plans written in his directive. As hard as it is to actually make decisions on his behalf, I know what he wants (and doesn't want) and am trying to separate my wants from his.

We are doing well, with intermittent tears mixed with some funny moments. (You have to laugh sometimes...) Fortunately, we have an immense amount of help, support, and prayers. One day at a time...

Our Craziness

2009-06-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a day... very circus-like! The hospital bed has arrived and it seems like it will be a huge help. We have it in our master bedroom since Bill told me awhile ago that downstairs would be too noisy and not private enough for him to rest comfortably.

He is still very out of it, and stayed that way the majority of the day. There is a lot of mumbling and many statements are said that don't make sense. He really isn't up much anymore, except to go to the bathroom. His pain has been kept under control, though, and he has been eating more than once a day. In complete honesty, things have changed pretty drastically this week. His "off" moments are more prevalent than not. Although I am unsure of a definite plan, we are meeting with a hospice nurse tomorrow for an evaluation to see our options. I am unsure if we will venture to the City of Hope on Monday, since it is for results that can be told in a phone conversation. Since he isn't thinking clearly, I don't know if he will still qualify to stay on the trial... tumor size isn't the only reason to halt treatment. We are taking things one day at a time.

To add to our insane drama... Bill's parents and my aunt were here, and I went upstairs to check on the patient. I was lying awkwardly on the bed and decided to turn back and kiss Bill on the forehead. I evidently turned wrong and dislocated my shoulder. It was intense pain and I yelled out (and made Bill jump). Joe came in and in the midst of me sweating bullets and starting to black out, he got me to the bed to lie back down. I kept trying to move my arm to pop it back in... NO LUCK. The irony is that my aunt was on the phone with Bill's doctor (although we were going to call 911) and he was able to direct Joe to move my arm a certain way. We BOTH finally heard it pop back into the joint. I will probably go get it checked out since this is the second time it has popped out. In fact, the last time was a year ago, almost to the day. I have never experienced this kind of pain, except of course, the last time it happened.

I am emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I hope to get some much needed rest tonight. Ann is staying here tonight, in case I need an extra set of hands. It has been a rough one!

Scans and Drains

2009-06-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

Only 4 more days of school and it totals about 22 hours. Although that sounds rather appealing, it is also a reality check of the millions of tasks that need to be completed during that time. It always gets done on time, so I have faith this year will not be any different.

Bill has had a few rough days. Yesterday he went for his scans, and then headed straight to have his lung drained. They drained the same side since it had more fluid when they did the ultrasound. They drained 2 liters a week ago, and 2 more liters yesterday. Next Tuesday he is scheduled to have the left one drained. We go back to the City of Hope Monday for the scan results... another nail biting weekend.

I can tell a difference (for the better) in his breathing, and the squeaky toy sound is gone. He has also been eating more since my aunt has been helping us. (We have all been eating better.) Taking his medication on time each day has curbed his pain and he seems to be comfortable. The only downfall is that he has been a little out of it at times during the day. He gets confused easily and says some really random statements. Then at other times, he is right on and totally coherent. The events yesterday really wore him out, so he will need to spend a few days recovering from the excitement of scans and drains. We were scheduled to get the hospital bed today, but there was a slight mix up and it should be here soon. That should also help his comfort level.

The Twitch

2009-06-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

I have a twitch... an annoying teeny, tiny muscle spasm in my lower eyelid that is (fortunately) not noticed by the naked eye. I know most people are now picturing an awesome, severe tick, and I hate to disappoint you, but it's minuscule. It's so small that I have to really stare at my eye up close in the mirror to see it happen. I can feel it though, and it is driving me crazy. I can remember the three weeks before our wedding I had the same thing. Sometimes I get it a day or two before school starts, but this one has been around over a month. Obviously it is stress induced, so I suppose I can plan on it staying for awhile longer. At least it is the end of the school year (6 more days!) so maybe I have a slight chance of relief in a week or two.

Things are running smoothly around here amidst our normal chaos. Bill goes for his scans tomorrow morning and then he heads to have his other lung drained. They anticipate getting the same amount (2 liters) from the left side as well. We will head to the City of Hope some time next week, probably either Monday or Thursday since those are the only days his doctor does clinic visits.

...To Remain Nameless

2009-06-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

I have postponed this entry because I know she will be mortified to read this about herself. I just can't leave it unsaid for another day. I promise not mention Aunt Sue's name in full. ;)

My aunt came to the hospital on Friday to visit Bill, and told us that she took a leave of absence from her full-time job to give us a much needed hand. She is going to handle the care giving during the week and is taking control of Bill's medications, ensuring he takes them on time and in the correct dosages. She also is tackling his eating issue... or lack of eating issue. Today she organized his medications, called for refills, made his scan appointment, called his doctor, and got the ball rolling on getting a hospital bed. Things I honestly couldn't have done in a week's time, let alone an hour. She is allowing me to be just the wife and mother, and not nurse, which is one hat I gladly relinquish.

I even got to go to Target BY MYSELF to pick up Bill's prescriptions while she stayed home with Tyler. To say it was a nice treat is an understatement.

Please note: My uncle is also under the weather recovering from surgery, so she is doing double duty as lead care taker for both of them. Mix into that the fact that both are men, and you can clearly see the unselfishness in her offer.

We are so very grateful for this generous offer! I cannot express our sincere appreciation for the additional help... especially since the last two weeks of school are so crazy. I feel as though a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Her love and warmth are just what the doctor ordered. Cancer continues to show us our many blessings... I can't say that I am totally thankful for it, but we must look on the bright side once and awhile.

Lemonade

2009-05-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

We had a very lazy day and pretty much just hung out around the house. Bill slept until about 3:30 this afternoon, but got up just in time to eat. Tyler didn't nap (and needed it) so they were both in bed by 7:00 tonight. Luckily, he fell asleep right before I was going to put him up for sale on e-bay (with free shipping, of course). An over-tired child does not make a relaxing evening.

Tomorrow doesn't prove itself to be very exciting, at least not at the moment, and I have probably jinxed myself since moments change rapidly around here. One thing I MUST do is go grocery shopping. With our run of recent events, I haven't done "big shopping" in a few weeks. Literally, we have one piece of fruit in our house... and it is a lemon. When life gives you lemons...

We're Home... Again!

2009-05-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

Bill is home! Tyler and I were on our way to visit him this evening and he called to tell me that he would be able to go home with us. I went to the hospital this morning, sat with him the majority of the day, came back home to pick up Tyler (stopped at my work end-of-the-year party), and then headed back to the hospital so Tyler could see him.

Just to recap...
He had his right lung drained yesterday and they were able to get 2 liters out! That is quite a bit for only one side. He doesn't have anything scheduled for the other side, although he is going to need it pretty soon. I can still hear wheezing as he breathes.

They took him in today to fix his catheter. It ended up being the tip and they easily replaced it. He also was able to drain which instantly makes him feel better.

They removed his PICC line before we left, and he was given oral antibiotics for seven days to help combat the infection. I hope this one works!

He will go back to his regular doctor in a week for a check-up and will probably get another referral to have the other lung drained. Before leaving the hospital, Bill was given a prescription for a "rapid release" pain medication for emergencies, such as the one we had the other night. He also got an under the tongue anti-nausea drug that works wonders in a pinch. It's incredible to see the difference in his appearance from yesterday to today. He looks so much better and actually has a little color on his face. He even commented that he felt badly for taking up a bed in the hospital because he thought he was well enough to go home. Hopefully this feeling stays with us a little longer this time!

Hospital Trip #2

2009-05-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

Bill is back in the hospital and he is resting comfortably. Thank goodness they ended up admitting him. He had blood work done yesterday and his regular doctor called last night (on his cell phone and we missed the call) to tell him to go to the ER because his white blood cell count was again too high. Not a huge surprise since he was in so much pain last night. They are flushing him with a different antibiotic to hopefully wipe out the infection. He'll miss the scans tomorrow and I'll need to reschedule his appointment at the City of Hope. Hopefully things won't be too delayed. I am headed to the hospital tomorrow morning to wrap my head around all of this. I promise to keep posting!!

Fast and Furious

2009-05-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

We have had (are having) a rough night so far. I got Bill his trusty Chinese chicken salad, and it came back up almost immediately, which is also when the pain started. Although he was able to drain when Christina came over, he hasn't been able to drain since, which is probably the cause of the extreme agony he's in tonight. We tried everything to get the catheter top apart, and the dents in my fingers prove we were unsuccessful. We had the heating pad, ice, and three different pain medications in our attempt to ease the pain. He was groaning, rocking, and literally could not stay in one spot. It has been two hours of intense stomach pain for him. Thankfully, the last set of medications have done the trick and he's lying down (somewhat) comfortably, and I would anticipate he'll doze off rather shortly.

These bouts of hardcore pain are not good for his strength, will, or motivation. Tomorrow he goes in for his lung draining, and hopefully they can fix his catheter. He also mentioned that he would gladly welcome a few days back in the hospital. His scans are scheduled for Friday, and we are supposed to go back to the City of Hope for results on Monday. A hospital stay may change the plans, but that is really the least of my worries at this point. I just want him to be out of pain. Cancer is bad enough, why must it be so painful?